Return of the Evil Dead

The second in four installments of the Spanish Blind Dead series, Return of the Evil Dead (aka, Return of the Blind Dead, Attack of the Blind Dead, El Ataque de los Muertos Sin Ojos/1973) begins with villagers way angry that the Templar Knights (yeah, those guys again) have been sacrificing the locals and drinking their Bloodweiser™.

Rounded up to be burned alive, the head heretic vows revenge from the grave. (Wouldn’t you? I thought as much.) The villagers use their torches to burn out the knight’s eyes so they can’t find their way back to the village to revenge them in the future. Then they bury the bodies in cement crypts — in the local graveyard. Nice going, asshats; you’ve f’d your descendants in the b-hole.

Five hundred years later it’s the Roasting of the Heathens Centennial BBQ & Box Social, with the whole hamlet turning out to drink, dance and rhythmic hand clap as symbolic Templar dummies are ceremoniously torched. But wasn’t this the very same day the Knights were prophesied to return from the dead for retribution purposes? Somebody forgot to check their iCalendar™.

The celebration is a bust when the Knights show up to stab everyone in the eyes. Escape attempts are pitiful, which is suspect; The Knights move about as fast as Templar Slugs going uphill, and yet no one seems to outrun them. But wait, the church has a holy blow torch and a bottle of sacrament gasoline next to the storage room full of unused bibles. All praise makeshift weaponry.

A few bare boobies, some blood, a sliced head and arm. If anyone had read the Templar Knight instructions, all they had to do was wait until the sun came up, then those shrouded bad boys would go happily back to their graves for another 500 years. But people would rather swing torches around than use common sense when dealing with the vengeful undead.

P.S. This use of the extended noun phrase “the evil dead” predated The Evil Dead (1981) by EIGHT WHOLE YEARS! And you didn’t think you were gonna learn anything new this day.

Medieval Predator

One of the coolest things you’ll find on the Internet besides pictures of naked bare boobies (just when you think you’ve seen ’em all, a new one pops up), is a ridiculously kick-ass fan-made film that puts the Predator in the days of the Templar Knights, those guys who wear garbage cans as helmets and stab people with swords that look cool over your fireplace.

Predator: Dark Ages, made after they raised enough Middle Age fun bucks, is set during the Crusades. As the press release goes, the “faith and fighting skills of a group of Templar Knights is put to the test when they encounter the Predator. Their battle is the thing myths and legends are born from.”

One of the best fan films ever made, Predator: Dark Ages clocks in at nearly a half hour and the Predator doesn’t look dorky; They really put a lot of time, effort and your dollars into this –and it’s worth it. Click HERE to view. Then go put a garbage an on your head and rule the neighborhood.