Fog Monsters, Hunting Grandma, Fort Fantastic

Watched the first episode of The Mist and am wondering if I should watch the rest of the season (as it plays out) or move on to something like Game of Thrones (I’m about six years behind). The Mist’s set up was underwhelming as they tried to cram too much character B.S. into it as the mist (which looked like fog to me), comes out of nowhere and envelopes a small mountain town.

So if you’ve seen the movie, you know that there be mutated monsters in the mist. What we got with the first episode of the TV series adaptation is a the aftermath of a dog being monster’d, a high school girl date raped at a party, a homeless military guy going nuts, a mom high school sex ed teacher getting fired for explaining BJs to her students and the requisite religious nut. Oh, and they don’t show any monsters. I feel betrayed and/or ambivalent at the same time.

Here are a few upcoming horror, sci-fi and fantasy movies that may or may not end up in land clouds caused by cold air passing over warmer water or moist land…

WTF! (August 1, 2017)
“Three years ago, 22 year old girl-next-door Rachel barely survived a brutal massacre that left her friends in pieces. Time has passed, Rachel has moved on, but unfortunately history has a way of repeating itself. Her close friends are spending spring break in a secluded house in the woods, and they have cordially invited her to join. Little does she realize that another bloodbath will be showing up as plus one. Once Rachel and her friends arrive at the cabin, the partying, sex, and terror begins.”

Tired, worn, cliched, photocopied, mimeographed…at least they got the title right.

DAVE MADE A MAZE (August 18, 2017)
“Dave builds a fort in his living room and ends up trapped inside by fantastical pitfalls, booby traps, and creatures, leaving his girlfriend Annie to head up the eccentric rescue team to go in after him.”

So Dave discovered drugs. It’s all about moderation, Dave. If I built a fort in my living room, it’d probably look like Area 51. Hey, UFOs aren’t just for looking at.

THE RITUAL (October 13, 2017 (UK)/2017/2018 (US)
A group of college friends reunite for a trip to the forest, but encounter a menacing presence in the woods that’s stalking them.

It has to be Bigfoot or one of their former college professors dressed up as Bigfoot. Really, those are the only two explanations. They should call this 7 Days A Weak: weak premise, weak dialogue, weak budget, weak characters… I shan’t waste your time any further on this subject.

LASSO (2017/2018)
“Simon and Kit, two young leaders of an Active Senior tour group, out on an adventure to a small-town rodeo festival located deep in the woods. It’s a great experience for the group…until they try to leave. Simon and Kit must save themselves, and whatever seniors they can, from becoming victims of a deadly Rodeo Ritual. Together the group must fight to survive the night from relentless bloodthirsty cowboys on the hunt for human livestock.”

Humans hunting grandpas and grandmas is new, but the concept of humans hunting humans for sport is not. A couple ’o fun ones to watch are 1976’s Logan’s Run and 1987’s The Running Man, both of the sci-fi variety. Spoiler — lots of running. You’ll feel like you got a month’s worth of exercising after watching ’em.

UFOs, Nightmares, Fog Monsters, Bigfoot

Watched YET ANOTHER Bigfoot documentary (I’ve pretty much seen ‘em all) and one “expert” (he’s not, I am) claims that there’s thousands of the highly marketable cryptid. Gonna have to call baloney puckey on that one. Do the math — there’s only ONE true Bigfoot. But hey, where did he come from? Wouldn’t he have had parents? What about a grandma who sends him a new sweater every Christmas? Those and many more questions will be answered when Bigfoot says so, not some dumbass “expert.” Uh, oh — I think I just called myself a dumbass. Oh well — not the first time.

Anyway, more mysterious horror/sci-fi topics being addressed in these upcoming films, of which I’m probably an expert at. Ahem.

UNACKNOWLEDGED (May 9, 2017/iTunes™)
“Unacknowledged focuses on the historic files of the Disclosure Project and how UFO secrecy has been ruthlessly enforced — and why. The best evidence for extraterrestrial contact, dating back decades, is presented with direct top-secret witness testimony, documents and UFO footage, 80% of which has never been revealed anywhere else.”

About flippin’ time. UFOs are real and everybody knows it. Getting them to admit it, on film even, is the tough part. Unacknowledged is headed up by Dr. Steven Greer, a guy who put his reputation on the line by going up against the government and petitioning them to come clean with the E.T. goods. I’d go to him for medical/conspiracy services. Heck, when you think about, he’s probably really good at proctology. Don’t make me explain this.

BACKWOOD MADNESS (2017)
“Backwood Madness is a horror fantasy movie that bustles with trolls and goblins. Situated during the second World War, it tells a story about a conflict between men and creatures of the forest. The main character is struggling with his own mysterious past that is taking events towards the inevitable collision with destiny.”

Haven’t seen a good troll since Troll Hunter (2010), so puttin’ this on my “to do” list taped to the kitchen mop (that’s on the “to-do”list as well). And with the addition of goblins, maybe Hollywood can make up for those goblins in the steaming pile of fantasy mess that was Legend (1985).

FLESH OF THE VOID (2017)
“The film was shot almost entirely on expired Super 8 film from the ’80s, and is intended as a trip through the deepest fears of human beings, exploring its subject in a highly grotesque, violent and extreme manner. It’s 80 minutes of pure Hell, playing out like a non linear, psychedelic nightmare.”

This on sounds both icky and must-see at the same time. Kinda like watching an octopus attack on a ocean-wading tourist in a loud shirt drinking a margarita. And the words “highly grotesque” and “psychedelic nightmare” go together like “octopus” and “tourist with a loud shirt and margarita.”

EL SECRETO DE MARROWBONE (October 27, 2017/Spain)
“A young man and his four younger siblings, who have kept secret the death of their beloved mother in order to remain together, are plagued by a sinister presence in the sprawling manor in which they live.”

Theorized (and probably right) spoiler: It’s their baby-sitter who never got paid for watching the brats.

THE MIST (2017/Netflix™)
“After an eerie mist rolls into a small town, the residents must battle the mysterious mist and its threats, fighting to maintain morality and sanity.”

This, of course, is the TV series version of the not-too-shabby 2007 movie of the same name, based on one of Stephen King’s better sessions at the typewriter. It’s not a spoiler to casually mention there are mutated creatures that live in the mist or “fog.” I like the idea of a TV series as it will flesh out that angle and maybe show us how the military opened another dimension and let the bed bugs in. I’ll be taking notes.