Archive for submarine

Sharks and Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien

A few amazing Alien movie posters created by designer David Graham, the guy behind those crazy wicked Meg (giant shark) key art. (I hope they use those art pieces for the final product — whenever if gets here — as they are pant-fillingly awesome.

Quick synopsis of the movies represented:

Alien

In Alien (1979), a guy goes to eat some space eggs, one hatches and a creature squirts out and affixes itself to the man’s facial face, goes down the hungry astronaut’s throat, where it grows to the point of the man throwing it up out of his chest. The bug later grows to pro basketball player size and dribbles acid all over the spaceship Nostromo and its crew. It doesn’t end well for anybody, to say nothing of putting you off on space eggs for breakfast. (Space toast remains a neutral breakfast choice.)

Meg

In Meg (in production as of right this minute), the world’s biggest shark (think submarine with gills) comes up from the bottom of the ocean to eat boats (crunchy), people (soft, but loud) and the military (like warheads are gonna stop a shark the size of a couple of buses Evel Knievel could jump over.) Now that I think about it, if he were alive, Evel Knievel would have made a fortune jumping his motorcycle over a giant stuntman eating shark in the greatest PPV of all time.

I would pay hard to see that.

Pools of Horror, Zombie Submarines, Misshapen Monsters

Posted in Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 31, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

12 Feet Deep

Just watched Unacknowledged (2017), that amazing documentary on the disclosure cover-up of UFOS and the technology they bring to the conspiracy dinner table. Did you know the government has known about UFOs since the late ’40s and that they won’t publicly admit it? if I was an alien, I’d be hot around the lunar collar that I went to all that trouble to come here, just to be associated with that whole “fake news” hoopla. So much for cordial relations with our space brothers.

Speaking of hoopla, here are a few new horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be fake…

12 FEET DEEP (June 20, 2017/VOD)
“Sisters Bree and Jonna get trapped beneath the fiberglass cover of an Olympic sized public pool after it closes for the holiday weekend. They find themselves at the mercy of the night janitor, Clara, who sees the trapped sisters as an opportunity to solve a few problems of her own.”

This one was originally titled The Deep End. I think a porn movie already locked up that one. The plot is just a reworking of 2010’s Frozen, wherein two guys and a gal get stuck halfway up the mountain on a ski lift that just closed for the weekend. Which begs the question — would you rather freeze to death or be trapped in a public pool that also serves as a all-inclusive toilet for the less discreet among us? Think I’d take my chances on becoming a human popsicle.

Dark Beacon

DARK BEACON (2017)
Amy Wilcock loves the married Beth Gadbsy with a fierce and tragic passion. When Beth’s distraught husband Christian dies in an emotional intervention, the now widow disappears with her daughter Maya into secret seclusion. Amy eventually tracks Beth down to a distant lighthouse only to find her broken and maddened in the midst of an alcoholic abyss. But that is not all she finds. They shockingly discover that the spirit of Beth’s spurned husband will not rest until he takes the surviving trio with him. Can Amy save them all from the spiral of madness and the crazed and hell-bent supernatural threat?”

First thought — waaaay too much plot getting in the way of a simple ghost story. For a really fun/funny (it was meant to be serious, but I didn’t interpret it as such) back-from-the-dead lighthouse/beach movie, give 1960s’ Tormented a spin. In that one a jazz musician “accidentally” kills his side trim (jazz term for “groupie”) by “letting” her fall from a lighthouse. She, of course, comes back from the dead, headless and yelling her head off, “Tom Howard killed me!” Those could be good lyrics for a snappy dance number if Tom would just roll with it.

Operation Ragnarok

OPERATION RAGNAROK (2017)
“In a town in southern Sweden, tensions between the locals and immigrants grow. Meanwhile, a submarine carrying a strange plague enters the town. The crew infects police officers out to investigate and a full-blooded outbreak begins. The town is isolated by the Swedish army, but the survivors inside, immigrants and locals alike, must band together against the infected.”

This one was originally titled Zon 261. I don’t know what a Zon is. As for the plague aboard the submarine, you sure it just isn’t a case of jock itch gone wild shared by guys stuck underwater for weeks on end with no windows to air out the place?

The Blob

THE BLOB (2018)
“When a band of miners uncover something hidden deep beneath the earth they unwittingly unleash a hideous creature beyond imagination. Now the townsfolk must fightback, before it destroys everything.”

A remake of a remake of a sequel of a cool 1958 horror movie starring a young Steve McQueen. Really glad back then they made the blob a reddish brown (and growing more red as it consumes screaming citizens). If I saw a big brown blob headed down the street, I’d totally cover my nose and reach for a case of Febreze™ because it could be that King Kong just dropped one heckuva steamer.

Monsters = Monster Money

Posted in Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Loch Ness Monster

My secretary (me) came across an AFP article posted 4/13/16 (today if you’re reading this today) that a marine robot deployed in the Scotland’s Loch Ness has found the remains of a monster, but that it turned out to be a prop from a movie shot in 1970.

Loch Ness Monster

This DOES NOT mean the Loch Ness Monster isn’t still patrolling the Loch for tourist dollars. (VisitScotland.com estimates the revenue generated by tourists hoping to catch a glimpse of “Nessie” at £60 million ($76 million euros/ $85 million fins a year. Ask members of Scotland’s Chamber of Commerce if they believe Nessie is real, and they’ll show you their bank balance.)

Loch Ness Monster

The marine robot belongs to the Norwegian offshore oil company Kongsberg Maritime, who is mapping the depths of the Loch (775 feet deep – big enough for a hundred Loch Ness Monsters) in a project named “Operation Groundtruth.” Good branding – they should be able to prove Nessie’s existance with a name like that.

Loch Ness Monster

“Although it is the shape of Nessie, it is not the remains of the monster that has mystified the world for 80 years,” Scottish tourism agency VisitScotland, which is backing the project. “The blurry object with a long neck was a 30-foot long model of the monster made for the film The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes, directed by Billy Wilder. It is thought the model sank after its humps were removed (the buoyancy was in the humps) never to be seen again. The monster was actually a submarine in the film.”

Loch Ness Monster

That’s pretty dang cool. But Nessie – the REAL one – is cooler. If only the marine robot could get a pic of Nessie together with its movie stunt stand-in.

Ache on the Lake

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 11, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Freshwater

Even though Freshwater, YET ANOTHER giant crocodile movie, waved its flag around back in 2014, its one-line description sent my red flag waving: “A new take on the classic story of a group of twenty-something kids’ weekend of terror at the lake house.”

It’s always a “new take on a classic story. It’s always a group of twenty-something kids. And it always ends up being the same flippin’ movie we’ve seen over and over every since 1999’s Lake Placid, a surprise hit at the box office, which set off a stampede of giant crocodile/alligator movies.

Freshwater

So here’s the plot: “Lake Charles in Louisiana is the idyllic spot to catch some sun and enjoy the tranquil miles of freshwater. When a group of 20-somethings meet up at their island lake house for a weekend of partying, one of the friends never shows up. As more lake visitors are yanked underwater by what seems to be some giant alligators, the screams bring the group out of the lake house. Frantically discovering their boat has drifted away, they have to watch helplessly as more of their friends are pulled under the water. Will anyone get off the island alive, in one piece? Something more sinister seems to be at play.”

Freshwater

They’re hinting at the “something else” thing, even though the set-up is similar to Lake Placid. Could it be that the crocodile in question pure white instead of the preferred cruddy green? Could it be its a baby crocodile and that its mom is, like, a submarine with teeth? Or could it be the darn thing was put there by someone with vested real estate interests in Lake Charles? We’ll know soon enough.

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda

In the meantime, you can always cringe watch Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (2015), with the cute kicker line: “Crocs on the dock. Snakes in the lake.” This one pits genetically altered beasts against not only each other, but using an entire girls sorority in genetically altered bikinis as snacks.

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda

Three-Dimensional Shark

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 11, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jaws 3-D

A 35-foot Great White shark gets caught in Sea World, an all-people-you-can eat theme park. This is where admission paying citizens come to swim, water-ski and pee now that everyone has lost their, um, appetite for swimming in the ocean. (See Jaws and Jaws II).

Jaws 3-D

Once the rogue chomper has been outed, a big game diver goes in to kill it. The shark swallows him whole and chews on him like seal jerky—and they show this from the inside of the shark’s mouth looking out! You don’t see that every day. (I do because I bought the DVD. Hey, it was only $1.99 at the gas station still in its original wrapper.)

Jaws 3-D

Where Jaws 3-D (1983) further belly-ups is with the appearance of Mama Jaws, a submarine-sized shark that’s looking for her little lost torso-biter. Filmed in 3-D didn’t help matters much and only made the sharks look even more rubber-esque and thus by extension not cool.

Jaws 3-D

The original title for this wet willie was the best thing going for it: “Jaws 3, People 0.”

Submerisble Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Below

Below (2002) is a haunted submarine story loaded with underwater speak. For instance, “Tall grass outside” means big waves on the surface. “Brillo pad” means there’s a woman on board. (Heh.) And “Make a hole” is more or less self-explanatory, especially if the vessel is the U.S.S. Pillow Biter.

Below

That said, all this authentic dialogue makes the horror of a WWII submarine being hunted by Germans above with depth charges and grappling hooks, and sailors dying in freakish accidents while being hunted by a ghost below makes all that more gratifying.

Below

It’s when the sub incurs substantial damage that the crew begin to suspect their submersible war tube is haunted. Eerie voices are heard coming out of portholes. And when you look in the mirror your reflection doesn’t quite reflect your motion. That is so messed up, especially if you’re trying to shave.

Below

The freak accidents have the crew on edge as the new captain slowly starts to sink into madness. A supermodel nurse slowly pieces together the skin-crawling truth, adding more creepiness to this above average spooker. In all a very floatable horror flick, but couldn’t they have at least wrote in a cameo for Aquaman? He could’ve supplied his own bubbles.

Death Denied – But Not For Long

Posted in Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 31, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Final Destination 3

The filmmakers lost sight of what made their first two Death-comes-calling Final Destination movies so kick ass and turned this franchise into an assembly line of “yeah, what ev” deaths.

Final Destination 3

In Final Destination 3 (2006) there’s no story to speak of and the killings just aren’t that cool. (Example: Two topless teen chicks roast to well done in a sun-tanning bed. When does that not happen on a daily basis?) Attempting to piece together clues as to how and why Death is coming for them, a guy and his girl go through the motions to try and stop the chain of events that will inevitably lead to their expiration dates.

Final Destination 3 Two sorta cool things: The DVD comes with a feature that allows you to “choose their fate,” meaning you have the power to save their lives. I kept choosing “die,” so I don’t know what happens when you hit the “don’t die” button.

Final Destination 3

The alternate ending is much better than anything the movie has to offer and echoes the original FD, but with a train instead of a plane. While I might have gone with a submarine loaded with Mentos™ and Cherry Coke™ heading for a busy intersection with malfunctioning stop lights, I’m down with the choo choo.