Archive for space station

Serious UFOs, Fleshless Creatures, People Copy Machine

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFO

A recent headline (aka, click-bait) on Politico.com caught my wandering attention: “The Navy Is Working on Guidelines for Reporting UFOs After Pilots Pushed to Have Sightings Taken Seriously.” About flippin’ time — we’re long past the point of legalizing UFOs.

UFO

From the article: “There have been a number of reports of unauthorized and/or unidentified aircraft entering various military-controlled ranges and designated air space in recent years,” the Navy said in a statement in response to questions from Politico. “For safety and security concerns, the Navy and the [U.S. Air Force] takes these reports very seriously and investigates each and every report.” They’re lucky I’m not in the Navy and/or the U.S. Airforce — I’d be calling in UFO sightings up to and including four times a day.

UFO

So how much does investigating UFOs cost? According to the article, a cool $25 million pocket coupons. Seems excessive, especially when that cash could be better spent flying the President to and from golf courses.

UFO candy

While we wait for the armed forces to get its guidelines in line, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be taken seriously by the Navy

Demon Eye

DEMON EYE (available now)
“A young woman returns to her father’s country house where she discovers an amulet with connections to witchcraft. The amulet has dark powers and will grant her greatest wish, but in return, two deadly demons are unleashed.”

My greatest wish would be to have two deadly demons unleashed. Oh, and I want an amulet. I just bought a new shirt and need to accessorize.

Crossbreed

CROSSBREED (available now)
“In the near future, the President of the United States of America hires a team of military veterans to retrieve an alien bio-weapon from a top-secret research facility orbiting the Earth. These highly trained mercenaries must infiltrate the space station and recover the deadly experimental alien cargo located on-board. All is going according to the plan until the cargo escapes.”

These mercs are f’d in the black hole. How do you escape from an alien on-board a space station? It’s not like you can just jump out a window. Since it’s in space, I’m pretty sure all the windows are locked.

Winterskin

WINTERSKIN (May 21, 2019)
“Gunned down in the snowy wilderness and desperate for shelter, Billy Cavanagh is taken in by kooky old lady Agnes, unaware that her isolated log cabin is being stalked by a bloodthirsty skinless creature hellbent on getting inside.”

Of course the skinless creature wants to get inside — with no flesh and being stuck outside in the snow, he’s probably freezing his fleshless ass off.

Assimilate

ASSIMILATE (May 24, 2019)
“While making a web-series mocking their quaint small town, three high school kids slowly discover that their relatives and neighbors are being killed and replaced by creatures that metamorphose into an exact copy of their victims. As the police and adults begin to change, and their own lives are threatened, the kids’ only weapon is to covertly record the takeover and put it on the web in a desperate attempt to attract outside help.”

I liked it better when it was called Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956, 1978, 2007).

Cloverfield in Space, The Search for Bigfoot, Mutant Fish ‘n Chips

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Cloverfield Paradox

The big horror/sci-fi news came on the cleated heels of Superbowl LIIThe Cloverfield Paradox (2018), a highly anticipated installment in the Cloverfield franchise — showed up on Netflix™ the second the world’s most overpaid football game ended. This caused my blood pressure to go off the charts as the movie was first titled God Particle. Then it had a movie theater release date, but scrapped that a the last minute and put it up on Netflix™. I did what anyone would do in this situation — drink a refreshing adult beverage to regain self control, and then watched it.

Here’s the premise…

“An American space station that, after an accident with a particle accelerator, suddenly finds that Earth has vanished altogether. Things get stranger when they then pick up traces of another space station nearby.”

The Cloverfield Paradox

Rather bland considering it was meant to tie up loose ends left loose by Cloverfield (2008) and 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016). But critics were not impressed and had this to say about the admittedly confusing movie: “A trainwreck of a sci-fi flick bent on extending a franchise that should have died a peaceful death almost exactly one decade ago…”Hollywood Reporter; “While there are a handful of nifty sequences and good performances overall, this feels like a blown-out pilot for one of those SyFy™ series you always mean to get around to but never do…”Thrillist; and more succinctly, The Cloverfield Paradox is an unholy mess…”The Guardian. Ouch.

The Cloverfield Paradox

Whether or not you watch it and decide to go all mob mentality on The Cloverfield Paradox, here are a few more just released and upcoming horror and sci-fi documentaries/movies that may or may not turn out to be an unholy mess…

Expedition SasquatchEXPEDITION SASQUATCH (available now)
“A new documentary about the Sasquatch of Nordegg, Alberta. This area has become increasingly popular among Bigfoot researchers and enthusiasts due to the baffling tree structures that can be found in the area.”

Checked on Expedia.com and I can fly from Seattle, to Nordegg, Alberta — round-trip — for $296 smackos. Once in Nordegg (that name sounds so mad up), I’ll be able to Air BnB it with my ‘ol pal, Bigfoot. It’d be cool if he had some Unibroue La Fin Du Monde on ice waitin’ for me. That stuff is 9% alcohol and a few bottles of that will have you seeing mythical monsters all over the place.

Asylum of Fear

ASYLUM OF FEAR (available now)
“When a team of paranormal investigators is hired to inspect a soon-to-be demolished mental institution, they discover horrifying clues that reveal the cause of a violent massacre by an insane doctor in the 1960s.”

Don’t they know mental institutions are supposed to be abandoned and subsequently haunted and not knocked down to make room for YET ANOTHER Starbucks™? Still, the generic Asylum of Fear makes sense that the place was f’d up by an insane doctor. At least he was in the right place. You don’t bring a knife to a gunfight.

The Barge People

THE BARGE PEOPLE (2018)
“Set on the canals amid the glorious British countryside, two sisters and their boyfriends head off for a relaxing weekend away on a barge, unaware of the flesh-eating fish mutants lurking in the water, ready and waiting to feed.”

Flesh-eating fish mutants lining up to dine on barge food? Do fries go with that? Regardless, I’d like to reserve a table, close to the docks, if possible.

November

NOVEMBER (2018)
“The story is set in a pagan Estonian village where werewolves, the plague, and spirits roam. The villagers’ main problem is how to survive the cold, dark winter. And, to that aim, nothing is taboo. People steal from each other, from their German manor lords, and from spirits, the devil, and Christ. To guard their souls, they’ll give them away to thieving creatures made of wood and metal called Kratts, who help their masters by stealing more.”

The trailer for this is very art house-y. But gotta say, the wood and metal Kratt creatures are pretty cool and candidates for McDonald’s Happy Meal™ toys. (Last Happy Meal™ I got had a toy napkin in the box. Sure, those things are fun to play with, but I wanted a Cloverfield action figure, dang it.

Restored Zombies, Giant Animals, Predictable Slashers

Posted in Bigfoot, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the Living Dead

If you’re not doing anything on February 13, 2018, you can buy Criterion’s 4k digital restoration of Night of the Living Dead. Yeah, we’ve all seen the movie a billion times. But this one comes with new snazzy features, like the never-before-seen 16mm dailies reel, new programs about the editing, the score, and directing ghouls and an essay by film critic Stuart Klawans. There’s lots more, but this is already starting to feel like a to-do list.

While we impatiently wait to see YET ANOTHER repackage of the same movie we’ve seen a billion times, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies you that you may or may not watch a billion times…

American Bigfoot

AMERICAN BIGFOOT (aka, Kampout/available now)
“Enraged by the murder of it’s offspring, a Bigfoot rampages through the countryside of Southeast Ohio. Detective Benson, Ranger Thomas and Bigfoot researcher Hank scramble to locate the legendary creature before it attacks a group of teenagers on a camping trip in an isolated place called Kampout.”

Of course Bigfoot’s an American. So much so, I’m surprised his fur isn’t red, brown and blue. And whoever killed the Bigkid, deserves to taste the business end of an American boot.

The Strangers: Prey At Night

THE STRANGERS: PREY AT NIGHT (March, 2018)
“A family’s road trip takes a dangerous turn when they arrive at a secluded mobile home park to stay with some relatives and find it mysteriously deserted. Under the cover of darkness, three masked psychopaths pay them a visit to test the family’s every limit as they struggle to survive.”

Second verse, same as the first. Surprised as to why it’s taken 10 years to barf up a sequel. Not surprised that all they did was move the location and slap a limp biscuit of a title on it.

Rampage

RAMPAGE (April 20, 2018)
“The first privately owned space station is destroyed by a mysterious experiment done on board. Three canisters from the crash land on Earth. One lands in the gorilla enclosure at the San Diego Zoo, the other in the plains of Wyoming and the last one in the Florida Everglades. The Griffin Technologies Group, headed by two siblings, tries to destroy any evidence of wrongdoing before the government finds out. It’s too late because the canisters have infected a gorilla named George, a wolf in Wyoming and an alligator. They start evolving and growing exponentially. To cover their tracks, the Griffin idiots decide to unleash a beacon that will make all three large animals head toward one destination: their head office located in the Willis Tower in Chicago.”

A giant gorilla, wolf and alligator. King Kong and Crocosaurus should sue for face infringement. As for the giant forest dog, good luck finding a proportional fire hydrant.

Fantastic Beats: The Crimes of Grindelwald

FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD (November 16, 2018)
Grindelwald had escaped from the Wizard Cops and is preparing to build up his evil army. Young Dumbledore will enlist his favorite student, Newt, to help fight said army. Tragic and powerful Credence has possibly been turned to the dark side, though he seemed pretty annoyed when Grindelwald betrayed him.”

Another money-printing Harry Potter prequel. Too bad the press release just spoiled it by telling us Grindelwald got away from the Wizard Cops. I wanted to be the one to do it.

Space Wife

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on June 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Solaris

In Solaris (2002), professionally handsome George Clooney plays a widowed psychologist sent to the space station orbiting Solaris (hey – same name as the movie title – neato!), a new planet with potential Starbuck’s™ applications. He has to find out why the crew gooned out and aren’t returning Earth’s tweets.

Solaris

When he arrives (just a mere shuttle flight once you pass the moon on the left hand side, what crew isn’t dead is gooned out. Seems they’ve been having visitors drop by. These visitors are a physical manifestation of someone in your life. For George, it’s his dead wife who he’s been in power-grieving mode for since she committed suicide after an argument she and George had. He carries guilt around like a grocery bag.

Solaris

When she suddenly appears, he goons out. Rationally, he knows it can’t be her, even though she still smells as fresh as a Nordstrom’s™ 1/2 off shoe sale. He tricks her into getting into an escape pod, and jettisons the illusion to the lunar curb. The next day she shows up again. What the hell? Is she, a space boomerang?

Solaris

Clearly, this is the work of drugs. Or Solaris. Probably drugs. There is a way to permanently kill off the visitors, but it involves a science weapon of some sort. This gal, though, wants to die because she knows she’s not real, and drinks liquid oxygen. (Shaken, not stirred, served up.) But soon she resurrects and it’s back to being boring.

Solaris

Another plan is devised to get out of Solaris’ gravitational pull in the escape module, but George stays to be with his artificial wife because he still hearts her. Then he ends up back on Earth and cuts himself while chopping up mouth-watering zucchini in his kitchen. That’s odd — his cut just healed instantaneously. That must mean… Yep, he’s officially dull, too.

Solaris

There’s just no other way to put this: Solaris is a really boring sci-fi movie with more talking than outer space-y stuff.

Lunar Madness

Posted in Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 8, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Moon

In the critically butt-kissed Moon (2009), Sam Bell works on the Moon base Sarang. Since it’s the Moon, every day is a night shift. Heh. He’s been there three years, scraping the moon’s surface for Helium-3. (He gets to keep any pocket change he finds, though.) LUNAR, his employers, have sent a transmission that his shift is nearly over, and to prepare for the latest employee to arrive. This means hiding those dirty magazines in an airlock or nearby crater.

Moon

Aside from a talking computer named GERTY that runs the space station (I would’ve named it Pocket Pal 3000), Sam’s the only one on the Moon. So how is it he sees someone standing outside on the Moon’s surface? Is it a member of Pink Floyd? Is it Space Jesus? Sam decides to find out.

Moon

While gunning his future tractor to the mysterious body, he crashes and before losing consciousness, switches his suit to life support. Good thing, as there’s no air on the Moon. (I found that out from the Internet.) Sam wakes up in the sick bay and overhears GERTY having a conversation with LUNAR, telling the computer to not let Sam outside the house.

Moon Sam manages to trick the computer and heads back to the wreck, where he finds…himself! Bringing his doppelganger to the base, the two try to cope with each other’s existence. Talk about space madness — one Sam is agitated, the other calm and logical. If there were two of me in a space station, there’d be a fight to the death over whatever Romulan Ale was left in the fridge.

Moon

Sam #1 is getting sick and looks like he has the space flu. Sam #2 seems to be as healthy as a fresh Moon peach. Sick Sam slowly uncovers clues as to why there are two of him and… He needs to complete the mystery before the relief ship gets to the Moon and spanks his moon for crashing the company tractor.

Moon

When Sam discovers the sad truth, it’s not pretty. You’ll probably even cry comsos tears when you find out. A three-stage twist sets up a finish that, while not accompanied by UFOs or laser beams, is quite gratifying and satisfying, and any other words that rhymes with those two. Moon is an unconventional but way cool sci-fi film. Makes me wanna go to the Moon. I’ll have to put that on my bucket list.