Raining Blood, Gotham Farewell, Cursed Rockstars

Of all the cool Pennywise the Dancing Clown swag out there, the Pennywise bleeding umbrella has got to be one of the most awesomely awesome things yet.

A white umbrella sporting Pennywise’s ghoulish face, the weather beater is also printed with “liquid reactive” technology so that when water/rain hits it, the umbrella suddenly comes to life with blood streaks. (I wonder if my underwear is made with liquid reactive technology? That could explain a few things.)

Arriving soon (June, 2019) and licensed by Merchoid, the Pennywise blood umbrella costs only $22.95. I plan on getting one and walking to church in the rain. Yes, my sense of humor is that bent.

While we all pray for rain, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not leave you with red streaks in your underwear…

THE 27 CLUB (April 23, 2019)
“A singer-songwriter chasing fame and a journalism student researching his thesis are drawn into a sinister underworld as each attempts to discover the truth behind the curse of ‘The 27 Club’.”

The 27 Club is an actual term given to rock musicians who died at the age of 27. (Physical death, not Billboard Top 100 chart death.) Members include Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, Kurt Cobain, and Amy Winehouse. Clearly, this is not a club you want to join at any age. P.S. There was another movie with the same title in 2008. Didn’t see it as it the plot description made no mention of dead rockstars.)

GOTHAM (series finale/April 18th & 25, 2019)
“As Bane enacts his final plan for Gotham’s destruction, Gordon rallies his former enemies to save the city. Meanwhile, Nyssa al Ghul kidnaps Barbara’s newborn daughter, with ambitions to raise her as her own. Then, Bruce’s decision to leave Gotham points him to his destiny, while devastating Selina.”

Really hate seeing this one go as Ive been enthusiastically watching it since 2014. Putting all of the main players in the Batman origins universe, this show has been ridiculously brutal, graphically gory, and unapologetically violent. In other words…FUN! The Joker, Riddler, Penguin, Mr. Freeze, Catwoman (Catgirl, actually), Poison Ivy, Bane, Hugo Strange, Ra’s al Ghul, Jim Gordon, Jonathan Crane, The Mad Hatter… Best of all, no Robin. (Sorry, but that guy’s pantyhose makes me feel uncomfortable.)

ANTRUM: THE DEADLIEST MOVIE EVER MADE (2019)
“Antrum is the titular cursed feature, which purports to have been shot in the late 1970s by unknown filmmakers. It spins the tale of two siblings who perform an occult ritual in the woods, seeking closure after the death of a beloved pet. But their seemingly symbolic act may have truly unleashed Hell on Earth.”

When you slap on “The Deadliest Movie Ever Made,” you better bring the groceries, though I’m prepared to be suckered YET AGAIN. On a side note, is it just me or does this kinda sounds like a spin on Pet Sematary (1989/2019)?

TRICK (2019/2020)
“An elusive serial killer descends upon a small town annually and is responsible for gruesome murders year after year, each seemingly unrelated. No one believes this could be the same killer. Detective Denver has faced Trick once before, having shot and killed him. Or so everyone keeps telling him. However, Denver knows Trick is still out there, and he’s coming back for revenge.”

Sounds like the serial killer — and the movie director — has been watching the Purge movies.

Virtual Undead, Love-Struck Mermaids, Death Janitor

Want to experience demon-possessed zombies without letting them stick pencils into the squishy marshmallow that is your flesh? (Tell me you got that reference.) Well now you can do it writing-utensil-free with Evil Dead: Virtual Nightmare.

As first reported by Bloody_Disgusting.com, the online site Horror-Fix.com issued a press release: “Evil Dead: Virtual Nightmare will offer fans a truly unique opportunity to fully immerse themselves within The Evil Dead universe unlike ever before. With 360 degree sound and vision the players can roam freely around The Evil Dead world. Evil Dead: Virtual Nightmare will offer players a thrilling experience in first person mode inside the infamous cabin and engage them taking on Deadites in the surrounding forest.”

This sounds way cooler than the virtual horror reality that is real life. While we wait for Evil Dead: Virtual Nightmare to arrive June 2018 on iOS and Android devices (this sucks as I only have a walkie-talkie — hey, it was FREE), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem real to you…

SEQUENCE BREAK (May 24, 2018/Shudder™)
“A reclusive video arcade repairman experiences bizarre biomechanical mutations and Cronenbergian hallucinations when a mysterious new arcade machine appears in his shop. Reality itself threatens to fracture as the young man works to solve its mystery — and overcome the new chaos that has entered his life.”

I’m a bit unclear with this — when doesn’t an arcade machine cause mutations and hallucinations? Heck, that’s why I play ‘em! I bet the arcade machine takes your soul instead of quarters. Too bad — I have more quarters than soul.

THE MERMAID: LAKE OF THE DEAD (July 19, 2018)
“An evil mermaid — who was once a beautiful young woman that drowned centuries ago — falls in love with a woman’s fiancée and aims to take him back to her deadly underwater kingdom.”

Sounds like Splash! (1984), but with the high potential for grievous bodily harm. Not clear on why the mermaid is evil. I’ll have to consult Flipper. He’s so dang smart.

OVERLORD (October 26, 2018)
“Two paratroopers are caught behind enemy lines after their plane crashes on a mission to destroy a German radio tower in a small town outside of Normandy during the D-Day invasion. After reaching their target, the two paratroopers come to realize that besides fighting off Nazi soldiers, they also must combat against supernatural forces that are a result of a secret Nazi experiment.”

Nazis are the go-to bad guys in lots of horror movies, second only to vampires and sharks. Maybe they should all start a band.

THE CLEANING LADY (2018/2019)
“As a means to distract herself from an affair, a love-addicted woman befriends a cleaning lady, badly scarred by burns. She soon learns, these scars run much deeper than the surface.”

If you work with cleaning solvents and are badly scarred by burns, quit washing your face with Clorox™ followed by a good burnishing with an S.O.S.™ pad. (P.S. Do NOT wash your face with Clorox™ — unless you want to look like The Joker.)