Archive for Ted Nugent

Queen Kong: Jungle Skank

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Queen Kong

If you feel life is not precious then go ahead and waste an hour and a half of it watching Queen Kong (1976). Yeah, something that dumb can only be a comedy spoof. If only it were funny. But I’ll tell you whose laughing – the attorneys for King Kong, who got this thing tied to a sacrificial altar due to copyright squeezings brought on by King Kong (1976)/King Kong Lives (1986) producer Dino De Laurentiis. How do you them bananas?

Queen Kong

While it only got limited release Italy and Germany, Queen Kong is so painfully painful, it’s doubtful Queen Kong would’ve had an impact on her male counterpart. They took the story and flipped genders, with the strangle-worthy British lead male in the role of Ray Fay (groan) being sacrificed to Queen Kong, who falls in love with the twit and let’s her affection get her caught and imported to London to wiggle her chain-linked boobs for profit.

Queen Kong

If the effects, which are anything but special, have you throwing fruit at your TV (it’s not your magic viewing box’s fault), the acting – mostly hot chicks in bikinis – and the dialogue that induces reverse-eating. Example: The supermodel tribe leader chick only speaks in jungle-ese and says stuff like “Unga bunga, wanga banga.” Sounds like a Ted Nugent song.

Queen Kong

Even with QK battling a giant paper mache dinosaur, it’s the sissy boy Ray Fay whose arrogant preening makes you wanna see a giant primate step on him. Endless shrieking and bragging, this idiot looks like one of the Herman’s Hermits and says stuff like, “You can’t eat me! I’m Jewish! I’m Irish! I’m black! I’m a leper! I’m a Jewish black Irish leper!” The death penalty would be too lenient.

Pluses: Dozens of hot chicks in bikinis. Minuses: The rest of the movie.

Queen Kong

Iron Mike Bison

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 24, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The White Buffalo

In the late 1800s, James Otis – also known by his Christian name as Wild Bill Hickok – has syphilis, and it’s starting to make his brain go as wacky as his wiener. Crazy Horse, the famous Indian with a name right up there with Geronimo, is also in this old western horror fun fest.

The White Buffalo

Seems a giant, marauding white buffalo has been causing tent-wrecking migraines for everyone. So Wild ’n Crazy are called in to track, evaluate and eventually dispatch the hooved earthquake.

The White Buffalo

Crazy Horse wants the glory so he can retain his cool name (they don’t just give it to you – you gotta earn it) and skin the protein-packed beast for its hide, which he then wants to wrap his dead child in and send off to Paradise. (For me Paradise would be a tavern with working bathrooms).

The White Buffalo

Hickok wants to kill Mr. Buffalo because he thinks that’ll stop his dreams from being all nightmare-y. (He didn’t know about unchecked tool rot and its effects on the upper and lower noodle.)

The White Buffalo

While Hickok should be looking for a drugstore instead of giant bison, his dreams get weirder and more intense, almost as if he tried Jager Floats™ for the first time. The final confrontation where the buffalo charges out of the woods and comes straight at him is what Ted Nugent’s dreams are made of. Mine as well.

The White Buffalo

The scenes of the beast running through the snow-buried woods at night, making steam from both ends and doing cool honking sounds, only serves to validate the The White Buffalo’s (1977) rental fee. I don’t give a crap if the buffalo did look like an overstuffed carnival toy – I should’ve stolen this movie.

The White Buffalo