Post-Puberty Demonic Blues

The haunting part of The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2009), a made-for-teen chicks “horror” movie, is in reference to something her parents did while Molly was being born. Given how bland this movie is, a ghost — even a digital one — would’ve been preferable.

After mom is rightfully placed in an insane asylum for stabbing her daughter in the chest with a pair of scissors (told, not shown), Molly begins hearing voices in her head. She and dad move to a new town, and Molly attends one of those “everybody dress the same” high schools full of over-privileged snotty classmates who listen to hip hop and dance like dorks.

Molly is caught between trying to fit in and being “haunted” by the voices. The school counselor tries helping, but no one believes Molly’s mom has escaped and is coming back to “save her” before she turns 18, which is, like, tomorrow.

Confused and distraught, Molly seeks the spiritual guidance of her religious classmate after hearing her escaped mom tell her why she needs to be stabbed in the chest again. Seems Molly was being born prematurely in a bus station bathroom. She was supposed to die, but a mysterious (i.e., evil) woman appeared out of nowhere and offered to save Molly’s life.

With screaming and blood and a stillborn on the way, Molly’s parents agreed and the mysterious (i.e., evil) woman made everything good as new. The price for such a bargain is that Molly’s soul belongs to Satan upon her 18th birthday. Talk about sticker shock.

So what happened to Molly? She had one HELL of a birthday.

P.S. Not sure why, but they made a sequel called The Exorcism of Molly Hartley (2015). That one feature more Molly and less clothes.

P.P.S. So exactly why did I watch a teen horror movie? I just finished Rob Zombie’s 31 (2016) and felt a need to cleanse the palate.

Haunted Chicks

Horror movies like to kiss each others’ b-holes. A truer statement was never made. This is why after Paranormal Activity came out in 2007 and hit big box office Lotto™ double mega gold, we’ve seen no less than 30 horror movies that invoke the buzzword, “paranormal.” (I’d list them all here but I’m low on activity.)

So the new trigger word to get you to buy in to horror crap-o-rama is “haunting.” That’s a good go-to word as it implies ghosts, ghost demons, unexplained ghosts, lingering beer farts… There are near countless books, TV shows and movies that employ the money word. Curiously, though, is how it is applied to horror movies with girl names. Like I said, b-hole kissing.

The most current (as of this e-blog barfing) invocation of “haunting” as paired with a chick comes with The Haunting of Helena (2013), which attempts to goons you out with a formulaic story line: “A single mother moves into a new house with her daughter. Soon after the young girl has her first baby tooth fall off, she begins to recount that she is having nocturnal visits by a tooth fairy. It seems the house has a sinister history.”

Meh.

The first “haunted girl” movie came in 1977 with The Haunting of Julia, which is actually a decent ghost-y story: “After the death of her daughter, Julia Lofting, a wealthy housewife, moves to London to re-start her life. All seems well until she is haunted by the sadness of losing her own child and the ghosts of other children.”

Sounds meh, but is actually pretty cool.

In 2003 came The Haunting of Rebecca Verlaine (aka, Garden of Love): “A woman who’s family was brutally murdered when she was little is instructed by her family’s ghosts to bring the killers to them so their souls can rest in peace.”

Was this accomplished? Meh.

Then there’s The Haunting of Molly Hartley and The Haunting of Amelia, both released in 2008. Molly: “Molly Hartley looks to put her troubled past behind her with a fresh start at a new school, where she sparks with one of the most popular students. But can her secrets stay buried, especially as she learns more about the horrific truth that awaits her once she turns 18?”

A meh teen ghost story made for the Twilight dorks.

The Haunting of Amelia (aka The Other Side of the Tracks): “Ten years after a tragic train accident killed his girlfriend, Josh finds himself haunted by disturbing visions from somewhere between the world of the living and the dead, haunting memories that keep him from moving on.”

Haven’t seen this one. Kinda burned out on “The Haunting of…” type horror movies. Maybe I’ll give it viewing once I hold a seance in the light of the refrigerator to conjure the spirits of a six-pack.