Undead Ale, God Powers, Drug Bugs

Just when you think drinking couldn’t get any more fun, Zombeer™, brewed in Russia, is bottled with uniquely clever packaging: a three-layered sticker label that, when scratched, creates a whole new design with alternate zombies. As the sales sheet instructs, “Tear your human casing apart leave human worries behind and become a zombie.” Awesomely awesome. But if I’m drinking beer, that means I already left my human worries behind.

From brewery’s press release: “Zombeer™ is brewed by small Moscow brewery Solod™ in the Belgian style and has a high density and strength. Enjoy a complex taste of malt sweetness with a hint of caramel, chocolate and dried fruits. Fermented in a bottle.” The irony here is, when you drink beer, YOU become fermented.

While I wait for a case of it to be shipped to me (only set me back 34376.07 Rubles), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you feel like scratching your face off…

ISLAND / Out now (Amazon Prime™)

“Evil took its first step to destroy the world. On the mysterious Jeju Island, the gateway to this, Van is a mix of human and monster. Won Mi-ho is the center of fate. And Johan is exercises God’s power. The all come together in this strange, yet captivating, action-packed exorcism fantasy, in which they fight evil, sharing the fate of saving the world — and to defy their own.”

Hard top pick which super power I’d want. Since I’m already a mix tape of human and monster, it’d be cool to be the center of fate, if only to wield as a bar trick. Having God’s power means you get to live in the sky and make people give you money in order to worship you. And you wouldn’t even need a Stargate to get around town. I’ll go with that one.  

BIRDEMIC 3: SEA EAGLE / January 24, 2023 (VOD)

“When global warming triggers chaos along the Northern California coast, two scientific researchers will discover tender romance, appalling CGI, automatic weapons, and attacks by sea eagles that could lead to the extinction of life on Earth.”

There is no place for romance in a world under attack by sea eagles using their beaks of doom to cause global extinction. Quit being love birds and let the grisly gulls bestow an epic party fowl on humanity.

WOMAN OF THE PHOTOGRAPHS / February 7, 2023 (VOD)

“Kai, a solitary and skilled digital photographer, begins a twisted romance with a model suffering from body dysmorphia and obsessed with appearing perfect in her photos.”

Dysmorphia is defined as having mental disorder characterized by the “obsessive idea that some aspect of one’s own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it.” No wonder women buy so much makeup.

SWALLOWED / February 14, 2023 (VOD)

“After a drug run goes bad, two friends must survive a nightmarish ordeal of drugs, bugs and horrific intimacy in this backwoods body-horror thriller.”

Just say no to bugs.

Countdown to Godzilla

As I’ve been e-blathering all over this blog-o-rama, Godzilla: Resurgence – a top-to-bottom, brand spanking new Godzilla movie – is coming out mere days from now, which would put it at July 29, 2016.

Released in Japan only, it’ll take a few hours for it to get stateside by way of illegal digital bootleg, then legally in theaters months after that. Screw both of those delivery systems – I plan on using Stargate Lyft to travel to Japan, watch the movie, drink several gallons of Sapporo™, then arrive back in my apartment just in time to use the can. (Note to self: set Stargate to high – that last “running late” trip to the bathroom was almost a deal breaker on several levels.)

What can be seen in these new screenshots is that Godzilla gets all purple at one point. (I’ve done that – not easy.) Then we see him getting a face full of military artillery, which he pretty much eats like potato chips. And you wonder why he keeps f’ing stuff up. Being shot in the mug shot all the time wouldn’t make you an ambassador of goodwill, either.

The effects look pretty cool, with Japan getting the tempura stomped out of it YET AGAIN. Actually, it could be any city and I’d still be a happy emoji. Regardless, I’m drunk with giddiness (okay, maybe just drunk) at the impending new big screen release of my favorite movie monster of all time. (Sorry Gamera; you had your chance, but your movies keep getting delayed. Like Stargate.)

Aliens Taking A Crop

In the time waster Silent Warnings (2003), a nutbag survivalist in Oregon gets himself blown up real good while chasing aliens invading his remote farm.

So his cousin, just now graduating from college, rounds up five friends (three of which are supermodels) to clean up the inherited property, sell it, then probably buy drugs with which to get high.

These city hippies discover crop circles all over the farm’s cornfields and notice that everything is starting to smell electrical. Then there are the nightly visitations, abductions, then ultimately a confrontation with the aliens who are using crop circles as a means of transportation. A sort of Old McDonald Stargate, if you happen to be partially standing in a spot where the circles suddenly appear, you’re vertically cut in half, as illustrated with the Cuisinart-ing of one post-grad student.

By the time the sheriff arrives, everybody’s screaming and shooting at the aliens, neither of which are doing any good. Somebody figures out that iron is the only thing that’ll kill the spacey farmjackers. Once again, metal saves the day.

The aliens are digitally transposed into scenes and look like 1980s cartoon figures. I offered to put on an alien suit to scare the smug outta those thugs, but the movie’s producer said aliens don’t have beer guts. How the hell does he know? He ever been to Mars? I have. In fact I’m going there as soon as I gas up the ’ol Stargate.