Archive for space

Outer Space Odd Couple

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Enemy Mine

Space pilot Willis Davidge and his enemy – a frog-faced Drac fighter pilot – both crash on the ninth dirtball from the sun after a zinging laser battle. This sets up the movie’s scenario as they both have to work together to survive the hostile planet – rain comes in the form of flaming meteors, bed bugs are the size of Space Chevy hubcaps, and there’s no 7-Elevens™ as far as their future binoculars can see.

Enemy Mine

Slowly, they learn each other’s native tongue and soon they’re talking, arguing and fighting as if two mismatched New York roommates. And they’re forced to eat large Trilobite bugs instead of hamburgers. One day the unwashed Davidge goes in search of anything else edible on the barren planet and happens across garbage left by outlaw miners who use Dracs as slave labor to dig up e-commerce rocks.

Enemy Mine

When Davidge goes back to tell his unlikely buddy, he finds out the Drac is pregnant. Seems Dracs are both male and female and reproduce spontaneously. (I can only imagine the arguments that go on inside its head.) The Drac, who is also dying, makes Davidge promise to recite his kid’s lineage in front of the Draconian High Council — and he has to do it in the Drac native tongue and it has to include all 170 family members’ names. The only thing less painful would be if a Trilobite ate Davidge’s head off.

Enemy Mine

When Zammis (way dumb space name) is born, he looks like a slug. To complicate matters, the outlaw miners come back several years later when Zammis is but a mere tadpole. Guess who captures the little lily pad jumper?

Enemy Mine

Odd, occasionally cheesy, and mildly entertaining, Enemy Mine (1985) does have a few cool moments. Drac looks appropritely neat as a reptilian creature, and when he talks it sounds like he’s gargling chocolate Trilobite milk. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go recite (throw up) my lineage (last night’s beer binge) before the High Council (porcelain throne).

Tailgating Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night Skies

Tailgating on the back of the heavily documented 1997 Phoenix Lights incident, where thousands of people witnessed what was thought to be a UFO over Arizona (but might have just been lights), Night Skies (2008) finds the same light configuration following an RV full of young people lost on a back road.

Night Skies

Looking at said lights instead of the road causes the driver to crash the recreational vehicle into a tree, knocking everyone inside down, one of whom lands on a butcher knife. (I don’t know why more RVs don’t come with butcher knives; It should be standard equipment.)

Outside, dark colored aliens are stalking the humans, making the same burp-chirping sounds those extraterrestrials did in Signs (2002). They must know each other.

Night Skies

The aliens abduct a guy (who has a gun) and a chick, who we earlier found out was pregnant. Regaining consciousness, both wake up on board the UFO (or “lights”) covered in what looks to be half-digested pasta and Super Glue™.

The aliens slather some sort of space paste on the girl’s stomach, which makes her top skin transparent. Now they can see her organs. How embarrassing for her. Then they reach in and take out her impending child. (It’s here where an audible “whew!” sound can be heard, probably from the baby’s reluctant father back in the RV.)

Night Skies

The guy, though naked and covered with party fluids, still has the gun with one shot left. Should he shoot the aliens right in Uranus? Should he cap the chick in the head to spare her the pain of having a lunar abortion? Should he pop someone wearing the same pants size so he can get out of this mess with some dignity?

Better to run outside screaming and shoot at those lights in the sky instead. That’s totally what I would do given the opportunity.

LOL Horror & Sci-Fi

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Snarling

Three new horror hopeful hits headed in this general direction. There’s probably more movies coming out, but I need to spend the day combing my hair YET AGAIN, so three is all you get from me on this 23rd day of the third month of the year 2016.

First up is The Snarling. Cool title. It could be in reference to anything from a werewolf or mad raccoon, to a bitter bear or my neighbor lady whose facial muscles are botoxed to the point she looks like her stretched skin is gonna pop.

Anyway, here’s the skinny on The Snarling, already screened in the U.K., but not here. I don’t know why: “When a cursed new horror film is being made in their village, locals Les, Mike and Bob see their chance to cash in and get famous. As the local Detective Inspector and his hapless sergeant Haskins eventually trace a link in recent bloody mutilations to the film, the race is on to stop the killings before our local heroes get caught up in the real blood and guts.”

Bloody mutilations is an oxymoron.

First Man on Mars

Next up is First Man on Mars, a spoof on The Martian (2015). In this one the send a guy to Mars, but he comes back infected with space gunk, turning him into a “crazed, savage monster with an unquenchable thirst for human flesh.”

Here’s the splashdown on First Man on Mars (release pending 2016): “In 2003 billionaire astronaut Eli Cologne began his journey through space to become the first man on Mars, but something went horribly wrong. The space craft crashed undetected in a remote part of Louisiana during Hurricane Katrina, and he’s been hunting both human and animal prey in the swamps for years. For small town sheriff Dick Ruffman, it’s a race against time to find the man-turned-monster before he kills again in this horrifying and hilarious satire of low budget drive-in grindhouse creature features from the 1970s.”

Crazed, savage monster with an unquenchable thirst for human flesh is an oxymoron.

Australiens

Lastly, the brilliantly punned Australiens (releasing June 14, 2016) is a comedic take on an alien invasion set in the Land of Roo: “An extraterrestrial armada launches a nationwide assault on Australia. Seems the other nations of the world are far too insulted by their exclusion from the attack to come to Australia’s aid. Car-chasing spaceships, martial-arts aliens, giant killer robots and more.”

Australia doesn’t need our help – they have tasty beers. And you can never lose when you have tasty beers.

Still Lost in Space

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 19, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

400 Days

Now that everyone’s suitably worked into a froth over all things space truckin’ (thank you Interstellar, The Martian, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Deep Purple), it’s a no-brainer for Hollywood to jump on the launch pad and get more space-y films into orbit.

Filmed in Los Angeles but made to make us think we’re on a distant planet (not too much of a stretch), 400 Days (2015) puts four astronauts into a simulated mission to put the screws to the psychological effects of space travel. Pffftttt – I can do that from a bar stool – before last call.

400 Days

As the plot goes, “Locked away for 400 days, the crew’s mental state begins to deteriorate when they lose all communication with the outside world. Forced to exit the ship, they discover that this mission may not have been a simulation after all.”

400 Days

Thanks for the spoiler, Hollywood jerks. And since we’re on the subject, this has already been done – in 1959. Titled “Where is Everybody?”, The Twilight Zone’s very first episode (thank you, Rod Serling), reads almost exactly like the plot of 400 Days

The Twilight Zone

“His name is Mike Ferris, an astronaut in training who has been confined to an isolation room located within an aircraft hangar for 484 hours and 36 minutes. He has been undergoing tests to determine his fitness for spaceflight and whether he can handle the psychological stress of a prolonged trip to the Moon alone.”

And to think all he had to do was go to a dive bar, which is where Hollywood seems to be going for inspiration these days.

Sensual Brazilian Space Bug

Posted in Aliens, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 1, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mosquitoid

Zombie mosquitoes? Sure, I’ll bite. (Heh.) How could I turn down a premise – and a title like Mosquitoid (aka, The Mosquito Alien – Nights of Terror)?

This mash-up comes from Brazil, where there are lots of zombie mosquitoes all over the place. The Internet verified that with poorly written eyewitness accounts from hobo drunks. But before you book your vacation to South America, know that Mosquitoid is in the early stages of production, relying on crowd-funding to get across the finish line.

Mosquitoid

Need a pitch? Mosquitoid is about a giant mosquito from Planet Endfly, who finds a crack in a black hole in space and comes to Planet Earth. When he comes to Ribeirão Preto, a city that is experiencing an epidemic of the same mosquito because of the excess of still water, he promotes chaos. Mosquitoid’s venom first kills then turns the dead into zombie mosquitoes that attack the city’s population.”

Mosquitoid

“The mosquito goes through numerous funny situations because of his personalities: mad scientist, drag queen, clumsy soldier, sensual colonel, crazy hippie, space warrior… All this is washed down with very black humor, blood and some sensuality.”

That last paragraph easily describes many people I’ve seen in many dive bars. Except for the sensuality. There is nothing sensual about hobo drunks.

Mosquitoid

While you can personally help fund Mosquitoid (IndieGoGo.com), just know that an Alien Mosquitoid made its first appearance on 2012 as a sci-fi action figure in Lego’sGalaxy Squad™ series. (Mosquitoid also shows up in the Swarm Interceptor, Warp Stinger and Bug Obliterator sets.)

I have no idea why I know this. Apparently the words “get a life” don’t mean a thing to me.

Aliens Should Be Free

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aliens vs Titanic

Given how much of my life I’ve devoted to watching horror and sci-fi, you’d think something exquisitely cheesy like Aliens vs. Titanic would automatically move to the top of my viewing list. And I still haven’t seen it. And here’s the shocking reason why: I don’t have cable TV. Yep, most of my movie thrills come from YouTube™, where you don’t have to pay Comcast™ up the whazoo for overpriced and craptacular (ok, I get the irony here) programming.

That said, I first stumbled across Aliens vs. Titanic via a trailer on YouTube™ back in 2012. Made by TomCat Films™ (trying boldly to usurp the craptacular Asylum Films™), I figured it was only a matter of time before someone uploaded it, thereby saving me an embarrassment of riches.

Then time went by and I went on. Then AvT showed up again in 2014 with another trailer. And still no booted copy online. Then IMDB goes and lists AvT as being released in 2015. Still can’t find it anywhere for free. To say this makes my tummy upset is an understatement. Besides boasting a really funny kicker line: “The Unsinkable Meets The Unthinkable,” the movie has a tantalizing plot:

Aliens vs Titanic

“Offering only the finest amenities, the ‘TITAN 1C’ space-cruiser is considered the most luxurious star-liner ever built. Future spring-breakers on board are excited to be touring through space with some of the world’s elite.”

“A sudden meteor storm smashes into the hull, and a deadly biological alien life-form is let loose on the ship. Seeking a suitable host, the retrovirus successfully merges with some the passengers, transforming them into seemingly invincible predators with the ‘touch of death.’ As the ship is destroyed, the surviving passengers crash on a remote planet, and they learn that one of them is infected. They must quickly band together before it has a chance to slaughter them all.”

It’s a crime against my humanity to not be able to see this without paying for it. However, I shan’t give up the fight. So in your face, Comcast™, you monthly price-increasing b-holes.

P.S. I just saw mention online of Jaws vs. Titanic. May the gods shine down upon my head.

A Case of the Crabs

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Queen Crab

Giant crab movies are nothing new. You can go far back as 1961’s Mysterious Island for some sweet supersized crustacean action. And when you run out of ways to have mega crabs shell humans as if they were um, crab legs, then you give the title creature a new designation: Queen Crab. No word if this is a gay crab or one born of royalty.

Mysterious Island

Filmed using good old fashion stop-motion (see The Gumby Show/1956), Queen Crab is introduced via a meteor crashing into a remote quiet lake, probably loaded with giant leeches (see Attack of the Giant Leeches/1959). From there the space rock, probably thrown by God (see The Ten Commandments/1956), “awakens a centuries-old beast, who tears through a nearby town and its inhabitants who must fight for their lives and stop this Queen Crab before she can hatch an army of babies.”

Gumby

An army of crab babies. Good luck finding diapers that stay on during pinch-y attacks on humanity.

Queen Crab arrives via DVD September 2015 and is reported to be loaded with extras. Wishful thinking, but I hope one of the extras is a package of drawn butter and/or cocktail sauce.

Alien Sex Fiend

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Species

Who says chick aliens can’t be blonde supermodels with lacy bras and out-of-this-world panties? Grown under strict lab conditions like the sea monkeys we paid $2.99 for from a comic book ad (but never received), Sil is an alien life-form about to be gassed in her glass-y test tube apartment.

Species

She doesn’t like gas and manages to break out and run away where three things grow at an accelerated rate: her left boob, her right boob and her need to breed. I would like to meet this alien life-form for, um, scientific purposes, because I’m casually interested in space stuff.

SpeciesSil easily attracts men to have sex with her because she’s so hot and because she’s naked, the two basic components of life itself. The scientists, though, need to track her down before she morphs into Miss Mars Attacks and kills everyone.

Species

Fortunately for ME, Sil mates a couple of times and manages to evade those that hunt her down, eventually transforming into her true self. And what a cool true self alien she is, what with her internal organs easily viewable through her transparent cartilage that is her outer skin stuff.

Species

Sil’s rampant horniness makes sense when she finally gives birth to a freakish lunar rug rat. All of this is pretty neat, but the part where Sil walks around without earth clothes emphasizes quantum physics as it applies to the ever-expanding universe. In order for a science fiction movie like Species (1995) to be believable, you kinda gotta have that.