Archive for Squirrels

Earth-First Zombies

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Severed – Forest of the Dead

Severed – Forest of the Dead (2005) purports to answer the age-old question: if hippies in the woods are being eaten by zombies, would they make a sound? The answer is, of course, hell yeah!

Severed – Forest of the Dead

In a bid to make trees grow faster so they can be cut down more often (thereby generating fun bucks for the corporation that’s harvesting old growth forest sticks), scientists inject ’em with a bio-chemical growth hormone. (I think my doctor is one of these guys.)

Severed – Forest of the Dead

But like any science experiment with breakable test tubes, you gotta have drama. Enter a bunch of tree-hugging, bean sucking, Earth-firsters trying to block the lumberjacks with highly-efficient signs and “bummer, dude” rhetoric. Yeah, right; like a hippie is gonna stop a top of the line MS 880 Stihl Magnum™ Chainsaw. With his face, maybe.

Severed – Forest of the Dead

To thwart the loggers the insubordinate slackers spike the trees so that when the chainsaw hits it, the “solves all problems” machine breaks. Only this time the saw kicks back and slices into the shoulder of a logger who was simply doing the forest a favor by cutting down a tree that more than likely had two dozen poisonous squirrels living amongst its branches.

Severed – Forest of the Dead

The tree sap, mutated by the chemical, gets into the man’s bloodstream and turns him into a flesh-eater in less time than it takes to say, “Timber, muthaf*ckas!” He bites another guy, who then bites another. You can see where this is going.

Severed – Forest of the Dead

It’s here where one of the best scenes happens: hippies, earlier chaining themselves to trees marked for cutting, can’t get loose and are screaming their stink faces off as the zombies come crawlin’. You couldn’t save the trees, so how you gonna save yourself, b*tch? Man, nothin’ beats the sound of screaming hippies (heard as often as I drive on the sidewalk).

In the end, thankfully, it’s a full plate undead smörgåsbord. Someone finally found a way to make hippies cool – turn ’em into zombies! How groovy is that?

Nutty Horror

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on August 27, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Squirrels

Squirrels have been referred to as rats with good PR. That’s dang funny. I’ve since paraphrased in order to impress the high society crowds I hang out with by employing lines like, “I say dear fellow, waffles are merely pancakes with good PR.” Top drawer stuff. Always gets a laugh.

Squirrels are in the Top 10 of all time cute animals that you just want to rub against your face and give ’em adorable names like “Mr. Fuzz,” “Chip Monk,” and “Destroyah.” In truth, though, squirrels, the latest animal to be made a horror villain, are four-legged toilets brushes that can infect you with foamy rabies with one well-place nibble.

Squirrels

Scheduled for release in 2014 and based on a 30-second concept by producer Timur Bekmambetov (Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter/2012), the blandly titled Squirrels finds our furry forest friend wreaking utter havoc. Hence…

“When a young man’s estranged father is killed under suspicious circumstances, he returns home for the first time in years to get to the bottom of the mystery. Hoping to uncover some logical explanation, he instead finds his mom’s sleazy new boyfriend, a natural gas company buying up the town, an angry female sheriff who happens to be his ex-girlfriend, and an army of flesh-eating squirrels hellbent on destroying everything in their path due to an erosion of their food chain as a result of environmental destruction by the gas company.”

Blood Waffles

Flesh-eating squirrels. Kinda rolls right off the tongue. I bet these squirrels would eat your tongue. If they didn’t, then the movie wouldn’t have a whole lot of appeal. Yeah, the whole thing sounds pretty dang dumb. I’d rather see a movie about acid syrup-spraying waffles that punch square holes in you. And the movie could be made in Belgium. And cities under siege by these lethal breakfast monsters call on butter companies to combat… Yeah, pretty dumb as well. I really thought I was on to something there for a sec.

And then the beer wore off.