Spider: Made By Volkswagon

What started as an anemic sci-fi yawnfest, Spiders (2000) turned into a goopy killfest almost worthy of a video store rental fee.

Three college paranormal investigators working for the school newspaper witness the crash of the space shuttle. Mutated spiders made it fall from the ozone after eating the brains of the occupants (Astro – nots. Ha!).

The infected bodies are taken to a secret military base, and the news-minded team infiltrate because the truth is in there somewhere. A lot of yackety-yacking until one of the reporters gets bitten by a spider that bursts out of an expired skull and the splatter starts to matter.

The killer bug grows to the size of a Volkswagen Beetle™, and oh what a tangled web he weaves. Super spidey breaks out of the army base and goes on a casual rampage through the college campus where it further expands to the size of a mutated Volkswagen Beetle™. The monster bug crushes cars, smashes buildings and eats undergraduates.

One surviving military guy and the hot chick reporter get in a helicopter conveniently parked near the college and, using bazookas, blast the bug into spider spaghetti. The star chick is really hot, but she blows many an opportunity to distract the spider by taking her top off. When will humans ever learn?

All in all, satisfactory fun if you can fast forward through the first half.

Turtle vs. Tentacle

Gam Gam’s new foe in this one is Iris, a morphing gasoline-powered sharp thing with extra-long tentacles and a battle cry that sounds like Free Willy with menstrual cramps.

Making a boisterous comeback cameo are those pesky, carnivorous fruit flies Gyaos, with Gamera blasting ’em out of the sky with fireballs of righteousness. What’s cool is now he doesn’t give a crap about real estate or whiny Earth wieners, which he barbecues without shedding a single turtle tear.

While this is happening, some chick with a vendetta (Gamera inadvertently collateral damaged her parents in Attack of Legion/1996) discovers the monster baby Iris in a cave and establishes a mental link to execute her PMS revenge.

Iris grows to the size of the space shuttle and proceeds to raise shell with Gamera. The realistic destructo effects are dang awesome and thereby superific (my word, not Webster’s). You WILL believe full-scale office buildings are being knocked over as if they were mere balsa wood models. Don’t worry about following the plot as the movie is in some sort of weirdo language. (German, it is theorized.)

In the end, Gamera saves the chick that was gunning for him. (Geez, what’s he gonna do next – send her Christmas cards?) Still, Gamera III: Revenge of Iris (1999) is great fun for those of us who regard giant turtle movies as such. And I do.

UFOs and Corduroy Sweaters

When three astronauts on a routine space shuttle mission deploy a satellite and it crashes into a UFO, there sure are a lot of red faces in outer spaces. (Heh.)

The resulting explosion sent shrapnel through one of the astronauts, cleanly severing his head/helmet. I don’t mean to disrespect our space program, but the image of the astronaut’s floating body and nearby spinning head was one of those LOL moments.

The UFO crashes to Earth where scientists try and figure out where the batteries go. The unsevered astronauts land the shuttle and take off in sweaters and corduroys to find the truth/crashed UFO. Trying to stop them is the evil branch of the C.I.A., who seem to have more expendable agents than satellites.

The scientists, though, are having more luck, having successfully transcribed alien language, only to find out Earth is targeted for an invasion. We’re safe – once they see our stylish sweaters and slick corduroys, they’ll think Earth is far more advanced, and head to some other drab planet.

Other than the clothes, the magnificently dull Hangar 18 (1980) should have spent less time on the chase scenes and more time on the spinning severed head.