Archive for Spring Break

More Slashers, More Serial Killers, More Maniacs

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pacific Rim: Uprising

Some advance key art for Pacific Rim: Uprising, the sequel to Pacific Rim (2013), which pay-per-viewed skyscraper-sized, human-controlled robots against skyscraper-sized, non-human monsters from another dimension that had a revolving door at the bottom of the ocean. PR: Uprising stomps through theaters March 23, 2018.

Pacific Rim: Uprising

As for what we can expect, more and bigger skyscraper-sized, human-controlled robots against skyscraper-sized, non-human monsters from another dimension. Not a bad thing, I should think. While we impatiently await the weapons of mass entertainment, here are a few horror movies that may or may not be from this alternate universe…

Crazy Lake

CRAZY LAKE (available now)
“A group of coeds looking for fun on spring break have their beach plans canceled and opt for Plan B – fun at a cabin on the lake. Sometimes Plan B can be a real killer!”

This couldn’t be more limp as undercooked bacon. Ironically, it sounds like the coeds will be sliced like bacon. We can only hope.

Lake Alice

LAKE ALICE (available now)
“The Thomas’ travel to their lakeside cabin in the woods for a joyous Christmas celebration with their daughter and her new boyfriend, but the joy is short-lived and the body count is high.”

There’s a real Lake Alice here in Washington, about a machete throw off the Interstate. Fishing opportunities include catchable-size Rainbow Trout stocked in the spring, with Largemouth Bass and Sunfish also present. The public access has parking, a boat ramp and vault toilets. No slashers, though. Sorry.

Cabin 28

CABIN 28 (available now)
“The shocking true story based on the most infamous unsolved murder case in American history. On April 11th 1981, Sue Sharp and her family are enjoying their stay at Cabin 28 in the peaceful holiday resort of Keddie. But a day of fun at the remote getaway turns into a heart stopping nightmare as nightfall brings masked strangers to the cabin. A brutal battle for survival leaves several members of the family dead and one missing. An extensive police investigation follows but no one is convicted of the crime. Now, over thirty years later, Cabin 28 finally gives up its deadly secret.”

Geez, they give away the entire plot in the press release. So we get to see a family slaughtered by slaughterers wearing clown masks. Not seeing a deadly secret here. That, and I’m really burnt out on clowns — circus, rodeo or bar drunks.

Tarnation

TARNATION (November 24, 2017/MonsterFest screening)
“When Oscar’s dreams of becoming a rock star are brutally crushed and her boyfriend leaves, Oscar travels to a ghost town called Tarnation where she and a group of friends have rented a cabin in the woods for a weekend away. Unfortunately the cabin is host to a cursed painting and the surrounding woods are literally, Satan’s playground. Oscar soon finds herself battling a demon unicorn, possessed souls and Satan himself in an epic battle for her soul.”

The plot is weak as wet toilet paper, but the demon unicorn is kinda neat. That’s right up there with a wiccan penguin, mad cow and/or a schizophrenic monkey butler. Last thought: If she goes to a ghost town, how is it she and her soon-to-be expired friends able to rent a cabin? Couldn’t you just, like, stay there for free? Sure, no concierge or mini-bar. But hey, the price is right.

Extreme Aliens, Extreme Demons, Extreme Tacos

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Quiet Hour

Uncovered a whole steaming pile of obscure, indie Bigfoot movies, the goal being to watch every single one of ‘em. Hope they don’t make BF out to be a killer of campers, roasting their flesh on a stick over a roaring outdoor fire. Oh wait…

While you’re waiting for me to profile ‘em, here’s some upcoming horror to help pass the time…

THE QUIET HOUR (March 21, 2017)
“Sarah must protect her blind brother and farm. Meanwhile, aliens are harvesting the planet for resources. When a mysterious soldier comes to her door, she must decide if she can let him in or not. Is he another bandit? With few survivors to turn to, Sarah must make a difficult choice to ensure her family’s survival.”

So exactly what are Earth’s resources aliens are always coming here to harvest? I’m guessing our bit coins, tacos and Internet porn. Extraterrestrials could easily do that without infringing on our taco/porn civil rights.

Raised By Wolves

RAISED BY WOLVES (March 28, 2017)
“When a group of extreme skaters go searching for an empty pool rumored to be behind an abandoned house in the barren desert, they learn they should not have ignored the rumors that the house is haunted by a demonic presence and a dark history of occultism. What follows is a terrifying tale of evil possession causing the friends to slowly turn against each other.”

So extreme skaters go up against extreme evil. Sounds incredibly dumb. This, coming from a guy who watches stuff like Shark Exorcist (2015).

Blood Feast

BLOOD FEAST (April 28, 2017 / Limited)
Fuad Ramses and his family have moved from the United States to France, where they run an American diner. Since business is not going too well, Fuad also works night shifts in a museum of ancient Egyptian culture. During these long, lonely nights he is repeatedly drawn to a statue representing the seductive ancient goddess, Ishtar. He becomes more and more allured by the goddess as she speaks to him in visions. Eventually he succumbs to her deadly charms.

After this pivotal night, Fuad begins a new life, in which murder and cannibalism become his daily bread. He starts to prepare a ritual FEAST to honor his new mistress, a lavish affair dripping with BLOOD, organs, and intestines of human victims. As butchered bodies are heaped upon the Altar of Ishtar, Fuad slowly slips further into madness, until he is no more than the goddess’s puppet; and she thirsts for the blood of Fuad’s wife and daughter, too.”

Early reviews are calling this remake “Nothing so appalling in the annals of horror since the original…” Sounds like last call at The Poggie Tavern. Gory beyond the standards of the time, Blood Feast (1963) was the first splatter movie and broke hard ground in explicit gore and goosh, raising the bar on pretty much all the graphic horror that’s since followed. That’s probably significant in some form or fashion.

Death Ward 13

DEATH WARD 13 (2018)
“It’s 1973 and the Stephens Sanitarium for the Criminally Insane prepares to shut down permanently. Days before closing, four beautiful nursing students arrive to care for the last handful of ‘harmless’ mental patients in a suspiciously understaffed ward.”

“Confronted by their violent charges, the nurses soon realize that they are trapped inside the asylum with a deadly crew of vicious lunatics. Each patient has their own perverse identity, their own personal demons and their own violent agenda. Pushed to the brink of insanity, the young nurses find themselves in a gruesome fight for survival inside Ward 13.”

Four Spring Break-grade young nurses vs. vicious lunatics. I’m in. This, coming from a guy who just re-watched The Disco Exorcist (2011).

Yelling About Hell

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jeruzalem

Full of themselves and/or self-righteousness, bible believers tell (i.e., violently scream from street corners) that there are three gates to Hell, alternate entrances in case the line to get in is too long. One is in the desert (lots of free parking), one is in the ocean (charter a boat and get in a little fishing while you’re at it) and one is in Jerusalem, famous religious tourist trap and home of all things worship-y.

JeruZalem, a new found footage horror movie releasing January 22, 2016, takes us there for a little “end of days” judgment, with violent screaming from street corners, divine bloodletting and zombie angels, hence the “Z”, a not-so-subtle cash-in on that other religion.

Jeruzalem

Here’s your penance: “Two American girls on vacation follow a mysterious anthropology student on a trip to Jerusalem. The party is cut short when the trio is caught in the middle of a biblical apocalypse. Trapped between the ancient walls of the holy city, they must find a way out as the fury of Hell is unleashed upon them.”

Couple of thoughts: Jerusalem/JeruZalem, or “Jesus Spring Break,” with all its biblical background, doesn’t seem like a go-to party place. (A dancing foot does not belong on a praying knee.)

Jeruzalem

Secondly, as this is a found footage flick (and after watching the trailer), there’s always one person who keeps the camera rolling no matter what demonic entity is eating your friend’s face. That alone makes you wanna thump their bible.

On that note, I’m a non-believer in camera batteries that never run out of juice. That film keeps rolling after hours and hours when my cell phone conks out after only one hour on 1-800-Boobie-Chat seems so blasphemous. Maybe the movie batteries are made by…DuraHell™. (C’mon, that was comedy gold…)

Slasher Pancakes

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lumberjack Man

“This camp sits on the sinkhole of Hell..”

That’s pretty funny. I would’ve said “stinkhole,” but hey, what do I know about Hell other than living it every day of my life. (I said days, not nights. That’s a different blog posting.)

But funny is how the filmmakers behind the horror comedy Lumberjack Man (releasing October 16, 2015) want you to react. And after viewing the trailer, I concur. Here’s why…

Lumberjack Man

“As the staff of Good Friends Church Camp prepares for a spring break filled with Fun Under the Son, a demon logger rises from his sap boiler to wreak his vengeance and feast on flapjacks soaked in the blood of his victims…”

Lumberjack Man

Flapjacks – I guess that’s what you call pancakes if they’re made outdoors. That this demon logger pours blood on ’em instead of artificial maple syrup purchased from a established grocery outlet, is probably another regional thing.

Lumberjack Man

Regardless, this tongue-in-cheek homage to ’80s slashers is pretty funny and bubbling with flapjackin’ slappin’ dialogue, bouncing babes, blood, gunk, and other stuff not meant for the breakfast table. The dinner table? That’s a whole other blog.

Sex Monsters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of Something Strange

Sexually transmitted diseases seem to be making a comeback in horror movies lately (Contracted, Contracted: Phase II, It Follows), and look to replace science/space virus recipes normally used to make zombies. About time that old hat got an upgrade. But the message is clear: get a boner, become a donor.

The aforementioned crotch cooties gone wild are at the root of Night of Something Strange (2015), in which five teenage friends set out for the beach on their Spring Break vacation.

Night of Something Strange

While it seems to be a contemporary spin on The Evil Dead (1981), the gory story goes like this: “Good times are cut short when one of the group, Carrie, contracts a deadly sexual transmitted disease during a bathroom stop. When they stop for the night at an isolated motel, the real terror begins when the STD virus starts running rampant, turning those infected into the living dead. However, there’s more going on at the motel than meets the eye.”

Night of Something Strange

Contracts a deadly sexual transmitted disease during a bathroom stop? Super ick! What is it with young people these days that the urge to merge is so powerful that they seek out the nearest super ick-infested gas station bathroom to get momentarily romantic in?

Night of Somethign Strange

Back in sensibly horny days, a vacationing neighbor’s garage was a veritable Chateau Marmont. The smell of old gas-y lawn mowers and half-used cans of fragrant paint brings back a few puberty party memories.

My next door neighbors knew me too well, though, and set up guard dogs, snipers and booby traps around their property when they left town. Took me three weeks to dig a tunnel.

Pant-less Alien

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 9, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Encounter

When was the last time you were abducted by aliens? For me, it’s often, In fact, they’re running a bit late today. Wish they’d at least text me so I’m not just sitting around waiting.

Not sure if people get abducted in the upcoming alien invasion movie Encounter (due 2015). But a flying saucer (or “UFO”) crashes into a rural lake and an extraterrestrial with backward bent legs (think space grasshopper) comes out making noises like an empty stomach. And get this…he’s not wearing pants! (Maybe it’s on Spring Break.)

Encounter

Anyway, here’s what they have plotted: “In a quiet community outside of Washington, DC, a pair of tech-savvy roommates discover a hidden signal within our nations data and security systems. As the pair try to locate the source, strange happenings begin to occur throughout the neighborhood and the unsuspecting citizens discover something is stalking them.”

“As the truth of the unknown is revealed, they find themselves face to face with a chilling encounter.”

Ugh. Whoever wrote the promo copy needs to be probed by an English teacher.

Nature Eats You – And Likes It

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Crocodile

A recipe for fun: a handful of obnoxious teens on Spring Break, alcohol, and a houseboat on a lake that harbors a PMS-ing, super-sized crocodile. Seems the croc’s eggs have been made into omelets by some local hicks, thereby fanning the flames of her discontent.

Crocodile

One of the teens finds an unbroken egg and sticks it up the backpack of a hot chick who won’t take her clothes off. Everywhere she goes, so goeth the croc (whose name is Flat Dog, according to local legend). The beast itself is computer generated and isn’t altogether menacing. Its breath, however, is another story. It also pulls a Free Willy and jumps (!) over a boat. Then it turns around and eats half the pleasure craft, along with the motor, occupants, and life-saving devices. Yum.

Crocodile

Predictably, several teens get chomped upon (graphically enough to warrant a quick rewind); but no one gets naked, no one has sex, and everybody runs around b*tching and screaming like they were in the Blair Witch Project (1999).

Crocodile

The best scene has the croc gulping down a teen whole, then throwing him up later – intact and unscathed, save for a bunch of crocodile stomach goop all over his face and skateboarder street wear.

Crocodile’s (2000) tally: passable gore, toothless special effects, painful acting. Final score: gator 8 (or “ate” – heh), viewer 0.