Glow-In-The-Dark Horror, Werewolf Hockey, Witch Religion is Best

If you wanna tap into your inner kid or just goof off on company time, then the Horror Glow-In-The-Dark Coloring book (Thunder Bay Press™) is just the ticket. Illustrated by Juan Calle and Santiago Calle, for $12.03 (Internet price) you get reams of delightful horror scenes to help pass the time until you can clock out for the day. 

From Wal-Mart’s™ website: “These creepy scenes will haunt the room, casting an eerie glow on all who behold their horrors. With 90 bone-chilling illustrations to color — including 24 that glow in the dark — Horror Glow in the Dark Coloring lets you unleash your creativity unlike never before. Graveyard scenes, nightmares, and grotesque mandalas are only a few of the dark themes to be found in this book. Each page is perforated, so you can remove your finished artworks and hang them on your wall.” (buy it here)

While I order one with the full intention to color outside the lines (I live by my own rules, man), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be more scary than a coloring book…

BE MINE / February 10, 2023 (Meta Horizon Worlds/Meta Quest TV)

“The VR experience follows Becca, a college senior who’s going to throw the best Valentine’s Day party ever. There’s just one caveat: everyone invited is secretly there to help Becca catch her Valentine’s Day stalker — an anonymous maniac in a Cupid mask who kills any man that gets close to her with a bow and arrow. But this Valentine’s Day will be slightly different as everyone is ready to turn the tables on the killer that walks among them. With the help of the police, her sorority sisters and the fraternity next door, Becca and the party fight back to stop the carnage and uncover the mysterious secret behind a bloody Valentine’s Day massacre.”

A Cupid mask? Weak. Aspiring maniacs should really do more homework.

MY ANIMAL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Heather, an outcast teenage goalie, longs to play on the hockey team of her small northern town. She meets and falls in love with newcomer Jonny, an alluring but tormented figure skater. The girls’ relationship blossoms despite Heather’s struggles with her alcoholic mother, her hidden sexual orientation, and a familial curse that transforms her into a feral wolf under the full moon. Heather and Jonny’s secret tryst soon clashes against the conformity of their small community, exposing dangerous truths and igniting a passionate, violent night of personal transformation.”

A werewolf playing hockey. And we had a werewolf playing basketball in Teen Wolf (1985). Clearly, lycanthropes dig sports. Bet they’d be really good at dog-sledding.

WAIT FOR IT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Seen from the perspective of survivor girl, Darcy is living in the aftermath of her own encounter with a psycho-slasher killer. She travels home after a night out with friends, always remaining wary of the inevitable return of her tormentor.”

Great — they spoiled the movie by telling us Darcy survives. Hey douche-bags — what am I getting for Christmas?

SORCERY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Chiloé Island, 1880. After her father is murdered by a German colonist, Rosa, a 13-year-old Huilliche girl, renounces her Christian upbringing and seeks shelter with Mateo, the leader of an Indigenous organization that practices witchcraft. Under Mateo’s gruff yet tender tutelage, she learns the art of sorcery and vows to settle the score. Rosa’s vengeance leads to a brutal crackdown by the island’s Chilean Christian authorities and puts her on the path to discovering her dormant powers.”

Renouncing your pray-per-view religion is like cable-canceling your soul. There are better — and cheaper — alternatives out there, many with way more features.

Supernatural Beer, Carnival Chaos, Zombies vs. Teens

There’s a House of Mystery comic. There’s a House of Secrets comic. But did you know there’s a House of Mysterious Secrets website, that not only sells comics, but a plethora of horror-themed memorabilia, from shirts, lunch boxes and pot holders, to bottle openers, paint sets and air fresheners? Hell yep, there is.

Mind you, this is only a paragraphed summation. When you go to houseofmysterioussecrets.com website, you’ll find a veritable Wonderland of everyday items emboldened with everything from A Nightmare on Elm Street, Godzilla, Hellraiser, Universal Monsters, Elvira, Jaws, Evil Dead, Halloween and Chucky. And even that’s just scratching the itchy surface. 

On the gift list for MYSELF is An American Werewolf in London lunch box (packed with shredded British bologna sandwiches), a Teen Wolf action figure (kinda like looking at myself), the Beetlejuice Sandworm Metal Bottle Opener (to crack a bottle of Budweiser™ Juice with it), a Nosferatu Commerative Medallion Coin (to trade for more Budweiser™ Juice), a Frankenhooker wall tapestry (made of Spank Bank material), and a Return of the Living Dead air freshener, because, hey, flesh isn’t very pleasant to sniff, let along snack on.

While you spend ALL your holiday cash on all the above, here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as cool as a Jaws vaccine card holder…

THE BLACKLIGHT / Out now (VOD)

“Despite trying to leave behind a life of crime, Danny reluctantly teams with naïve rich kid Liam and wildcard drug dealer Kit Viper for a robbery that leaves them in possession of a mysterious supernatural artifact with immense power.”

A supernatural artifact with immense power. Sounds like they stole a 40 oz. bottle of Steel Reserve™.

THE CHAMBER OF TERROR / December 1, 2022 (VOD)

“Nash Caruthers is on a deadly collision course with the people that tore his world apart…along with something unexpected. Something far more sinister.”

The “Chamber of Terror” in this movie is a dilapidated carnival attraction. So where do I buy a ticket to ride it? Better yet, I’ll just get a Dizzy Pass™ and make fun happen.

NIGHT OF THE COMET / December 1, 2022 (Shudder™)

A huge comet passes near the Earth, nearly vaporizing the whole planet. Only a few teenagers, who were inside a steel movie projection booth, survive — all those outside were turned to dust. But a few partially exposed people are now hideous bloodthirsty zombies — and they begin a deadly hunt for the last remaining humans.”

Only teenagers survive. I feel sorry for the zombies.

FEAR / January 27, 2023 (Theaters)

“A group of friends gather for a much-needed weekend getaway at a remote and historic hotel. Celebration turns into terror as one by one, each guest faces their own worst fear.”

The guests at a fancy pants hotel faces their worst fears. What could that be — no room service? No minibar in their executive suite? No mint on their Pacific Coast Hotel TRIA Down & Feather Pillows™? Life must be a living Hell for them.

Aliens and Werewolves

Some new horror offerings, in case your daily recommended allowance of horror has not been met by watching the evening news.

First up is Area 51, in production since 2009 and just now hitting VOD and is YET ANOTHER one of those flippin’ annoying hand-held camera jobs. In this Area 51 (not to be confused with 2011’s Area 51 Confidential), as a class project several conspiracy theorists break into the legendary military base out in the Nevada desert said to house a junk yard of broken down UFOs and even an alien body or two. Or six.

Here’s the official rundown: “In 2009, three friends travel to the infamous Area 51 in order to uncover its secrets. They infiltrate the base using freon filled body suits in order to mask their body temperature. Once inside, the group discovers incredible technologies before finding themselves running for their lives from an unknown force.”

The “unknown force” probably has more to do with farting inside their body suits and not being able to escape the ensuing terror. AVClub.com’s review, though, says it all about Area 51: “A few fun and creepy effects shots, nothing that happens here couldn’t be surmised from simply reading the film’s title. What we really get is a complete failure of imagination.” Ouch.

If probing for government secrets or being probed by aliens isn’t your cup of beer, then you might be up for Uncaged (2015), a new werewolf movie that mixes found footage with trad-style filming.

Plot: “After several nights of waking up in the woods, a troubled teen straps a camera to himself to document how he’s getting there, only to find some things are better left a mystery.”

So a teen wolf doing selfies. I’m intrigued, though a werewolf running around with a GoPro™ strapped to his fuzzy head seems highly improbable. With all that wolfing around, you’d think the camera would fall off.

“Something’s lookin’ for food – and it found us…” Great line in Dark Was The Night, arriving in theaters on July 24, 2015. An ancient curse, a small town out in the trees, and stat worthy body counts.

Synopsis: “Maiden Woods is a remote and quiet town of decent, hard-working people, but something stirs in the dark woods surrounding this isolated community. After a logging company decimates an area of the forest, a rash of increasingly violent and unexplainable events transpires. Sheriff Paul Shields and his deputy struggle to confront their own personal demons while facing down a new breed of raw terror that is possibly older than humanity itself…and much hungrier.”

Is the monster a werewolf? Bigfoot? A hillbilly with abundant facial hair? Probably all three. Better be if they want my movie coupons.