Six months of non-stop rain and dreariness. Seattle weather could qualify as its own horror movie. So why do I continue to live here instead of, say, the Atacama Desert in South America, the driest desert in the world? For one thing, I would not want sand beetles as neighbors. Too noisy.
Anyway, here’s some stay-indoor upcoming horror movies to help take your mind off the stupid weather…
ATTACKED ON SET (March 21, 2017)
“When these girls lay down, things stand up. A perfect mixture of comedy, gore and campiness with lots of boobs and blood.”
Despite having one of the worst horror movie titles (and press releases) going, I do look forward to the boobular aspect of said dumbly named flick.
VAMPIRE CLEANUP DEPARTMENT (2017)
“Vampires have been haunting Hong Kong for centuries. Because of this, hidden in this city is an official special action unit coping with them — the Vampire Cleanup Department (VCD). The street cleaners out at night are actually vampire hunters, their giant garbage bins containing the captured vampires. The ordinary garbage station is their secret headquarter.”
So to get rid of vampires all you have to do is throw ‘em in the garbage? Seems too easy; do you need to have garlic-flavored garbage bags lining said can? Should you throw your silverware in the trash along with said disposable vampires? That begs the question — are vampires recyclable? Hope so. Wouldn’t be cool to have landfills overflowing with discarded vampires.
SWAMP FREAK (2017)
“Six college students go into the wetlands to find their missing professor after he takes off in search of the mythical and deadly monster known as the Swamp Freak.”
Not to be confused with Field Freak (2016), which also features a mythical and deadly creature. Maybe they’re cousins.
“A virus infects a corporate law office on the day attorney Derek Saunders is framed by a co-worker and wrongfully fired. The infection is capable of making people act out their wildest impulses. Trapped in the quarantined building, our hero is forced to savagely fight tooth and nail for not only his job but his life.”
Time to leave the corporate world and get a job with the less violent Vampire Cleanup Department.