Archive for Stephen Baldwin

This Snake Takes The Cake

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snakeman

Snakeman (aka, The Snake King) came out in 2005 on the SyFy™ Channel and starred/stars Stephen Baldwin, who always looks like he’s striking a pose in front of a mirror only he can see.

Snakeman

So I watched the Hindu dubbed version of Snakeman on YouTube™. (It was titled Anakonda vs. Kink Kong. There was no Kink Kong, but the snake did eat a kinky monkey, so there you go.) It’s so poorly overdubbed that when someone shoots at the seven-headed giant snake (located in the heart of the steamy Amazon (jungle, not the one-stop shopping place on the Internet with free delivery if you have a Prime™ account), you don’t hear the rifle blasts for a few seconds later. For some reason I found that to be quite entertaining.

Snakeman

Baldwin plays Matt Ford (had to look that up as I don’t quite grasp the nuances of Hindi linguistics), a helicopter pilot who leads a team of researchers deep into the snake-filled Amazon by way of crashing said helicopter. The group includes Dr. Susan Elters, who looks like a Canadian version of Kim Basinger. Most everybody is eventually swallowed whole by the snake, which is the size of a regular snake times one million. Again, quite entertaining.

Snakeman

So why was everybody gooning out in the jungle in the first place? Seems the Fountain of Youth might be there (it is) and everyone wants to get their unwashed hands on it. Meanwhile, warring natives (I call them “Junglonians”) throw spears and shoot arrows at everyone. Most the time they miss their target, but hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Snakeman

A rival helicopter shows up and a bunch of gunners try to get the youth juice for their own science profits. This is where the best scene happens. The meanest of the para-military guys is grabbed by both legs and arms by the snake and is handily (sorry) turned into a screaming torso. The biggest snake noggin leans down and nips the head off the still screaming guy as if snacking on M&Ms, where it melts in its mouth, not in its glands.

Watch the Hindu dubbed version of Snakeman, because sometimes understanding the dialogue just isn’t that important to the plot.

Harping On Horror

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Harpies

A washed-up NY cop is having a bad day. His wife wants a divorce. The police force won’t let him shoot people anymore. And his job as a security guard at a museum is about as interesting as the science behind why paint dries.

Harpies

Some well-prepared thugs break in to crack the new exhibit containing a mystical egg jewel that when hooked up to a gold amulet opens a portal to the time of the Harpies (972 AD, when chicks didn’t shave their legs or under their arms).

Harpies

W.U.C. (Washed Up Cop) intervenes but gets sucked back in time, where he regards his time travel as an every day occurrence. It’s there he encounters the days of yore and winged nag creatures that are so poorly special effected, they wouldn’t even be allowed in a video game – from 1980.

Harpies

To call Harpies (2007) a crappy movie is to be overly complimentary. Up closed the creatures look like crack whores, and Stephen Baldwin as the “hero” pitifully tries to echo Bruce Campbell’s character in Army of Darkness (1992), but falls so short as to be embarrassing to his mom and even his neighbors.