Archive for Switzerland

Happy Alien Day, Dinosaurs vs. Criminals, Rock Mom

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 26, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Day

Today (Thursday, April 26, 2018) is Alien Day. And yes, it’s a globally recognized religious holiday. Traditional gifts include blurry photographs, night trips to Uranus, watches that stop for hours at a time and unearthly implants.

HR Giger Museum Bar

I’m sure you have a lot of themed activities planned, like going to the YMCA and getting probed in the locker room, inviting fellow abductees over to watch E.T. the Extraterrestrial (1982) and LOLing at that turd-shaped toilet plunger alien, or even stopping by the Museum HR Giger Bar in Château St. Germain, Gruyères, Switzerland (fashioned in part to honor of the late Giger’s Alien concept art) to slug down a few Romulan Ales while trying to score with “female” lifeforms.

Area 51

I’m headed for Area 51 and taking a few UFOs out for a test spin. It’s important to test drive a few before laying down the big bucks. FYI: Keep the extras like GPS but lose the LoJack™ — the government’s gonna steal it anyway, so why bleed the weasel?

E.T. the Extraterrestrial

Don’t forget to “phone home” if you party a little too much with your space brothers. Here are  few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to help you forget tomorrow exactly what happened on your Uranus. (Don’t worry; it’ll all come back to vividly haunt you on Facebook™)…

The Jurassic Games

THE JURASSIC GAMES (June 12, 2018/VOD | July 3, 2018/DVD)
“The film imagines a world set in the near future wherein ten Death Row convicts are chosen to compete in The Jurassic Games, the ultimate virtual reality game show that pits its players against dinosaurs and each other. However, there is a catch; if you die in the virtual game, you also die in reality. As the devious Host continues adding improbable challenges, the characters will find the odds stacked against them as only one victor can emerge as winner and reclaim their freedom.”

The TRUE Hunger Games — heh. So criminals versus dinosaurs. My money’s on the dinosaurs. 

Venom

VENOM (October 5 (2018)
“One of Marvel’s most enigmatic, complex and badass characters comes to the big screen, starring Academy Award nominated actor Tom Hardy as the lethal protector, Venom.”

Venom

Glad they re-serviced the key art. The first one looked like Mothman horked up a Rorschach test.

Embryo

EMBRYO (2018)
Kevin and his girlfriend Evelyn, while camping out in the woods in the Chile countryside, are abducted and Evelyn is impregnated by otherworldly beings. As the entity inside her begins to grow at a rapid rate, Evelyn discovers that the cravings she’s experiencing can only be satiated by the taste of human flesh and blood. When she attacks a doctor, Kevin decides not to hand her over to the authorities, but to go on the run and try to get to big city where they can find help to remove the thing that’s slowly taking over Evelyn’s body.”

Creature feature unsafe sex knocker-uppers aren’t new. A few off the top of the ‘ol untouched condom display rack: The Mole People (1956), Day the World Ended (1956), The Alligator People (1959), Alien (1979), Humanoids From The Deep (1980), The Beast Within (1982), Inseminoid (1981), The Fly (1986), The Terror Within (1989)… I could go on for another nine months. Then there’s the reverse impregnation sci-fi romance tale that is Species (1995). Unfortunately, for you, there is no such thing as a “movie after” pill.

Hollow Body

HOLLOW BODY (2018)
“A struggling rock band led by Jimmy Kleen makes a deal with Rick Roland, a shady record executive. Things take a dark turn when the band’s lead singer Rachel Swann and her controlling stage mother, are struck by lightning and killed. Rachel comes back to life, now possessed by the spirit of her dead mother and with strange electrical powers she can’t control. Both personalities struggle for dominance of her body while the band begins to take off. Rachel’s bandmate discovers the dark secret behind the band’s success: Rachel is using her electrical powers to kill men and drain them of their electricity, transmuting it into electrifying performances. He and Jimmy must decide if they will stop her or if the high cost of success is a price they are willing to pay.”

Sounds like Shocker (1989) with guitars. For another struck-by-lighting-and-becomes-electricity “accidents”, look no further than Supergirl’s not-BFF, Livewire on the hit CW hit TV series. Say what you will about her being bonkers and able to throw electricity around like parade candy, she could re-charge your cell phone in, like, one second. That’s pretty neat.

Curse of the Unseen Ultimate Evil Ghost

Posted in Asian Horror, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Wailing

How come Hollywood isn’t paying me to post all this e-barfing about their horror movies? It’s at least worth minimum wage. And would it kill them to throw in a few paid personal days off? Don’t tell me they can’t afford it; I’ve seen movie stars wearing clean clothes all the time, so somebody’s making big cake.

Anyway, five new ones THAT I’M NOT GETTING PAID TO ADVERTISE. Pffft.

THE WAILING (November 25, 2016)
“Out of his depth, local police officer Jong-goo investigates a spate of killings, as well as an outbreak of madness seemingly connected to the recent arrival of a mysterious Japanese man who resides in the outskirts of the village. What’s more, he’s horrified to discover his young daughter may have fallen under the stranger’s curse and must confront the ultimate evil.”

The ultimate evil. Pffft. That line is used in almost every lazily-written horror movie press release. You don’t know what the ultimate evil is until you’ve been in the men’s bathroom at the Maharajah in West Seattle. To say it’s a portal to Hell is being complimentary. The sink faucets should be dispensing holy water.

Beacon Point

BEACON POINT 92017)
“Zoe joins a small group of inexperienced hikers for an adventure of a lifetime, exploring the Appalachian Trail. After a gruesome discovery they become lost deep in the mountains. The adventure spins out of control when they’re terrorized at their campsite by an unseen force.”

My gut tells me the “unseen force” is either an invisible bear or that stupid Blair Witch. Pffft – she’s about as scary as a stylishly-camouflaged Bigfoot.

Plotergeist Encounters

POLTERGEIST ENCOUNTERS (2017)
“A questionable group of paranormal investigators with their own web series receive the offer of a lifetime: stay one night in a potentially haunted house for a large sum of money. What could possibly go wrong?”

Pffft – That scenario’s been used since 1959’s House on Haunted Hill. For an excellent “spend the night in a haunted house” movie (in addition to HoHH), give The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966) some earnest couch time. A modern grindhouse classic.

The Terrible Two

THE TERRIBLE TWO (2017)
Albert and Rose Poe approach the first anniversary of the death of their daughters, Addi and Jade. As the day comes and goes, Rose continues to struggle to come to grips with the loss of her only children. She begins hearing the girls’ voices throughout the house. Soon Albert and Rose find themselves prisoners of their precious little girls in the safety of their own home.”

Did they just give away the plot? Thanks for nothing, lazy press release writer. Pffft – it’s probably the ultimate evil masquerading as the little girls.

A Cure For Wellness

A CURE FOR WELLNESS (February 17, 2017)
“An ambitious young executive is sent to retrieve his company’s CEO from a mysterious ‘wellness center’ at a remote location in the Swiss Alps. He soon suspects that the spa’s miraculous treatments are not what they seem. When he begins to unravel its terrifying secrets he finds himself diagnosed with the same curious illness that keeps all the guests here longing for the cure.”

Pffft – what secret? Clearly, the miraculous treatment is booze.

P.S. Pffft.

Bigfoot vs. Zombies

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 26, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bigfoot vs. Zombies

Bigfoot vs. Zombies (releasing February 23, 2016) seems so obvious, and yet it took this long to pair ’em up in an epic showdown worthy of a pay-per-view.

Bigfoot War

Not so fast – this concept was preconceived by Abandoned Cinema back in 2010 as Bigfoot vs. The Zombies. It was also optioned by maligned German horror/sci-fi director Uwe Boll in 2014 as Bigfoots vs. Zombies. And it’s a theme in Eric S. Brown’s Bigfoot War book series, specifically Bigfoot War: Outbreak (2013). Of course I know all of this. Me ’n BF are BFFs.

Bigfoot vs. Zombies

So how did Bigfoot get dragged into battling the undead when he’s been like Switzerland in the ongoing zombie conflict? Thank science. They created the “toxic cocktail” that leaked into the local population’s water supply (public mud puddles, YMCA bathtubs, gas station restrooms), thereby creating flesh-eating zombies. (Note: The didn’t say anything about fur-eating zombies. Maybe the undead don’t like hair in their food like the rest of us.)

Bigfoot vs. Zombies

So Bigfoot, tired of all this zombie nonsense that keeps interrupting his nature walks, steps in and starts swingin’. My money’s on B. All of this potentially leaves the door wide open for a sequel that has Bigfoot turning into a zombie. They should call it World War B. (That’s now intellectual property, by the way.)

Monster Clash

Mutant Snow

Posted in Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Glacier (The Station)

Blood Glacier. Sounds like a medical condition.

Doctor “Big Finger” Lindermund: “Mr. Gilbert, your lab results are in and they came back positive – you have…Blood Glacier.”

Me: “No big – a chili cheese grande burrito will melt that sucker out.”

Rite-Aid™ and Taco Bell™ – they have all my bases covered.

Blood Glacier (The Station)

Blood Glacier (The Station), a chilling (because it’s in the Alps) horror sci-fi thriller diller, arrives in the States on May 2, 2014. Apparently, the movie’s been bumming around Europe for a while now. Like I care about anything outside my zip code. But hey, I’ll give it a spin, mostly because the plot borrows heavily from a half-dozen other horror movies. If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it. Here’s the overly familiar scenario…

Blood Glacier (The Station)

“At a climate research station in the Alps, scientists are stunned as the nearby melting glacier is leaking a red liquid. It quickly turns to be very special juice – with unexpected genetic effects on the local wildlife.”

Sounds like they opened A Taco Bell™ in Switzerland.