Rock ‘N Roll Halloween, 50% Alien, Terrible Giants

KISS is one of most popular and successful rock bands in the world. You may have heard of them. KISS (Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley, Peter Criss) has sold over 100 million records and are regarded as one of the most influential music artists of all time. Don’t think so? How many people have you seen sporting Bob Dylan tattoos?

To commemorate this Halloween season, KISS — kings of the nigh time world AND kings of merchandising — have come out with a Halloween spin on their classic t-shirts and hoodies: “All Hallow’s Eve,” “Rock And Roll Demons,” “Zombies of the Night,” “Rock And Roll Hell,” “Kiss-O-Lantern,” “Searching For The Darkness,” and “Creatures of the Deep.” You can obtain them HERE for a scary $30.00 per shirt and $65.00 per hoodie.

So while we go to a dermatologist to get our Bob Dylan tattoo removed, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a tramp stamp…

BITCH ASS / October 14, 2022 (VOD)

“A gang initiation goes wrong when a group of four recruits break into a house of horror — and they’re all forced to play deadly games for their lives. Win and you live — lose and you die.”

I liked this better when it was called Saw II (2005).

THE LAIR / October 28, 2022 (Theaters, Digital, VOD)

“Sgt. Tom Hook as he is tasked with leading a unit to find Lt. Kate Sinclair after the Royal Air Force fighter pilot was shot down in Afghanistan. Pursued by insurgents, Sinclair has sought shelter in an abandoned bunker where she unwittingly releases the Ravagers – a half human-half alien man-made biological weapon. Hook and his team, accompanied by a handful of British SAS troops, must save Sinclair from insurgents and the Ravagers before they overrun the area and threaten the entire world.”

Half alien/half human. Kinda makes you wonder — which half would work best…alien top/human bottom or human top/alien bottom? Advantage #1: You could scare the conspiracy out of people with an alien top, and have a lot of fun flashing your human bottom on buses. Advantage #2: You could scare the bus pass out of people with a human top, and have a lot of fun baring your alien bottom on…Uranus. (Sorry — seriously unable to control myself.)

EVIL DEAD RISE / April 21, 2023

“In the fifth Evil Dead film, a road-weary Beth pays an overdue visit to her older sister Ellie, who is raising three kids on her own in a cramped L.A. apartment. The sisters’ reunion is cut short by the discovery of a mysterious book deep in the bowels of Ellie’s building, giving rise to flesh-possessing demons, and thrusting Beth into a primal battle for survival as she is faced with the most nightmarish version of motherhood imaginable.”

A new Evil Dead movie? Did I just wake up at Disneyland™, the happiest place on Earth? Just like waiting in line to ride Disney’s Splash Mountain™, it’s gonna be a while before we get to revisit evil. Unlike the line to ride Splash Mountain™, Evil Dead Rise will be worth the wait.

LEIO: THE TERRIBLE GIANT / Pending release US 2023

“A once-famous singer who returns to his hometown and takes part in a water field drilling contest, hoping to win a large cash prize. But what they do not realize is that a mysterious beast lurks underground.”

Leio was released in the summer of 2022 in Thailand and is now getting a US makeover. Just wondering out loud why they call him the “terrible giant”? He seems nice.

Sculpted Monsters, Devil’s Food, Undead Nazi Airbnb

As the countdown clock has begun for Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019), talk around the grocery store (condiments aisle) is that King Ghidorah, one of G’s most formidable foes, will somehow be involved in an epic fracas that will no doubt end up with garbage cans being tipped over and flower gardens thoughtlessly trampled on. The implications are staggering.

On the eve of what looks to be the biggest Godzilla movie of all time and space, comes an incredible art piece of King Ghidorah reimagined as Shin Ghidorah from crazy talented 3D sculptor/artist, Dope Pope. (And no, “Shin” does not refer to KG’s legs.)

You can buy this must-have illustration online. While you’re salivating, take a look at Dope Pope’s other otherworldly 3D illustrations: everything from Godzilla and Mutos, to Gigan and the Cloverfield Monster. (DP designs monsters for video games and Jesus. Kidding — no word on whether Dope Pope has even met Godzilla’s son, Jesuszilla.)

Before you put your bus change into an envelope and mail it to Dope Pope, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as dope as the Pope…

THE DEVIL’S RESTAURANT (available now)
“A struggling restaurant manager makes a deal with the Devil, who lures endless patrons to his flailing restaurant, but in return the manager must feed the guests to a demon who lurks in the basement. Business is booming, and the reviews are glowing, that is until an unwitting waiter stumbles into the basement.”

Order the filet of soul — I hear it’s to die for.

THE BANISHED (available now)
“A disabled man is haunted by the torture he suffered as a child when his terminally ill half-sister returns to their small Upstate New York town seeking answers to why their mother abandoned her 40 years before, which sets them both on a tragic and horrific journey.”

Yeesh — if I knew I was terminally ill, I’d be going to Disneyland™ instead of Upstate New York where I seriously doubt they have a Splash Mountain™.

LIVING SPACE (aka, Nazi Undead/available now)
“A romantic holiday in Germany turns into a nightmare when a young couple discover that their lodgings are haunted by the ghost of a Nazi SS officer convicted for the murder of his family. Trapped in a vortex of horror, they must escape the house or suffer the same fate.”

Missed this one when it had a limited release in 2018. (I was planning my vacation to spelunk Splash Mountain™.) I may have tagged this one before, but am just too unmotivated (hungover) to check. Originally titled Living Space, it was changed to Nazi Undead for the DVD/VOD release. That has more zing.

PERFECT (June 21, 2019)
“A mother sends an emotionally-troubled young man to a clinic, where modernist serenity whispers soothing promises of perfection. By planting plug-and-play characteristics directly into his own body, he is relieved of his dark, twisted visions, but his body pays the price for purity of mind.”

Sounds like me after a week of binge-drinking.