King Clowns, Dimensional Pumpkins, Death-Dealing Descendants

The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror Halloween specials have aired annually for the last 35 years. (You may have heard of The Simpsons.) But this year, Treehouse of Horror will be the first time airing of two different brand new episodes. Before you totally goon out, here are the specs: “One of the two Treehouse of Horror 2022 episodes will take the familiar anthology approach, while the other will be a full length, 20-minute parody of Stephen King’s It.”

In advance of Treehouse of Horror Presents: Not It, a Pennywise-themed fan art contest has launched and winners will have their art featured in the episode! Send in your creepiest, scariest, most creative fan art of Krusty the Clown for a chance to have your artwork displayed in the end credits of the terrifying Simpsons Halloween episode airing October 23, 2022.” (Artfully Enter HERE)

The drool-worthy plot: “In Treehouse of Horror Presents: Not It, when a supernatural clown starts slaying the children of Kingfield, young Homer Simpson teams up with other middle school misfits to face their fears and defeat the mysterious monster. But years later, the evil clown returns, and Homer’s friends must confront the tragedy of their adult lives to destroy Krusto once and for all.”

I’d enter the contest, but I can only draw flies, curtains and bathwater. Heh.

While you’re sharpening your contest crayons, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem cartoonish to you…

PUMPKINHOLE / Out now (VOD)

“A washed up baseball star is haunted by visions of pumpkins, believing them to be linked to a boy who mysteriously disappeared last Halloween. As these experiences intensify, he desperately seeks a way to make the visions stop, and soon thinks the pumpkins are guiding him to another dimension to bring the boy back.”

Pumpkinhole. The title reminds me of that classic story: “Police were called to a nighttime disturbance in a farm field. Upon arriving, the cops discover a drunk guy, pants around his ankles, screwing a pumpkin he carved a hole in. Flashlights shining on the scene, the cops asked why the guy was having sex with a pumpkin, to which the drunk guy responded, “Pumpkin? Is it after midnight already?” Man, that NEVER gets old.

THE INHABITANT / October 2, 2022 (VOD)

“A teenage descendant of Lizzie Borden grapples with paranoia and her dark family past amid a series of real-life small town murders in this chilling psychological horror ride.”

Um, Lizzie and her sister Emma Borden never married, so how can she have descendants? No additional siblings documented from dad Andrew and step-b*tch mom Abby, either, so that theory is chopped to pieces. I have, then, no other conclusion than to deem this movie’s plot a complete sham. They should be aSHAMed.

THEY SEE YOU / October 3, 2022 (VOD)

“Years ago in a small, quiet town, the disappearance of several children remains a mystery. The town is home to three brothers. When boredom and curiosity get the best of the middle brother, he talks his two brothers into stealing a strange board on Halloween from a local shop that sells odd items. A board that is rumored to be cursed. When they unlock the board’s power, they inadvertently open a gateway to another dimension summoning ghouls to their small town. Now as their friends begin to disappear and masked creatures surround them, their only chance is to find the shop owner, and learn how to close the gate again, before it is too late.”

Sounds like these guys have been watching Jumanji (1995). But they substituted jungle creatures with plain ‘ol masked creatures that probably have never even seen a real forest — or so much as a hairy bush.

THEY CRAWL BENEATH / October 4, 2022 (DVD) October 27, 2022 (VOD)

“After an earthquake leaves Danny trapped and alone, his claustrophobic nightmare only gets worse when something truly horrifying emerges from the fissures in the ground, forcing him to engage in a brutal fight for his life and his sanity.”

This is also being called It Crawls Beneath. They should’ve called it Tremors (1990).

Cartoon Vampires, Kid-Eating Clowns, End of the World

Amazing — NASA announced they’ve discovered seven new Earth-like exoplanets. This is incredible news — now I have somewhere to go to wait out the next four years.

Speaking of waiting, here’s some upcoming horror movies that NASA hasn’t discovered yet…

SAVAGELAND (February, 2017)
“Illegal immigration wrapped around the mysterious mass murder and disappearance of 57 people. The disappearances took place in the off-the-grid border town of Sangre de Cristo, Arizona, just a few miles north of Mexico. The police arrest Francisco Salazar, the lone survivor. He is found covered with the blood of a number of his fellow residents.”

Sounds like this movie was funded by Republicans.

HERE ALONE (March 31, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“A young woman struggles to survive on her own in the wake of a mysterious epidemic that has decimated society and forced her deep into the unforgiving wilderness.”

If I was the lone survivor of an epidemic that wiped out all of humanity, screw going into the woods; I’d just go deep into an unforgiving bar and hang out with my friend Bud(weiser). He’s pretty quiet, but speaks volumes.

CASTLEVANIA (2017/Netflix)
“Inspired by the classic video game series, Castlevania is a dark medieval fantasy following the last surviving member of the disgraced Belmont clan, trying to save Eastern Europe from extinction at the hand of Vlad Dracula Tepes himself.”

This is an animated TV series, so all of the calories, none of the fun. Saving grace — Castlevania is being made by Frederator Studios, whose numerous credits include Adventure Time and SuperF*ckers.

CREPITUS (2017/2018)
“Seventeen year old Elizabeth and her younger sister, Sam, are thrust into circumstances more terrifying than life with their abusive, drunken mother when they are forced to move into their deceased grandfather’s house. Frightened beyond belief, they learn horrible things about their family history. Never mind the ghosts in the house, there is something far worse that takes an interest in them…a cannibalistic clown named Crepitus.”

Reminds me of that 1992 episode of The Simpsons where Bart is staying with The Flanders while his mom Marge is giving birth to Lisa, and he’s in a circus clown themed bed freaking out, shaking and repeating, “Can’t sleep…clowns will eat me.” So yeah, a cannibal clown. That’s pretty f’d up. And why would clowns eat kids in the first place? From what the guy at the deli tells me, they taste terrible no matter how much mayo you smear on ‘em. I should probably buy my sandwiches elsewhere.

EAT LOCALS (2017/2018)
“In a quiet countryside farmhouse, Britain’s vampires gather for their once-every-fifty-years meeting. Others will be joining them too; Sebastian Crockett, an unwitting Essex boy, the sexy cougar Vanessa, and a detachment of Special Forces vampire killers who have bitten off more than they can chew. This is certainly going to be a night to remember…and for some of them it will be their last.”

You’d think British vampires could find someplace nicer than a barn to hold their meetings. Might I suggest O’Henry’s — Home of the Power Drinkers. Appropriate as vampires could be referred to as power drinkers.

P.S. That’s a real place — I’ve been there. I shan’t return lest there be vampires about.