A Tub of Screams, Mermaids in Heat, Hairy Legs

While I’m not a fan of the Scream movie franchise (don’t make me explain), gotta admit the Scream VI Popcorn Tub is a pretty slick movie tie-in. You can get it for $19.99 (click here) with a shipping date of early August 2023. Kinda curious as to why this wasn’t scheduled to coincide with Scream VI’s March 10, 2023 theater premier, which would’ve made way more sense. But since when has Hollywood done anything that’s ever made sense, besides Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000).

So what does $19.99 get you? “The Scream VI Popcorn Tub is blow mold plastic, with ABS glossy Ghostface mask sculpted to accuracy, the iconic “Do you like scary movies?” embossed on back with robe texture all over. It’s 8” tall and has an 85 oz capacity.” That can hold a lot of popcorn. But as this thing is plastic and looks like a giant beer mug, 85 oz — or over a half gallon of beer. Now there’s something to scream about!

So while we head to 7-Eleven™ to buy a half gallon of beer to go in the popcorn tub, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your head feel like the inside of a popcorn maker — or 7-Eleven™…

JACKPOT ISLAND — KUMANTHONG RETURNS / Out now (VOD)

“Jackpot Island — Kumanthong Returns continues to spread obsession and doubts about one of Southeast Asia’s most terrifying divinities. Who is really hiding behind the evil, monstrous face and holding terrifying secrets? What does a deadly island and the terrifyingly mysterious appearance of monstrous mermaids have to do with this brutal and terrifying spell?”

This Vietnamese horror movie’s original title is Đảo Độc Đắc — Tử Mẫu Thiên Linh Cái. This is all Google Translate™ could do with it: Doc Dac Island — Tu Mau Thien Linh Cai. I could’ve guessed that. But what I really want to see is those monstrous mermaids, or “nàng tiên cá quái dị.”

MARUI VIDEO (aka, 8MM) Out now (VOD)

“The video evidence of the murder is especially brutal and graphic and shouldn’t release to the public. A reporter who has access to the prosecutor’s office hears about a cursed tape in the video archive and begins reporting on it. As he digs into the background of the tape, he and his team uncover tidbits of records and find links to various cases. But as they dig deeper and deeper, mysterious events take place all around them.”

Cursed video tape…where have I heard that before? Oh, I remember: all 14 Ring/Ringu movies. 

BAD CONNECTION Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a downtrodden young waitress buys a stolen cell phone and discovers a snuff film on it, she soon finds herself on the run from a maniacal madman with a hunting knife who is hellbent on getting it back, and willing to slaughter anyone who stands in his way.”

I don’t see why the maniacal madman with a hunting knife is so hellbent on getting the phone back for the film footage. It’s not like it’s a dick pic that was accidentally sent to everyone in your phone’s address book.

FOOTSTEPS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of young women head to Marshall Woods, intending to blow off steam and find inspiration for their book about local ‘missing person’ lore and legends. They soon discover they are not alone and unwittingly begin a bloody fight for survival against a terrifying and unnatural antagonist.”

If you read the 2020 short story of the same name this is based on, you know there’s a werewolf, body blood, women blood, and the ripping of blouses. Not necessarily in that order.

Monster Face, Skin Snacks, Braless Bloodshed

Have you ever wanted to look like Godzilla but found that plastic surgery and/or being exposed to radiation is just to darn too costly? Super7™ has your back (and face) with their slick, fully-licensed Godzilla mask, priced at an easily-borrowed $20. Having a Godzilla mug not enough? Super7™ also has Hedorah and Mechagodzilla masks as well. Get all three for $60 to switch up your game — then go out on the town and knock a few buildings over.

From their website: “Be the King of the Monsters, the Smog Monster Hedorah, or the mechanical wonder Mechagodzilla for Halloween or every day of the year with the officially licensed Super7 x Toho retro masks! Made of high quality plastic with an elastic headband and with retro packaging.”

While you look for a shirt and trousers to go with your new and improved features, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved with radiation… 

CHUYEN MA GAN NHÀ (Vietnamese Horror Story) / Out now (Screambox™)

“This horror anthology film presents three tales inspired by the country’s urban legends and folklore: an actress seeking everlasting beauty; a magician who makes a deal with evil; and a psychic seeking the remains of a deceased girl.”

This Vietnamese movie came out earlier this year and was a huge hit. It’s now available in the States. Wish I knew it was gonna be released here before I flew all the way to Southeast Asia to catch the matinee. (I loaded up on Cu-do Candy, Bim Bim and some Mut at the snack bar — only cost me 37,1625 dong.) 

THE SAWYER MASSACRE / Out now (YouTube™)

“On June 30th, 1965, Jimmy’s friends bring him to the Texas countryside to escape city life after a terrible tragedy. In need of supplies for their cabin, they ascend to a nearby gas station where they are directed to find their supplies at an isolated farmhouse but this property is not as it seems. They soon find themselves hunted by a human flesh-eating psychopath with an arsenal of violent tools at his disposal. If any live through the nightmare, they’ll wish they hadn’t.”

This Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) prequel answers the question of how much flesh can a flesh-eating psychopath eat. Irregardless of the saturated fat, probably a lot. And hey, you could make deli-sawed butt sandwiches out of the leftovers.

THE BOOGEYMAN /January 2023 (Hulu™)

“A sixteen-year-old and her younger sister, still reeling from the death of their mother, are targeted by a supernatural boogeyman after their father, a psychologist, has an encounter with a desperate patient in their house.”

This movie is based on the 1973 Stephen King short story, which later showed up in his best-selling Night Shift collection in 1978. Didn’t read it — I never learned to read until 1981. Late bloomer.

MURDERCISE / Release pending June 2023 (VOD)

“Phoebe is an obsessed fitness nerd who gets her big break on a sleazy workout video. After being ridiculed by her co-stars, Phoebe befriends a mafia princess wild child, who teaches her how to murder her way to the top.”

Warning — this movie features exercising girls not wearing bras. Be careful not to hurt yourself watching it.