Archive for The Redwood Massacre

Japanese Ghouls, Alien Chicks, Fist Puppets

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tokyo Ghoul

A shout out congratulations to the horror channel American Horrors, who have been streaming brutal, classic/obscure and uncut slasher/serial killer movies for the last five years. Which brings up a random thought: How can slasher movies be “uncut”? Heh.

Here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi that may or may not be pre-sliced…

TOKYO GHOUL (July 29, 2017/Japan)
Ghouls live among us, the same as normal people in every way – except their craving for human flesh. Shy Ken Kaneki is thrilled to go on a date with the beautiful Rize. But it turns out that she’s only interested in his body – eating it, that is. When a morally questionable rescue transforms him into the first half-human half-ghoul hybrid, Ken is drawn into the dark and violent world of Ghouls, which exists alongside our own.”

Sounds like Ken is ghoul-whipped. Also sounds like a zombie movie, which is what we in America call ghouls. In France they call ‘em “le Ghouls.” It’s like the French have a different word for everything.

How To Talk To Girls At Parties

HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS AT PARTIES (2017)
“Enn is a shy teenage punk rocker in 1970s suburban London along with his two closest friends, Vic and John. One night they all sneak into a party where they meet a group of intensely attractive, otherworldly girls; at first they think they’re from a cult, but eventually come to realize the girls are literally from another world — outer space.”

Aliens or not, they’re still girls, right? Not seeing the problem here. And don’t alien chicks have tentacles and suckers? That means that can hug and kiss your entire body at the same time. If that isn’t a bonus, tell me what is?

The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance

THE DARK CRYSTAL: AGE OF RESISTANCE (2017/Netflix)
The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance returns to the world of Thra with an all new adventure. When three Gelfling discover the horrifying secret behind the Skeksis’ power, they set out on an epic journey to ignite the fires of rebellion and save their world.”

A prequel to the 1982 marionette fantasy, The Dark Crystal, created by the master of Muppets, Jim Henson. 35 years is a long time to wait for a sequel to a puppet movie. The late great James Coburn, who co-starred in 1984’s The Muppets Take Manhattan, had this to say about his role (paraphrased): “I ended up playing second fiddle to a piece of green felt with a fist up its ass.” Quite possible the best summation ever on puppets.

Redwood

REDWOOD (2017)
“Musician Josh and his girlfriend Beth head out to a secluded national park in search of some clarity and relaxation. But the couple get more than they bargained for when they ignore the advice of park rangers and venture off the trail, coming face to face with the Redwood’s legendary wildlife.”

Not to be mixed and matched 2014’s The Redwood Massacre. Redwood implies the “legendary wildlife” is Bigfoot or werewolf raccoon impersonating Bigfoot. Only one of those better be right.

Horror: Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Redwood Massacre

The best thing about being a decades long horror movie fan is that I’ve seen almost everything. The worst part about being a decades long horror movie fan is that I’ve seen almost everything. And not everything as in every horror movie ever made. (My couch would graft itself onto my DNA.) Nope, I mean every horror plot device – of which there are only five – to come down the pipe.

Take The Redwood Massacre, hitting DVD and VOD on July 7th, 2015. Everything, from it’s generic slasher title to the premise of five teens partying in the woods, to the masked killer with an ax has been done so many times before, it’s beyond laughable. But feel free to laugh, anyway.

First, why YET ANOTHER slasher? In the face of those real weirdo nut-cakes on the news that do far worse, any horror movie slasher now just comes across as cartoonish.

And the five teens in the woods? That’s is so cliched it’s like the writer of The Redwood Massacre didn’t even take the cap off his pen.

The Redwood Massacre

Want more proof? Here’s the plot: “For five adventurous friends, visiting the legendary murder site of the Redwood House has all the hallmarks of being an exciting and thrilling camping weekend. A popular site for revelers and party-goers, each year on the exact date of the famous local family massacre, people from around the country head out to the site to have fun and scare each other. Events take a bloody turn for the worse when the innocent campers discover the Redwood legend is in fact a horrible, bloody reality, which turns the unsuspecting victims into prey for a mysterious ax-wielding maniac who has remained dormant for 20 years.”

Axe-wielding masked psychopath on a killing rampage. Hmmm – where have we heard of that before? I know – EVERYWHERE. Case in point – here’s IMDB.com’s description of 1974’s The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, made over 40 years ago: “Five friends visiting their grandfather’s house in the country are hunted and terrorized by a chain-saw wielding killer.”

To illustrate just how simple it is the come up with a horror story, go to PlotGenerator.org.uk and simply fill in the form field. Takes a minute or two. Then click the “Write Me A Horror Plot” button at the bottom and, presto – you just came up with The Redwood Massacre.

P.S. Scarecrow’s stylish headwear in Batman Begins (2005) beat the mysterious ax-wielding maniac in The Redwood Massacre to the fashion runway by a decade.
Scarecrow