Archive for tavern

Fear of Zombies, Ghosts, Haunted Houses and Refrigerators

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fear of the Walking Dead

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think I saw the Babadook again in the bathroom at the Maha (a local bar I hang out in). Given that the men’s room is basically a portal to Hell, I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t the Babadook, it’s probably some sort of Pee Demon from the Seven Layers of Urine Splattered Purgatory.

While I complain to the management, here are some upcoming horror and/or sci-fi to help loosen your bladder…

FEAR OF THE WALKING DEAD SEASON 3 (June 3, 2017)
“The families will be brought together in the vibrant and violent ecotone of the U.S.-Mexico border. International lines done away with following the world’s end, the characters must attempt to rebuild not only society, but family as well.”

Abandoned this one right after season one. Was unable to get into the extremely obnoxious characters and situations. That sounds like an oxymoron given the bars I frequent. That, and bar zombies are far more scarier than the ones in FWD. So, will I pick it up again and give it another chance, or will I keep making pithy, low brow comments on it? I think we all know the answer here.

Blood Drive

BLOOD DRIVE (June 14, 2017)
Los Angeles in the near future: where water is as scarce as oil and climate change keeps the temperature at a cool 115 degrees in the shade. It’s a place where crime is so rampant that only the worst violence is punished and where Arthur Bailey — the city’s last good cop — runs afoul of the dirtiest and meanest underground car rally in the world, Blood Drive. The master of ceremonies is a vaudevillian nightmare, the drivers are homicidal deviants, and the cars run on human blood.”

Cars that run on blood has been done before with 2007’s Blood Car. The rest of this plot snacks liberally on 1975’s Death Race 2000 and GTA. So why should anyone watch Blood Drive? I’m thinkin’ for driving tips.

Hush

HUSH (2017/2018)
“Siblings Jackson and Angela run a profitable ghost-busting racket, swindling the bereaved with fake detection equipment and Angela’s paranormal ‘visions’. Hired by Mrs. Green to investigate a haunted old foster home, the team uncover its terrifying past: young girls brutally slaughtered, mouths stitched shut, silenced by a sadistic killer. And Angela’s on the edge — sleepless, strung out and losing her mind, no longer certain what’s actually real and convinced she hears the girls crying out to her from the darkness. But supernatural terrors are the least of their problems when they discover the very real evil lurking in the isolated house.”

Paranormal ghostbusters are fake? All of a sudden I’m feeling very stupid for the $1,000 I paid out to a ghost specialist to exorcise my refrigerator that keeps making noises in the night. Sure, it could be a failing cooling unit, but why take chances? Now that I think about it, I could have easily bought a new fridge and had enough change left over to buy some frozen hot dogs (or “ballpark franks”) for future eating purposes.

The Prey

THE PREY (2017/2018)
“A platoon of U.S. Soldiers in the middle east become trapped in a cave and as they desperately try to find a way out they are hunted down by a deadly creature.”

Ooh, I hope the creature isn’t one of those nasty sand beavers. I hear those things are nasty.

The Haunting on Long Island: The Amityville Murders

THE HAUNTING ON LONG ISLAND: THE AMITYVILLE MURDERS (2018)
“On the night of November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. took a high-powered rifle and murdered his entire family as they slept. At his trial, DeFeo claimed that “voices” in the house commanded him to kill. Thirteen months later, the Lutz family bought the house and stayed only 28 days before fleeing in terror. Their nightmarish ordeal shocked the world in The Amityville Horror. The Lutzes may have escaped from Amityville with their lives…but the DeFeo’s weren’t so lucky. This is their story.”

Unreal. YET ANOTHER Amityville movie. That makes seven in the last year alone and 20 altogether. Don’t believe me? Click HERE. People, It’s just a tragic real story milked to the bone by Hollywood. I, on the other hand, have a better haunted plot ready to go, written with plenty of angles for sequels. It begins with a possessed refrigerator…

Vampires and Heaving Bosoms

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

The J.C. Penny™ catalog handsome Captain Kronos, former military man in 18th Century England and his hunchback assistant Professor Hieronymus Grost (only in England would they name somebody “Hieronymus”), hunt and kill vampires. Why? Because vampires suck. (Heh.) Actually, it’s because Kornos’ mom and sister were converted into the undead and he was forced to make them all the way dead. Thus seals his fate.

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

K and H’s travels lead them to a small village plagued by a black-shrounded vampire that doesn’t suck blood, but rather the entire youth right out of young lasses with heaving bosoms. (Side note: the Professor explains that there are many species of vampires, each requiring a different methodology to kill them. Where a stake through the heart might stop one vamp, it’s merely a painful horsefly bite to another. Harshness abounds.)

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

Along the way Capt. K frees a stunningly gorgeous peasant girl from the stockade. She rewards him by taking her clothes off and the such. Now the vampire hunting team has a new member. OK, that didn’t come out right.

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

Enter the vain and self-priveleged Durward family – deathbed mom, poofy son and narcissistic daughter – all of whom are the obvious suspects behind the sucking. Mom, whose face looks like wet plaster, lays in bed and just…won’t…die, while her kids spend all their time looking in mirrors. Their dad, a legendary undefeated swordsman, is buried nearby. Captain Kronos is an undefeated swordsman as well, though not as yet buried. Factor in vampire lore and can see where this ultimately ends up.

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

Several nice twists sets up the baring of fangs (in addition to boobies) and the clashing of sabers. Not terribly gory or even amped up with teeth-to-neck action, Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter (1974) nevertheless, has it’s charms, mostly due to the gorgeous peasant girl. Her scenes alone are worth some private time. Ahem. But you’ll get a right jolly chortle (British word for LOL) out of the tavern scene with a Kronos pitted against drunk bullies who tease the Professor’s condition. You don’t need to be a hunchback to know how it ends. Suffice to say, it was totally brill. (British word for LMAO. Or “awesome.” Works either way.)