Puzzling Horror, Egg Aliens, Camera-Ready Zombies

The most puzzling thing about horror movies is how some of them got made. Then again, without punchbowl turds as Frankenstein Island (1981), Bride of Boogedy (1987), or the painfully watchable Urotsukidôji I: Legend of the Overfiend (1989), our lives would not be as fulfilled as promised by alcohol. But what if horror movies were turned into literal puzzles? Gird your bladder — you can now get horror movie puzzles that combines b-grade with brilliance, all for $25.99 (or less).

Created by Rachid Lotf, you can get a 28”x20” 1,000-piece House of Horrors puzzle, a spectacular and colorful collage of featuring Halloween, Jaws, The Thing, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and lots more. Or there’s the Horror Night Watch Party, also 1,000 pieces, featuring Pinhead, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Chucky, Michael Myers and Leatherface, all watching horror movies on a TV as if having some sort of social gathering. And Rachid’s Horror VHS Cemetery puzzle is like a trip down a Blockbuster Video™ memory lane. P.S. there’s even a Blockbuster™ era video puzzle.

While you can buy all of ’em (and more) by clicking this, here are few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem like a puzzle missing a few pieces…

ALIEN INVASION / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A group of friends find a large strange egg that hatches. Unfortunately, the egg contains an intergalactic predator. Now they must stop it from reaching civilization.”

Eggs are a super food, so not seeing the problem here.

TIN & TINA / Out now (Netflix™)

“After a tragic abortion, Lola and her husband Adolfo adopt Tin and Tina, a seemingly angelic brother and sister with an ultra-Catholic education that makes them interpret the Holy Bible verbatim.”

Reading the Bible verbatim should scare the Holy crap outta everyone.

THE DEVIL’S STOMPING GROUND / JUNE 27, 2023 (VOD)

“On May 1, 2021, fifteen college film students traveled to the place in the Uwharrie Mountains of North Carolina, known as The Devil’s Tramping Ground, to shoot their senior short film project. What happened that night was a tragedy. The Devil’s Stomping Ground is a narrative feature, edited together from the footage the seniors were shooting for their movie and the behind-the-scenes documentary footage two juniors were shooting of their efforts. The film chronicles the day and subsequent night of their shoot. It is a cautionary tale about temptation, pushing your luck, and the inevitable consequences of being oblivious to your surroundings. Will they be ‘forever changed’ as the legend suggests?”

The tragedy is they turned this into a movie.

FINAL CUT / July 14, 2023 (VOD)

“Set against the backdrop of a B-movie shoot that is descending into disaster, the director who seems to be the only one invested with the necessary energy to keep the low-budget zombie film afloat. As he tries to gee up jaded technicians and uninterested actors, shooting is disturbed by the arrival of authentic undead.”

This is the French remake of Japanese zombie comedy, One Cut of the Dead. I have no idea why I know that.

Horror Legends, Crapping Aliens, Cowboy Grave Risers

Sad to report the passing of another another horror/sci-fi movie icon, Harry Dean Stanton (July 14, 1926 – September 15, 2017), whom I first saw as the affable Brett in Alien (1979). He was the first to make the Xenomorph’s to-do in list. In all, Harry starred in nearly 200 movies/TV shows, notably Escape From New York (1981), Christine (1983), Repo Man (1984), and even a small part in The Avengers (2012). (He saw The Hulk naked.)

And on this note, I was remiss in reporting the earlier passing of horror icon movie maker, Tobe Hooper (January 25, 1943 – August 26, 2017), the man behind Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974), Eaten Alive (1976), Salem’s Lot (1979), Poltergeist (1982), Invaders From Mars (1986), The Mangler (1995) and was a big part of the Masters of Horror series (2005) and many more. (Tobe even did the Billy Idol video, “Dancing With Myself.”)

I’ve watched all these movies, sometimes over and over (I’m looking in your direction Alien and your endless repackaging.) To say these men had an impact on my neverending love for horror and sci-fi is an understatement. Thank you, gentlemen — your work gave me a very rewarding life.

Here are a few just-released horror/sci-fi that may not exist without the talents and influence of Harry Dean Stanton and Tobe Hooper…

5TH KIND (available now)
“Three best friends try to get ‘internet famous’ by filming their own survival show out in the woods. A weekend trip to accomplish this project turns deadly when a mysterious and very foreign visitor ends up in their neck of the woods.”

This movie — which is not a sequel to The Fourth Kind (2009) — answers the question, do aliens crap in the woods. The key art gives it away, minus the doo doo part. I don’t wanna see that on any poster. Except Rise of Toilet Man. I hear it’s overflowing with horror. Ahem.

KM 31-2 (available now)
“Martin Ugalde is the detective who led the investigation into a series of mysterious deaths on a benighted stretch of road surrounded by woodland. Having been disgraced and even incarcerated for failing to solve the original case, he is now back on the case. Meanwhile, young Ágata, who awoke from a coma at the end of the original, is now possessed by an evil spirit.”

This one came out in Mexico on October 31, 2016, or so they say. I was not able to get into Mexico to verify. I kept being deported. The title is in reference to a road with the KM part being either kilometer or “kill-o-meter.” Kinda wondering how they work in the “possessed by and evil spirit” angle. It could be a simple, solveable case of eating a bad burrito.

CAPPS CROSSING (available now)
“10 years ago David left his girlfriend Tracy all alone in the forest after she broke up with him. Tracy never made it back to camp alive. Every year David returns to pay his respects at Capps Crossing, the site of her death. After years of built up pain, anger and guilt he loses his mind and takes it out on a group of campers that chose Capps Crossing for their weekend getaway. There’s just one rule at Capps Crossing…never be alone.”

This one might get weak plot of the year award. And by the way, Tracy’s not dead — she’s breaking up with some other dude at Dumpsville, just down the road apiece.

DEAD AGAIN IN TOMBSTONE (available now)
“Guerrero (Danny Trejo) returns from the dead to protect a stolen relic from falling into the hands of a gang of soldiers, which will ultimately cause Hell upon earth.”

The great Danny Trejo doing his best Jonah Hex in this country western horror cheapie. And Jonah Hex (2010) was just a cowboy version of The Crow (1994). But instead of a crow bringing you back across the veil of death, it was a donkey, or “sand kangaroo.”

Skinwalkers, Prime Time Cults, Evil Birdhouses

Every time I think there are no more cool things to distract me from real life, up pops a thing so cool, life itself becomes meaningless. This time it’s The Evil Dead (1981) horror cabin made into a birdhouse. Made by Reddit’s murdrfaze — and soon-to-be for sale (albeit severely limited to 10) — the birdhouses are constructed by hand and the rock chimney made from creek stones. I feel that’s pretty dang cool.

I’d probably buy one but I think all the birds in my neighborhood are already possessed by the same demons that made The Evil Dead cabin so evil. If you could see how many times I have to wash the bird crap off my car, you’d swear some giant, flying beaked monster ate a high fiber city and decided to pooptie all over my hooptie.

Speaking of things that may or may not make you wanna soil yourself (or on someone else’s car that’s not mine), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that could qualify as being quite craptacular…

THE MONSTER PROJECT (August 18, 2017)/Limited/VOD)
“A group of aspiring horror filmmakers, eager to raise their YouTube™ subscriber count, post an online casting call for ‘real life’ monsters to interview for their documentary. They find three participants and choose to film them sharing their haunted experiences in a mansion in the woods on the night of a lunar eclipse. The production suddenly turns into a nightmare when the participants transform into a real skinwalker, vampire, and demon forcing the unsuspecting crew to fight for their lives.”

Cool title and premise. Wish they called me to be one of the monsters; I think I’d make for a pretty good werewolf/skinwalker, what with my long hair and penchant for ribeye steaks with a side of khakis. And no, I wouldn’t go around sniffing butts. Even as a werewolf, I’d maintain at least a few social standards.

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: CULT (September 5, 2017)
“Politics and clowns play a pivotal role in AHS: Cult.”

Clowns and politicians. Thought they were one in the same. The new art, though, suggests bees will somehow be around to create a buzz (heh) about AHS’s seventh season. I hear it’ll be an 11-episode dealie. Was not a big fan of season six (Roanoke), though I did like season 5 (Hotel). Pretty dang gory, violent and entertaining because of those two essential horror ingredients. So for season seven, keep those and just add a little…honey. (Heh.)

LEATHERFACE
(September 21, 2017/DirecTV/October 20, 2017Theatrical/VOD)
“Jessica Madsen plays one of four inmates who escape from a mental hospital. One of them becomes the title character and iconic slasher. The quartet kidnap a young nurse and take her on a road trip from hell. Along the way, they are pursued by an equally deranged lawman out for revenge.”

Wrote about this one back on October 25 of the year 2016 A.D.. But hey, new poster and a locked ’n loaded (finally) release date. Here’s some more info that’ll rev up you — it’s being given an R rating for “strong bloody violence, disturbing images, language and some sexuality/nudity.” I have no problem with that.

CAMP COLD BROOK (in production)
Camp Cold Brook centers around a horrific incident in 1993 when dozens of young campers, without warning, stand at attention, seemingly in a hypnotic trance, and proceed to attack not only each other but the staff as well with deadly intent. The survivors then bind their feet with rope tethered to large rocks and drag themselves into the nearby lake.”

“Twenty-five years later, reality TV ghost hunter Jack Wilson finds himself in a tough spot. His show, Haunted Places, is on the brink of being canceled. In a last ditch effort to spark ratings to land a final season, he and his producers, as well as their trusted cameraman, choose the legend of Camp Cold Brook to try to save their show.”

“Their arrival begins like any other episode. Cameras are placed, and the team sets up shop in the dilapidated lodge and waits. But this is not going to be a regular episode. The terror here was real, and the 30 are about to rise.”

Yes, this has been done before, so quit e-yawning. That’s MY job.

Blood, Leather and Mom

Still marveling over technology’s ability to stop a horror movie long enough for you to go to the bathroom, and then resume when you’re done. (Did you wash your hands?) Wonder if they make digital catheters, you know, to eliminate the middle man?

Anyway, here’s some plausible pause-ables…

BLOODY BITS (available now)
“Black Fawn Distribution, in association with essential Canadian horror film festival Blood In The Snow (BITS), has released the brand new short horror film compilation entitled Bloody BITS – Shorts Compilation. The collection highlights seven of the film festival’s best short horror films and, in support of the DVD’s new release, which is currently available for order exclusively through blackfawndistribution.com.”

I like horror shorts. Not the ones I’m wearing, but the “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” mini movies that cater to my ADD. Normally, I’d just knock that condition into submission with six or eleven beers. But short horror movies achieve the same results, though not nearly as fun.

LEATHERFACE (available now/UK)
“Four wannabe actors take part in a horrifying reality show in which a serial killer stalks them in a remote cabin and their reactions are filmed for TV. The survivor of the week is promised $1 million and the starring role in their very own horror film. The only problem is the role of the killer is being played by a maniacal murderer who has been let out of an insane asylum to continue his reign of terror.”

This one’s a lawsuit-in-a-can. There’s already an official Texas Chainsaw Massacre spin-off called Leatherface (as deftly reported here back in October 2016) pending a 2017 release. This RIP-OFF Leatherface has been released in the UK and has nothing to do with the TCM franchise, even though the guy on the front looks deceptively similar, as does his choice of power tools. International wars were started over far less.

THE BELKO EXPERIMENT (March 17, 2017/VOD)
“The American Belko company in South America is mysteriously sealed off at the beginning of a work day and its employees are ordered to kill each other or be killed themselves. This starts an escalation of violence, where we discover the true nature of each and every Belko employee.”

Corporate employees killing each other. So much for an HR department. Wondering though — if you get killed, does that take away from your accrued vacation time?

KILLING GROUND (2017)
“Ian and Samantha arrive at an isolated campsite to find an SUV and a tent — no sign of the occupants. As night falls and the campers fail to return, Ian and Sam grow increasingly uneasy. The discovery of a distressed child wandering in the woods unleashes a terrifying chain of events that will test them to breaking point.”

Time to invoke the legally-binding “finder’s keepers” claim here and score yourself some new wheels and a portable roof over your head. Don’t be a douche — do the right thing and leave a thank-you note.

BORDERLINE (2017)
“Maria and Silvia have lost their mother and they have decided to put her to rest in the nearby forest. One of the sisters becomes unhinged by the loss. Her mental instability leads to tragedy as the other sibling and others do their best to survive this dark encounter.”

Bigfoot’s not gonna cotton to you burying your garbage on his property. This also makes me wonder why the sisters are dumping no-longer-mom in the woods and side-stepping a formal funeral with all the bling? Maybe they were adopted.

Monster Friends

Películas para no dormir: Adivina quién soy, a 2006 Spanish horror movie, translates to Non-Sleeping Movies: Guess Who I Am? Weird; the name I found this under is A Real Friend. Both are crappy titles that give no insight as to what it is you’re watching. And even after you watch it, you’re still left wondering WTH.(Digital speak for “what the heckaroo.”)

Tweener Esrtella’s dad died. Her single and still hot mom works double shifts as a nurse and indulges in her naughty whims with the security guard at their apartment buildingm in the romantic parking garage. While her mother is busy getting busy, Estrella, obesessed with horror movies and books, makes friends with Texas Chain Saw Massacre’s Leatherface (she even takes him to school) and a bald vampire who follows her around town. He’s the splitting image of Count Orlok from 1929’s Nosferatu. She calls him simply, “Vampiro.” It suits him.

Mom (non-mom name: Angela) gets a visit from a drunk, pistol-packing detective who warns her of this “vampiro” (clue: he’s been chasing him for years) who once raped her and later died in prison. He didn’t really croak. In fact, he’s in town for some more illegal lovin’. You can imagine the look on mom’s face when Estrella brings Vampiro home to share a nice dinner of homemade pizza and wine. (He picked all the pineapple chunks off the pizza before consuming. Good — pineapple does not belong on pizza any more than a garlic headband belongs on a vampiro.)

Dinner goes south, mom gets slapped, Estrella gets sent to bed, and Vampiro forces mom (which oddly she’s kinda up for) into a less than romantic encounter on el couch. It’s here Estrella summons her monster friends: zombies, Mr. Hyde and the real Count Orlock (nifty cameo). A chase scene through the underground parking garage ends with a confrontation with the saw. Man, I sure hope Vampiro doesn’t lose his head over this misunderstanding.

Despite all the right ingredients, A Real Friend never manages to deliver the pizza. Some blood, a little violence, not enough screen time for the legends of horror… It’s as if this was all in Estrella’s head. Chalk that up to the confusing script, which hints at some big secret behind dad’s passing (never revealed, although you can probably figure it out) and who the heckaroo Vampiro really is. Maybe they should put the pineapple back on this multi-topping pizza and bake it a bit more.

Hell Has Frozen Over – Might As Well Go Skiing

While the horror of 2016 has yet to be fully realized, might as well look ahead to the upcoming (movie) horrors of 2017…

CUTE LITTLE BUGGERS (2017)
“After hostile aliens crash land on local farmland, the villagers at the summer ball get suspicious when young women start going missing. The villagers soon band together to fend off the invaders and bring peace back to the sleepy English countryside.”

Why are aliens more often than not depicted as being hostile? Just because they tend to stick sharp things in our Earth orifices for the sake of science shouldn’t be taken as a signal of ill-intent between planets. If that were the case, then we might as well declare open season on proctologists. (I’m looking in your direction, Dr. “Big Finger” Lindermund.)

HOTEL OF THE DAMNED (December 6 / VOD)
“After a near fatal car accident, and stranded in the middle of nowhere, a group of travelers find themselves in an abandoned hotel deep in the Carpathian Mountains. Their bad luck becomes a nightmare when they discover that in the cavernous remains of the hotel live a race of sub-human cannibalistic creatures.”

A hotel for cannibalistic creatures? Cool! Looked everywhere on Expedia™ and couldn’t locate one for my upcoming vacation. I did, however, find one place that hosts such sub-humans — my apartment building.

DEVIL’S DOMAIN (2017)
“Lisa Pomson is a troubled, social media-obsessed teen, conflicted with her sexuality and her parents’ misunderstanding of her. When Lisa gets secretly filmed binging, purging, and masturbating, the video goes viral; and she suffers extreme cyber-bullying. Suicidal and on the brink of insanity, a beautiful, mysterious stranger (the Devil) strikes up an online relationship with her. They grow close and meet, and the stranger offers to help in exchange for a favor: Satan will rid her of the bullies and give Lisa fame and fortune in exchange for a baby. Lisa agrees, but as the bullies die one by one, Lisa’s conscience kicks in and she regrets making the deal.”

So the Devil is online? I don’t know why this doesn’t surprise me. Then again, now that the election is done and Hell has frozen over, it makes perfect sense. (Wouldn’t it suck if you requested the Devil to friend you, and got denied? Ouch!)

REPLACE (2017)
“Young and beautiful Kira is afflicted with a strange disease where her skin ages rapidly to the point of drying out and crumbling away. When she discovers that she can replace her own skin with somebody else’s, she has to make a choice: watch her own body wither and die, or give in to temptation…whatever the price.”

A spin on The Picture of Dorian Grey (1945) and every movie starring Countess Elizabeth Bathory, who bathed in the rejuvenating broth of young, beautiful women so that she can continue looking in a mirror without breaking it. Replace begs the question — exactly how do you go about appropriating someone else’s skin for vanity purposes? I’d start by asking Texas Chain Saw Massacre’s (1974) Leatherface or those tuna-smelling, skin degloving fish people from Dagon (2001).

Same Old Saw And Dance

Apparently seven Texas Chain Saw Massacre movies simply aren’t enough, so they’re making YET ANOTHER one. Titled Leatherface and slated for a 2016 release, this one is described as a prequel and seeks to explain the formative years of the skin-wearing, power tool endorsing horror icon.

In a “gimme a freakin’ break” maneuver, Leatherface’s real name is Jackson Sawyer and they “cleverly” got the word “saw” in his name. (Good thing he tormented people with a chain saw instead of a garden hose.)

After you’re done yawning, here’s the plot: “The story chronicles the events in Jackson’s teen years, revealing how he became the infamous Leatherface. Violent teenager Jackson escapes from a mental hospital with fellow inmates Bud, Ike and Clarice. The group kidnaps nurse Lizzy in their escape. As the group flees with their captive, they are pursued by Hal Hartman, a vengeful and determined Texas Ranger.”

As this is a prequel, we already know the Texas Ranger, however vengeful and determined he is, was/is unable to get the job done. If he did, we wouldn’t have had to endure all the pointless Texas Chain Saw cash-ins.

This same prequel premise has been done with Freddy Krueger, Micheal Myers, and Norman Bates, et al, so it was only a matter of time before they did it to Leatherface. Which means you’ve already seen this movie and it hasn’t even come out yet.

Feel free to yawn some more.

Serial Killing Spuds

How the times haves changed. Just a few decades ago Jason from Friday the 13th (1980) and Freddy from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) were graphically hacking up kids with razor sharp machetes and razor-fingered gloves. Now, thank to selective pop culture standards, both Jason and Freddy are soon available a Mr. Potato Head toys. Made for kids.

Poptaters™ has announced that they will be releasing both in October 2015 and are priced at $17.99 each via Entertainment Earth.

The reason I say selective is there have been hundreds of slasher after Jason and Freddy, and none are being made into Potato Heads. This is because the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th franchises made a LOT of money over the years. Nobody cares about the Driller Killer (1979), who only did about $14 at the box office. Man, that guy was cool – but there was nothing besides his power drill that that screamed, “I, too, could be a potato!”

All of which begs the question – if we’re gonna turn pop culture serial killer psychopaths into toys, why isn’t here a Norman Bates potato head? Or a Michael Myers, Leatherface or a Hannibal Lecter potato head? I think they novelty market is really missing out by not making a comprehensive line of serial killing potato toys. And hey, you can finally hack them up for a change.

Classic ’70s Sleaze Horror

Hard to come up with a horror movie title more tantalizing than 1977’s Eaten Alive. Oh sure they tried, even by re-titling this Seventies lurid gem: Death Trap, Horror Hotel and Starlight Slaughter. Meh. Eaten Alive tells you everything you need to know.

And this is why it’s so cool Eaten Alive is being re-issued on Blu-ray™ with a metric ton of extras sometime in July, 2015. So why all this fuss over a low budget sleazy horror movie that barely made it to the drive-in big screens and was left collecting dust in VHS discount bins?

First, look who was involved with this thing: Tobe Hooper directed and did the soundtrack. You may remember him as the director from another forgotten little movie called The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974). Then there was a starring role from Caroline Jones, widely known as Morticia from The Addams Family cult TV series (1964 – 1966) playing a brothel owner. And who is that shirtless redneck hick trying to score with a hooker? None other than Freddy Krueger himself – Robert England. Marilyn Burns, who played the endlessly screaming survivor in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, stars as an unhappy wife. How can you ever be happy after being tormented by a chain saw?

Eaten Alive has it all – a war-damaged scuzzy hotel owner, some bare boobies, some gory deaths by way of a scythe, and a GIANT CROCODILE. Set in the Louisiana swamp backwoods, Judd, the hotel proprietor, has loose noodles for brains and keeps the aforementioned GIANT CROCODILE as a pet in the stink pond the hotel (more like a shack with several rooms) ’round back. Throw in a beleaguered prostitute, a feisty redneck, some guests who shouldn’t really be there and the GIANT CROCODILE that eats you alive, you have a movie that practically writes itself.

The re-issued Eaten Alive contains so many extras, it would take me away from watching my UFO stories on YouTube™ to list ’em all here. Of the plethora of bonus stuff, I’m visibly shocked they didn’t have an interview with the GIANT CROCODILE itself, reminiscing about what Freddy Krueger tastes like. Then again, it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full.