Even though The Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films was founded in 1972 to honor, recognize and promote genre films, NOT ONCE have they called me to accept a bowling trophy-esque shelf ornament during their annual Saturn Awards for Excellence in the Field of Horror/Sci-Fi Blogging. I feel this is a form of snob celebrity elitism. (The bag boys at the grocery store pull rank on me as well.)
Regardless of their humiliating oversight, the Saturn Awards, taking place June 22, 2016 in Burbank, CA, looks to acknowledge the horror/sci-fi/fantasy/misc. genres with metric tons of movie stars, directors, writers and complimentary shrimp platters with cocktail sauce for dipping. And since they have a million nominating categories, I’ve picked a few to see whose in line for winning a bowling trophy-esque award.
And the nominees (with my predicted winners) are…
BEST FILM SPECIAL/VISUAL EFFECTS
• Avengers: Age of Ultron – How in the heck do they make Iron Man fly? Surely he must weigh, like, a metric ton.
• Jurassic World – Dinosaurs dishing out dino sores. Awesome, though we’ve seen it three times before.
• Mad Max: Fury Road – Best road rage action since your morning commute.
• The Martian – Zillow™ is already pricing profiling Mars’ real estate.
• Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It had to be mind-blowing because they need to keep milking the money-printing franchise.
• Ex Machina – Winner
Best usually means who had the budget to afford all those pricey eyeball delights. While each one of these should win, I’m going with smaller budgeted Ex-Machina because it shows up close and personal full front/back/top/bare bottom female nudity. So what if it’s a naked chick robot encased in synthetic bubble wrap? If you were stranded on a desert island with one, it wouldn’t be an issue.
BEST HORROR FILM RELEASE
• Crimson Peak – Visually stylish ghost story, but the boos needed more booze.
• Insidious: Chapter 3 – No.
• It Follows – Yes.
• Krampus – Kinda.
• The Visit – Sorta.
• What We Do in the Shadows – Winner
Made by the Flight of the Concords comedy troupe, What We Do In the Shadows is the best vampire movie since Let The Right One In (2008) and 30 Days of Night/2007.(My opinion only, based on recommended daily doses of sweet and refreshing adult beverages.)
BEST INDEPENDENT FILM RELEASE
• 99 Homes – I didn’t see the first 98 homes, so…
• Cop Car – I see enough of them as it is.
• Experimenter – Didn’t have enough money to experiment with the movie ticket price, so…
• Room – Didn’t see it.
• Trumbo– Didn’t see it.
• Bone Tomahawk – Winner
Cannibals versus cowboys, hands down Bone Tomahawk starring Kurt Russell should win, if only for the movie’s last 15 minutes alone. Haven’t seen it? I double dog dare you to get through the last 15 minutes without your pants squirming up into your poo portal.
BEST INTERNATIONAL FILM RELEASE
• The 100 Year-Old-Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared – Dumb title. Didn’t want to see it.
• Goodnight Mommy – Potentially.
• Labyrinth of Lies – Didn’t see it.
• Legend – Didn’t see it.
• Turbo Kid – Seriously?
• The Wave – Winner
Based on an actual event that happened before you were born, The Wave is a Norwegian disaster film about a small community situated on a fjord about to be swallowed by a 250-foot mega tsunami, the result of a mega landslide. The wild wave itself is quite spectacular, but it’s the testicle-tightening lead up and post-wave t*tty-twisting that delivers the groceries.
BEST SCIENCE FICTION FILM RELEASE
• Ex Machina – Nudity is not science fiction.
• Jurassic World – Is DNA cloning science fiction? I think not.
• The Martian – This movie was based on science fact, which negates fiction.
• Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It’s not fiction in the minds of Star Wars nerds.
• Terminator: Genisys – No.
• Mad Max: Fury Road – Winner
Mad Max: Fury Road is insanity awesome. It instantly made me want to adorn my car with gasoline-powered sharp things and drive on sidewalks at 100 m.p.h.
Drinkin' & Drive-in 