Archive for spells

Rock ‘n Roll Aliens, Giant Bullies, Wiccan Babysitters

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, UFOs, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Keith Richards

Keith Richards, iconic rock guitarist and co-founder of The Rolling Stones, recently interviewed on 98.5 WNCX FM Radio in Cleveland, OH, that not only does he believe in aliens, he claims there’s an actual extraterrestrial landing strip on his expansive property in England. Given how much drugs and alcohol the famous wasted musician has infamously consumed over the last 100 years ago (you got that one, right?), surprised he hasn’t also seen Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra and/or Mothman lurking about his front yard as well. (Then again, he might think they’re just roadies.)

Keith Richards

I believe him. Rock and roll wouldn’t lie. So maybe Keith should rewrite some of his songs to support his claim: “Beam Me Up”, “Let’s Spend The Night Together on Uranus”, “Blue Turns To Greys”, “You Can’t Always Get Abducted When You Want”, and “It’s Only Probing (But I Like It)”. I’m thinkin’ platinum sales, here.

While we wait for the Stones’ intergalactic tour, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you satisfaction…

I Kill Giants

I KILL GIANTS (2018)
“A teenage girl chooses to escape the realities of school and a drab family life by retreating into her magical world of titans and giants. With the help of her new friend Sophia and her school therapist, Barbara, will learn to battle her giants and face her fears — tackling the bullies at school, her sister, and her difficult home life.”

I liked it better when it was Harry Potter. Still, giant monsters and difficult home life. I can relate.

Hereditary

HEREDITARY (2018)
“When Ellen, the matriarch of the Graham family, passes away, her daughter’s family begins to unravel cryptic and increasingly terrifying secrets about their ancestry. The more they discover, the more they find themselves trying to outrun the sinister fate they seem to have inherited.”

Big talk about this on the movie/dive bar circuit. I bet Helen’s shameful ancestry has something to do with an unpaid bar tab. Note to matriarchs: dine ‘n dash = NOT COOL.

Nightmare Cinema

NIGHTMARE CINEMA (2018)
“The anthology centers on a series of down-on-their-luck individuals who enter the decrepit and spine-chilling Rialto Theater, only to have their deepest and darkest fears brought to life on the silver screen by The Projectionist — a mysterious, ghostly figure who holds the nightmarish futures of all who attend his screenings. By the time our patrons realize the truth, escape is no longer an option.”

Sounds nifty, though for a great “people trapped in a movie theatre while evil beings eat your face and/or popcorn”, try the Italian gore snack bar, Demons (1985). You’ll forget all about your AMC Stubs™ reward points.

The Night Sitter

THE NIGHT SITTER (2018)
“A scheming con artist poses as innocent babysitter ‘Amber’ to steal from Ted Hooper, a wealthy occult enthusiast with a reclusive son named Kevin. Her crew arrives to clean out the house just as Kevin stumbles upon one of his father’s most prized artifacts and unwittingly summons a trio of witches known as The Three Mothers. As the playful, sadistic witches start picking people off, Amber and Kevin form an unlikely bond and try to survive the night together.”

That would be fun to have witches as babysitters. If you spill a jar of dried frog tongues, there’s plenty of brooms around to sweep ’em up. Wonder if they know any “take out the garbage” spells and/or enchantments? That would so awesome.

Extreme Wizardry

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 9, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Boxer's Omen

A mysterious ghost monk needs a revenge-seeking gangsta’s help, and leads him to a temple where the criminal finds out he’s the ancestral twin of the monk who was murdered by a bad wizard and can’t achieve immortality until the curse is lifted.

The Boxer's Omen

Here’s the b*tch of it all – he’s due to die in two weeks. So he trains to be a Buddhist monk, shaves his head, swears off pre-marital sex, booze, drugs and all the good-for-you things in life. If I had two weeks to live, I’d do the EXACT OPPOSITE of that last sentence.

The Boxer's Omen

The impending black magic battle is where this sucker gets disgustingly surreal: a chicken is cut open, its guts eaten raw and regurgitated and to create spells. Spiders with poisonous needles attack; The wizard pulls his own head off and uses the dangling veins and muscle tissue to tie up the new monk.

The Boxer's Omen

A freakin’ huge alligator is later cut open and its guts eaten. A maggot-covered mummy is stuffed in the belly of the unfortunate reptile, additional regurgitation, a few spells, lovely scented candles and a naked evil priestess is reborn out of the gator to battle the new monk. All of the above: ick.

The Boxer's Omen

But thinking he had previously bested the bad wizard, the gangsta lied to Buddha and goes back to his pre-marital sex ways. So the curse is reinstated unless he can find the deceased monk’s Golden Ashes from another temple way the fart far away and do battle with the priestess and bad wizard one more freakin’ time. The animal gut eating is real, as are the maggots. I’m not sure if the bad wizard really pulled his own head off, but it sure looked authentic to me.

The Boxer's Omen

Boobies, blood, body goosh, alligator gut feasts, maggots… You can look but you aren’t likely to find a horror movie as surreal and messed up as The Boxer’s Omen (1983). And I try ALL the time. P.S. If I screwed up describing the plot, it’s because the movie is in Japanese and I don’t know what that is.