Archive for Star Trek

Future Sharks and Penguins

Posted in Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Immortal

The future as represented in Immortal (2004) shows our cities in big time disrepair, a few flying cars, doors that open and shut by themselves like they did/do on Star Trek, and a whole bunch of Eugenics running around. Eugenics (altered humans) is just a fancy way of saying, “Made by Tupperware™.” They come in all sizes and shapes, but none of them are topless, except that Egyptian cat-face chick. Nice future genetics, but she needs a shave.

Immortal

Over the city hovers a giant pyramid. Within the pyramid are gods. One of those gods is Horus, one of mankind’s creators. Horus (naked and having the head of a hawk) is being put to death because he’s shown a weakness for human flesh. (Geez, how am I still here?)

ImmortalThe plan is to mate with woman and leave behind a progeny who will someday avenge him. The god has non-consensual sex with some punk rock chick with anger issues. She doesn’t like that. But it takes a few times at bat before he’s guaranteed a rug rat. Hold the space phone — something is after her and the god: a mutated, slimy red hammerhead shark that can swim on walls.

Immortal

Then there are the penguins that walk across the snow and slowly turn into humanoid life-forms, but discover they can’t waddle through the electric fence. Then there’s the blue bath water that permanently stains human flesh. And this is to say nothing about the hovercrafts that look like anti-gravity versions of my car, complete with rust, three-year-old gum in the glove compartment, expired tabs and windshield wipers that defy logic.

ImmortalThe Eugenics are computer-generated (I know, an oxymoron) and Immortal’s plot a little tough to keep up with. But there’s techno-boobs, interplanetary sexings, wall sharks, artificial snow penguins and detergent-resistant staining. Why is the future taking so long to get here?

All About Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Recovered Spacecraft

Was reading Listverse.com’s 10 Claims of Recovered Extraterrestrial Craft and was visibly shocked to see they didn’t include the UFO that was “parked” (half on the sidewalk, half in the fire lane) out behind The Poggie Tavern in my neighborhood. While it didn’t make headlines, the event nevertheless had more than a few witnesses. One claimed the unidentifiable craft was shiny and metallic, like a spaceship, but with windshield wipers.

Airstream Camper Car

Oh sure, they’ll give props to The Paradise Valley Incident Arizona, 1947 (#10) and The Kalahari Incident South Africa, 1989 (#8). But no love — or even an honorable mention — given for The Poggie Tavern Incident West Seattle, 2017.

Alien Parking

Thus, today’s theme for just released on VOD alien movies and documentaries, some of which may or may not make your Top 10…

Alien Implant: The Hunted Must Become The Hunted

ALIEN IMPLANT: THE HUNTED MUST BECOME THE HUNTER (available now)
“A brilliant female recluse sends a distress signal into outer space from a remote location, however it’s not a distress signal, it’s an ingenious trap designed to exact revenge on the extraterrestrials who abducted her as a child.”

Clunky title, but clever plot. Kinda implausible, though. Since all aliens look alike, how will this gal know she’s cappin’ the ass of the exact spacemen who forcibly babysat her? Maybe she should look around for aliens driving space vans offering candy to kids.

Alien Vs. Zombies

ALIEN VS. ZOMBIES (available now)
“An alien travels over galaxies to fulfill a lifelong dream of visiting Earth, only to discover that the planet has been overrun by a zombie plague, caused by a mysterious virus. Now he must team up with a small band of human survivors to save what is left of our world, while fighting off a bounty hunter from his home planet, who wants him to return home a crime he did not commit.”

The alien’s lifelong dream was to visit Earth? Given their propensity for probing, I’m surprised vacation alien didn’t want to go to Uranus.

The Alienators

THE ALIENATORS (available now)
“Two amateur ufologists investigate a woman’s claim that aliens are watching her. Two weeks later, she disappears under mysterious circumstances. During a missing persons investigation, confiscated footage leaks onto the Internet, receiving over 2,000,000 hits in just three hours before the authorities take it down. But many who saw the footage say it contained the most compelling and terrifying evidence of alien existence ever captured. This is that footage, compiled and released by The Civilian Department of Ufology, a privately owned UFO research and investigation organization.”

Love the kicker line for this: “The Most Documented Alien Abduction Case In F*cking History.” Gonna have to put this on my couch time watch list as the idea of two drunk UFO amateurs documenting proof of alien visitation is highly relatable to me for some reason. Ahem.

UFOs: The Best Evidence Ever Caught On Tape

UFOS: THE BEST EVIDENCE EVER CAUGHT ON TAPE — EXPANDED AND UPDATED DIRECTORS CUT (available now)
The Award Winning Fox Television Special, now including new shocking never before seen UFO footage. Shot by amateurs and professional alike, videos of extraordinary objects in the sky offer fantastic evidence of Alien activity now engaging the Planet Earth. This Expanded and Updated Director’s Cut includes the best UFO video ever caught on tape from the U.S. Government and Homeland Security.”

These kinds of documentaries crack me up as they always bring in someone from Star Trek to narrate, as if to give the topic more credibility. Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Jonathan Frakes (aka, Commander William T. Riker) lends his authoritative vocal cords to this one. Worf, the renounced citizenship Klingon on Next Generation, did one as well (Where Are All The UFOs?/1996). But the best comes from James Doohan (aka, Starship Engineer “Scotty”), who not only narrates all the UFO footage, they put him in UFOs: Above And Beyond (1997). And he really threw himself into the project by making intense facial expressions reinforced by his insistent tone. Aliens never had a better advocate.

P.S. This one originally came out in 2000. Glad to see someone still wants to believe.

Super Cars, Rocket Scientists, Evil Elves

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Justice League

More key art designs for the upcoming Justice League movie (November 17, 2017), this time side profile mug shots of everybody except Superman. I guess they don’t want to give away the fact that Super Dude is coming back from the dead for this one. (He died at the end of 2016’s Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice after tripping on his cape and falling in front of a more powerful locomotive. Tragic.)

Justice LeagueAs expected, the first wave of cross merchandising in advance of the highly anticipated Justice League movie starring Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash and Cyborg rolls in with action figures and, quite neato, Hot Wheels™ character die-cast cars. (Crossing fingers for Justice League tissue holders.)

Justice League

While the first series of Justice League cars came out in 2012 for $20.00, the new JL Hot Wheels™ cars (releasing November 1, 2017) are the same price, but are cooler. For instance, the Batman car uses echo location instead of GPS. The Superman car is immune to fender benders. The Aquaman car runs on clam nectar. The Flash car comes with its own speeding tickets. The Cyborg car’s real name is KITT (If you’re old enough, you’ll get that joke.) And if you try and look under the hood of the Wonder Woman car, you get a slap on the face.

Justice League

While we wait for these affordable choking hazards, here are a few horror/sci-fi movies and documentaries that don’t even have their logos on lunch boxes…

Chasing Flying Saucers: The Stanton Friedman Story

CHASING FLYING SAUCERS — THE STANTON FRIEDMAN STORY (available now)
“Are flying saucers real? For the past 40 years, Stanton Friedman has been the world’s foremost investigator and lecturer on the UFO phenomenon. He is credited with breaking the famous Roswell UFO case and is a leading expert on the procurement of government UFO documents. This is his story.”

Stanton Friedman’s been my go-to UFO guy for years. For one thing, he’s a former rocket scientist (but makes more bling on the fringe speaking circuit). Secondly, the guy seriously does his research and comes to the table with a stacked deck of facts, the first being that UFOs are real and that we’ve been Air BnB’d by extraterrestrials. Friedman should know; he’s the guy who pulled the pants down on that whole Roswell conspiracy. This isn’t a movie, but anyone wanting to make a UFO flick should watch this. And those who already have made UFO movies, watch Chasing Flying Saucers and go back and re-do everything from scratch.

Beyond The Trek

BEYOND THE TREK (available now)
“A deep space mining vessel has been adrift for two years. It is suspected the crew brutally killed each other, but the reason for the bloodbath is unknown. A rescue crew is sent to find if there are any survivors, what happened and why, but what they discover might make them destroy themselves and the world.”

A Wal-Mart™ version of Star Trek Beyond (2016). So much so, they even patterned their characters after our favorite team of galaxy exploring/laser shooting pioneers — Space Bonanza.

Buckout Road

BUCKOUT ROAD (October 7, 2017/International Black Film Festival)
Buckout Road might be known as the most haunted road in New York State, but nobody really believed it…until now. A college class project on modern mythology turns deadly when a trio of students discovers a series of horrific urban legends surrounding Buckout Road may actually be true. The deeper they dig into the road’s dark, mysterious history, the more dangerous their quest becomes. From witches burning at the stake, to backwoods albino killers, to a modern, unstoppable stalker.”

Gotta be careful with saying this title at box socials, just like “Shiitake” mushrooms and “shih tzu” dogs. (I’m still trying to live down “coccyx”.) As for a “modern, unstoppable stalker, what does that mean — someone who relentlessly follows you around all the time? If that’s the case, then my mailman qualifies.

The Elf

THE ELF (November 7, 2017 (VOD)/December 5, 2017 (DVD)
“Nick is haunted by night terrors stemming from a tragic murder he saw when he was young. After inheriting an old toy shop, Nick discovers a cursed elf doll sealed inside an ancient chest with a naughty list of his family’s names written on it. He soon discovers that the elf was an evil conduit meant to unleash a supernatural killing spree during the Christmas holidays by whoever set it free.”

Christmas horror certainly isn’t in short supply this season, what with Better Watch Out and Red Christmas leading the charge. Last year was pretty good, too, as Krampus (the anti-Santa) was unwrapping skin left and right. And in A Christmas Horror Story (2015), the elves were zombies. I deem that cool. Thought this might be the year of rabid reindeer, but I’ll just have to put that one on my Christmas list for next year.

Sex Meat Addict

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mad Cowgirl

A sexy brunette (who looks like Julia Roberts’ little sister) is a meat inspector who doesn’t just examine shiny, store-bought hamburgers. This gal craves pant steak. She’s obsessed with a sex-addicted televangelist (played by Star Trek’s Chekov) and has sexy results with him. (One of the funnier moments comes when she’s knocking phasers with a guy who looks like Sulu while watching Chekov on TV.)

Mad Cowgirl

In-between mattress moshing and packing meat, the gal watches her favorite kung-fu show, The Girl With The Thunderbolt Kick. As destiny would have it, her brother — who runs a meat processing plant — has been selling tainted beef. This is not divulged to the sister, to whom he’s been giving the tube steak on a weekly basis. (He probably just forgot to mention it.)

Mad Cowgirl

So he infects her and her brain starts to do a buttsteak in a grinder. When she goes to the doctor, he speaks to her in Indian and she can totally understand him and responds…in English. He gives her a bunch of pills and then hits on her. Ick.

Mad Cowgirl

When she goes to church to confess her wrongness (“I had sexual intercourse 30 times…last week”), the priest tells her she’s committed mortal sins, but because her brain is broken, it comes out in a strange dialect, telling her to kill the Ten Tigers From Kwangtung (not real animals, metaphoric ones, i.e., everyone she’s been deeply romantic with in the past seven days). She does this with kung-fu moves, a flying guillotine (which makes for e-z decapitations), and some sort of sharp kitchen tools.

Mad Cowgirl

At this point if you’re lost as to the actual plot of Mad Cowgirl (2006), just let it happen; I couldn’t figure it out, either — and I totally eat steaks and watch kung-fu movies all the time.

Lunar Living Dead

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Plaguers

Of course I believe that the six supermodels rescued from the U.S.S. Diane were hijacked by astro-pirates who killed the entire crew except them. Wouldn’t you?

Plaguers

Answering the distress call, the fuel transport ship Pandora picks up the silver platform boot-wearing hotties dressed in clothes picked up for cheap at a Star Trek rummage sale. No sooner than they’re on board before they reveal themselves as being the pirates. Dang them all to heck.

Plaguers

But what the pirates don’t know is that the Pandora is carrying a green glowing marble the size of a soccer ball called “Thanatos” (way dumb), a virus entity, which when cracked, leaks out Simple Green™ and turns whomsoever into flesh-gulping space zombies.

Plaguers

One by one, the crew fall prey to those infected and do nothing but chase everyone around for the rest of the movie. (I swear the zombies knew the camera was on them because one even stops to strike a pose.) While the zombies in Plaguers (2008) look somewhat decent (demon mouths, oil breath, open sores), I dare you not to LOL when two chicks fist fight each other. I haven’t seen that kind of wimpy b*tch slapping since I got into it with a stubborn twist top.

Super Fly

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Fly

As remakes go, 1986’s re-imagineering of The Fly (the original came out in 1958) ranks as one of sci-fi’s all time best. And not just because I said so. Ask the internet.

The Fly

Seth Brundle, scientist, invents a teleportation pod that can zap objects from one place to the other, just like the Transporter™ in Star Trek, but with more steam and wires.

The Fly

His first attempt to transport a baboon leaves him with a big inside-out monkey mess to clean up. His new girlfriend, who teaches him the ways of the flesh, inspires him to reprogram the machine to successfully deliver a biological life-form from the living room into, say, the kitchen for some celebratory snacks.

The Fly

Seth transports himself at the same time a housefly decides to give its wings a rest inside the mix master machine. The result is a sticky man-fly creature that is one of contemporary horror/sci-fi’s greatest experiments-gone-oops.

The Fly

Seth’s slow, exquisite, flesh-dripping transformation into a six-foot fly is something you’ll want to try yourself. In fact, I’m doing it as we speak. So from this point on refer to me as Super Fly.