Automated Nightmares, Werewolf Flowerbed, AM/FM Evil

In the exploding world of AI (artificial intelligence) art — where you type in key words/descriptive phrases and a sentient computer does the design for you — there’s only one question: can you call yourself an artist? This would be akin to rave DJs calling themselves musicians. (I stand on the “No — you’re not” side of that debate.)

No doubt the flood of AI art — accomplished by MidJourney.com — generates mind-altering and spectacular images; You don’t need a paintbrush to become a robotic Rembrandt — just type in a few words, click a button, and put your rage into the machine. And the horror/sci-fi/fantasy crowd doing this is hitting the gas. Take for example AI artist Paul Parsons (aka, jed.ai.master), who has taken his unique visions and pushes the boundaries of what this new technology can do. And he did it without crayons, water colors, pencils or chalk, the preferred medium of today.

While you click on over to MidJourney.com and start creating your own line of virtual virtuosity, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi TV series/movies that may or may not be made by a computer. An iPhone™ maybe…

SCARE BNB: THE HOSTS / February 28, 2023 (DIVABoxOffice.tv)

“The first original, LGBTQ+ series: two couples — long-time friends since high school — are in high spirits when they arrive at a remote, rental cabin in the Tennessee woods for a much-needed vacation. But, upon their arrival, they find the overly attentive owners may want to host them to death.”

A remote cabin in the Tennessee woods? Um, that’s exactly where The Evil Dead was filmed in 1981. I’ll bet my possessed soul that it’s the same cabin, too. Wonder if those evil neighbors still live nearby? They seemed nice.

WOLF GARDEN / February 28, 2023 (VOD)

“A man who has gone into isolated hiding is haunted by visions.”

If you wanna keep wolves out of your garden, fertilize it with Nair™ and… Okay, I took the shot and missed the rim. It’s been a rough week. Maybe I should get in a little isolated hiding.

SOUND OF SILENCE / March 9, 2023 (VOD)

“When her father is gravely injured, Emma returns to her family home in Italy. Alone in the house while her father recovers, she encounters a haunted radio — and the evil entity behind it. With the supernatural force growing stronger by the hour, Emma must reveal the dark secret behind the radio’s curse to survive the night.”

I think it’d be really cool to listen to a haunted radio. Just as long as the supernatural DJ doesn’t play rap music. Smooth jazz, yes. Hip hop, hell to tha no.

THE KNOCKING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three adult siblings return to their childhood home where their parents were allegedly murdered many years ago. The plan is to get the house and estate ready to be sold but it turns out there’s something evil that tries to prevent them from doing so.”

If they find a buyer who doesn’t mind murder stains (anything can be covered up with paint), they’ll make a…killing…on the sale. I have no idea why I find that to be funny.

Pervert Ghost

An American Haunting (2005) is based on the FACTUALLY DOCUMENTED Bell Witch saga in witch, uh, which a ghost of a freshness-expired parishioner of the black arts torments a Tennessee family in 1817. Off to a good start.

The Bell family daughter is visited nightly by an unseen force that rips at her nightshirt and blankets and throws her around the room as if an empty beer can. Her screams are making it tough for anyone else to get some rest.

This goes on and on until the Bells invite a preacher over for dinner and the holy moly man sees for himself the demonic transactions. Through flashbacks we see glimpses of things that in the end add up to something worse than a ghost, who everybody believes is the totally upset spirit of a neighbor John Bell (the dad) swindled out of a land business deal. If only it was that easily explained.

Deviating from the FACTUALLY DOCUMENTED Bell Witch story, the conclusion, while steeped in the supernatural, reveals that John Bell had a hankerin’ for his nubile young daughter and made unwanted midnight visits to her room. Ugly subject matter made worse by disguising it as a ghost story.

The real Bell Witch isn’t gonna like this one bit.

The Freeze Her Freezer

In the sick but strangely affectionate Cold Storage (2006), Clive, a 40-something derelict with limited mental capacity (it’s like looking in a mirror), witnesses a brutal car wreck one night on a Tennessee country back road. The driver, a woman who just kicked her wimpy boyfriend to the curb, was ejected out of the vehicle and landed with a paralyzing thump on the road, causing brain fixins to leak out on that there pavement.

Clive takes her to his home (a shack made out of dirt) where she eventually dies. Though not very talkative, she’s still better company than Luther, the grimy and hygienically bankrupt inbred hick (it’s like looking in another mirror) who lives nearby.

Clive cares for “Rosalie” by bathing her in disinfectant (what the heck – it does the job), washing her hair (which falls out in clumps) and outfits her in a wedding dress (white – who does she thinks she’s kidding?). But summer in Tennessee is not only humid, it works its decaying magic on the stinkified corpse, attracting flies by the squadron.

While Clive needs to run into town for more supplies (disinfectant, pest strips, soup), Luther helps himself to the greasy body. If you need me to explain that, you’re either hick dumb or as disgusting as all of ’em.

Piecing together clues leads Cathy and Daric (worried sis and wimpy ex) to the Shack of Freshness Expired Love. I’ll stop right here as what you’re about to see is both cleverly staged and icky.

Speaking of, there are several big time ick moments, but it’s the one where Clive “brushes” his exceptionally rotted teeth with a straight edge razor. This is a true flinch moment and will make you run out and buy a gallon of toothpaste and some disinfectant. I hear you can get both on sale in Tennessee.