Archive for The Beast

Summer Sharks, Shape-Shifters, Soul-Suckers

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Meg

A few more key art pieces for the upcoming (August 10, 2018) gigantic shark movie, The Meg. I guess all my hopes and dreams of being depicted alongside (but not inside) the Megalodon as frameable art have been swallowed up whole.

The Meg

Only other thing new I’ve been able to find out about this pee-shivering-with-excitement film is that the Meg is 75-feet long. By comparison, a school bus full of tweens is only 45-feet long. Guess which one can stay underwater longer?

While I continue to countdown the days for The Meg to chew up the big screen with big screams, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as horrifying as riding in a bus full of tweens…

Lifechanger

LIFECHANGER (2018)
“A murderous shape-shifter is on a blood-soaked mission to make things right with the woman he loves.”

You’d think being a shape-shifter would open up endless opportunities for “love”, so I guess this guy is a romantic wuss under all that murderousness.

Heretiks

HERETIKS (2018/2019)
“In the early 17th Century, innocent young Persephone is falsely accused and put on trial for her life. Her fate seems sealed except for the timely intervention of the mysterious Reverend Mother offering her not just sanctuary, but hope. For the Reverend Mother is the self-appointed leader of a small religious retreat, a secluded Priory, where her fellow Sisters devote their lives to the Lord and seek atonement for their pasts. But upon arrival, Persephone is plagued with terrifying visions and soon realizes that it’s not salvation that awaits but a battle for her very soul itself.”

Heretiks aren’t the only things that float like a log. (You got the double reference, yes?)

Terrified

TERRIFIED (aka, Aterradoes/2018/2019)
“When strange events occur in a neighborhood in Buenos Aires, a doctor specializing in the paranormal, her colleague, and an ex-police officer decide to investigate further.”

Buenos Aires liberally translates as “fair winds” or “good airs”. That means the occurring “strange events” must be the opposite of that. Logically, it assumes somebody’s passing some sort of evil wind/air. Definitely they should investigate — can’t have this kind of behavior stinkin’ up the capital of Argentina.

Glass

GLASS (January 19, 2019)
Following the conclusion of Split, Glass finds Dunn pursuing Crumb’s superhuman figure of The Beast in a series of escalating encounters, while the shadowy presence of Price emerges as an orchestrator who holds secrets critical to both men.”

Didn’t see Split, so I have no idea what they’re talking about. I’m the same with politics, religion and romantic comedies.

Sharks Can Be So Cruel

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cruel Jaws

Just because you have the proper noun Jaws in your movie title doesn’t make it part of the Jaws (1975) family. Nor does reusing dialogue, plot and swiping footage from the Jaws series (as well as Great White/1981 and Deep Blood/1989) qualify as an actual movie. More like cut ‘n paste plagiarism. The only thing cool about Cruel Jaws (1995/aka, Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws and The Beast), which is guilty by a jury of its peers of the above crimes against humanity, is its title. Everything else is just regurgitated bait.

Cruel Jaws

A territorial 35-foot great white shark, thought to be the by-product of military fussing, is attacking and eating the flavorful folks in Hampton Bay, an affordable (at the time) small Florida coastal town. There’s an upcoming Regatta (a sporting event consisting of a series of boat or yacht races) party, and the marauding shark could chomp into their profits. The local sheriff and a teen shark expert (“Sharks swim, eat and make baby sharks…”, a line directly lifted from Jaws) go on the hunt for the “readily available on a moment’s notice” monster. The plan is to kill it. There’s the cruel part.

Cruel Jaws

To bring an emotional element into the mix, they feature a little girl in a wheel chair. “Daddy — give that shark a punch in the nose for me…” That is SO cute. Then there’s a rich kid on a yacht with his friends, armed with guns and gasoline. May the yacht rest in peace. Elsewhere, one of the main characters looks exactly like pro wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, so a fair guess would be he’d use a folding metal chair to take down the mouthy monster in a no-holds barred shark cage match. You could have a zebra fish as the referee. Heh.

Cruel Jaws

All that and the best scene comes when the shark, taking the bait (raw rump roast) dangling from a helicopter, ends up eating the civil aircraft and its occupants — as dessert. Sharks need roughage in their diet.

Cruel Jaws

Cruel J seems to mark his territory around a sunken military ship, presumably where he was born and set free upon the boat’s demise. So this is where the squeaky clean teens and Hulk Hogan go to plant dynamite. (Sure hope the ref isn’t watching.) The ship, though, is loaded with valuables that local criminals try to retrieve. CJ cares not for thieves.

Cruel Jaws

As painfully bad as Cruel Jaws is, you should probably watch it (on YouTube™ for free) and turn it into a drinking game. Do a shot every time you see a stolen scene/dialogue from Jaws; You’ll be passed out cold long before the part where a barking seal interrupts a crooked local amusement park owner’s hot-air balloon speech and knocks him into the dolphin tank. (They don’t show it, but the dolphins likely tore the guy in half and feasted on his land guts. I’m pretty sure of it.)

Closet Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Poltergeist

A California suburb isn’t usually the best place to situate a ghost story, but it works crazy effectively in Poltergeist (1982).

A middle class family with bratty kids live in a sprawling community. Out of all the houses practically overlapping each other, theirs is the only one built on top of a relocated graveyard that substitutes as a portal to Hell. Cool – no commuting!

Poltergeist

Kick ass ghostly events (i.w., the steak/face thing), culminating in their five year-old daughter being sucked into the ghost dimension, goes on for a while before Steve and Diane Freeling (mom and dad) call in parapsychologists to help them find her. They can communicate with little Carol Anne through the TV, which is kinda like a smart phone for your eyes.

Poltergeist

The dead, led by an entity determined to be The Beast, don’t wanna give up Carol Anne as she soothes their pain or something. The Freelings, led by Tangina, a psychic medium, have to go into Hell (via a closet – trust me, it works) and get their daughter back to make the little polter-scamp clean up her room.

Poltergeist

Poltergiest is called one of the Top 20 scariest movies of all time. I would not debate that over cold refreshing alcoholic beverages as there are non-stop paranormal events pumping you up to the grand finale, which is so over the top as to be entertaining.

Poltergeist

I wish my closet was a portal to Hell. As it is, just my front door is.