Archive for sock puppet

Witches, Werewolves, Cross Dressing Halloween

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Giant Freddy Glove

Mark Phillips, who runs prop-making company Nightmares Unlimited, made a four-foot tall/long version of Freddy Krueger’s famous blade-fingered glove, which will be featured at the upcoming ScareFest as part of a special photo-op with Robert Englund (aka, Freddy), running September 29th through October 1st in Lexington, KY. Fewer things in life are as cool.

I’ll tell you what’s not cool, though — proctology exams that feel like the doctor is wearing a four-foot tall/long version of Freddy Krueger’s famous blade-fingered glove.

And speaking of ridiculously uncomfortable experiences, here are a few upcoming horror and movies that may or may not make you feel like you’re being double-parked by a really mean sock puppet…

Witch Hunt

WITCH HUNT (available now)
“A Catholic priest questions his faith after a botched exorcism. An unknown association hires a brother/sister team of Bosnian witch hunters/inquisitors to exterminate the ‘problems’ the town has been experiencing.”

Catholic priests should really look into outsourcing as they don’t have too good a track record for demonic purging. Heck, I’ll do it for slightly less than the going rate. E-mail me for a obligation-free price quote.

The Houses October Built 2

THE HOUSES OCTOBER BUILT 2 (September 22, 2017)
“The new pic picks up the five haunted-house enthusiast friends still trying to recover from the trauma of being kidnapped last Halloween by the Blue Skeleton — a group who takes ‘extreme haunt’ to another level. They decide to face their fears in order to move on and go back out on the road to find more haunted houses, but signs of the Blue Skeleton start appearing again.”

Got bored with the first one (it came out in 2014) and only watched 20 minutes of it. So with the release of the sequel, I’ll get advice from my life coach as to whether or not to go back and watch the remaining 71.

Boo! Two

BOO! TWO — A MADEA HALLOWEEN (October 20, 2017)
Madea, Bam, and Hattie venture to a haunted campground and the group must literally run for their lives when monsters, goblins, and the boogeyman are unleashed.”

Is it just me or does Madea look like a dude dressed up as a woman? While I let that roll around in the gumball machine that is my head, full disclosure: I never saw Boo! (2016), either. Unless it’s Bruce Campbell, I’m not a fan of slapstick horror. (I’m looking in your direction, Fear of the Walking Dead.)

Fang

FANG (in production)
“After participating in a robbery-turned-murder, Chloe and Joe decided to hide out at a distant relative’s house only to find themselves stalked and hunted by creatures and forces unknown.”

The creatures are not unknown as they put ‘em right on the key art — they’re WEREWOLVES! About time, as we’ve been overdue for a good werewolf romp. Until this one gets here, try Howl (2015). In that one a rural bound British commuter train is beset (sorry — word of the day calendar) upon by fuzzy monsters that turn the stalled train’s passengers into buttsteak and kidney pies.

Vampires Bite Uranus

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bloodsuckers

For a movie about vampires to call itself Bloodsuckers (2005) makes you wonder who got paid to come up with it. If it was more than a dollar, they were over-paid. Fortunately, someone kinda sort a fixed it when the made-for-TV sci-fi flick was retitled Vampire Wars: Battle For The Universe. Still dumb, but not Bloodsuckers dumb.

In the future we find that the universe is being scourged by a snack-pack variety of vampires. Teams of vampire hunters roam the galaxy and shout “lock ’n load, people” pseudo-military slogans and do a lot of synchronized posing.

Bloodsuckers

One such team has a hot vampire chick working with them (she can smell vampire B.O., even in space), who has to drink plasma (space term for blood) instead of “snecking.” (Snacking on necks.)

Bloodsuckers

They land on an abandoned planet, only to discover the place is overrun with dozens, maybe even a hundred dozen vampires. Seems some disenchanted Earth people have teamed up with the vampires to eliminate humans throughout the star system because they’re fed up with humans acting so aggressively towards EVERYTHING.

Bloodsuckers

No flinching on the gore and cannibalism (some vampires eat the flesh of their victims as though it were Red Vines™), and if you can put up with the painful dialogue (“That their genetics were merged by the vampirazation process was of profound interest.”) you’ll be rewarded with a talking chest-burster parasite (i.e., phallic-shaped sock puppet), and the super hot vampire chick offering to have sex with the captain to get him to relax.

Bloodsuckers

Because sex with a vampire can be fatal (I’m willing to risk it), she does the whole “tantric non-touching” space boot-knocking that’s alledgedly mind-blowing. Thanks, but in the future I’ll stick with making out with a lunar chick in the back seat of my space pod. (I hope I can afford one of those in the future. Space pod, not a lunar chick.)