Archive for soap

Killer Beer, Fat Shaming Horror, Pond Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Chucky: A Killer Wit Beer™, a limited brew based on Chucky, the skull/wise-cracking serial killer doll made icon status in Child’s Play (1988), is now available for quaffing purposes.

From the press release: “Just like the devious doll it’s inspired by, this pumpkin witbier with cranberry will be your friend ’til the very end. Saturated with blood-red cranberry juice and entangled with pumpkin mangled into a puree, the beer is light in color with spine-chilling flavors of chamomile and cinnamon – the perfect combination of everything you love about the season.”

Chucky: A Killer Wit Beer is a limited release and collaborative beer between Elysian™, USA Network™ and SYFY™, brewed in celebration of all things Halloween, horror and Season 2 of Chucky, a continuation of the iconic film franchise chronicling the murderous escapades of the notorious killer doll.”

Beer that tastes like pumpkin, cranberry, chamomile and cinnamon? Shouldn’t this be sold at a Nordstrom™ perfume and deodorant kiosk? While you contemplate sucking down a case or two or making scented candles out of it, here are a few horror movies that may or may not be an affront to your palate…   

NIX / September 27, 2022 (VOD)

While Jack Coyle struggles to keep his shattered family together, a strange and powerful entity reveals itself again, opening the wounds for another tragedy to occur. As Jack deals with the consequences, he also must protect his young niece from this frightening creature, which threatens to destroy everyone.

They really need to put more effort into naming powerful entities/frightening creatures. “Nix” sounds like a stain-remover. But if they’re stuck with that moniker, how about a modifier, like Metaverse Nix, Ranch-Flavored Nix or simply, Nix Extreme?   

V/H/S/99 / October 20, 2022 / Shudder™ 

“A thirsty teenager’s home video leads to a series of horrifying revelations.”

Um, what exactly is a “thirsty teenager”? Thirsty for what? Certainly not Smart Water™ as no amount of A.I. added to expensive tap water could do anything to improve any teen’s cognitive abilities. What’s left — Fanta Piña Colada™? Pibb Xtra™? Coca-Cola Cinnamon™? (Actually, while it’s seriously unhealthy for you, Coca-Cola Cinnamon™ ain’t half bad, which is why I only drank half the case I bought on Amazon.com. Saving the other half for tomorrow.) 

As for the movie, all I know is that it’s part of the VHS horror franchise (V/H/S (2012), V/H/S 2 (2013), V/H/S Viral (2014), SiREN (2016), V/H/S 94 (2021). I guess that could make you thirsty for more.

PIGGY / October 14, 2022 (VOD)

“Sara is a teenager in a rural Spanish village who is constantly tormented by ‘the popular girls’, including her former best friend, because of her body type. One day at the local pool she witnesses her bullies violently kidnapped by a mysterious stranger. Sara, who normally feels unable to express herself to both her family and neighbors, suddenly faces a moral dilemma as she must decide between saving her tormentors from a bloody end or giving into the desire for revenge.”

Revenge. The answer is ALWAYS revenge. 

CURSE OF CROM: THE LEGEND OF HALLOWEEN / Release pending 2022/2023

“High school teenagers accidentally unleash an ancient Irish entity on their hometown and must stop it before midnight on Halloween.”

Spoiler: The Irish entity they speak of is the Lucky Charms™ Leprechaun. Or maybe that guy on all those Irish Spring™ soap commercials. Pure f’n evil.

The Wave: Making A Big Splash

Posted in Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bolgen

Since big screen disaster flicks aren’t just the province of the U.S., it’s cool to see other countries sharing in the forecast of mass destruction. Such is the case with Norway’s first disaster movie, Bølgen, or The Wave. (Looking at the movie poster, I saw the big wave and deduced that was what Bølgen meant. Man, mastering Norwegian is way easy!)

Tafjord

Bølgen/The Wave is based on the real tsunami, which killed 40 people in Norway’s Tafjord in 1934. No wonder, then, that the movie became an instant smash (sorry) hit when it was domestically released in August 2015, with the ominous tag line of “It has happened before. It will not happen again,” or “Det har skjedd før. Det vil skje igjen.” (Geez, it’s like someone kicked the Scrabble™ board.)

Bolgen

Since the main attraction speaks for itself, a plot isn’t really necessary. But for the sake of all you “purists,” here’s what gets taken out with the tide: “Even though awaited, no one is really ready when the mountain pass of Åkneset above the scenic narrow Norwegian fjord Geiranger falls out and creates a 85 meter (278 feet) high violent tsunami. A geologist is one of those caught in the middle of it.”

Bolgen

Sucks to be a geologist.

Haeundae

For more kick ass foreign tidal waves, see Haeundae, (2009), a Korean disaster flick, and Exodus: Gods and Kings (2015), an Egyptian-set spiritual disaster flick.

Exodus: Gods and Kings

P.S. The giant wave in Exodus was caused by bible human rights activist Moses. Like Aquaman, he can make water do whatever he wants, which is why he’ll never lose his soap in murky bathtub water. Think about it.

Spreading the Love Disease

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 6, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Contracted: Phase II

Sometimes icky sex is better than no sex at all. (Disclaimer: this ONLY applies to horror movies.)

In Contracted (2013), a modern horror story about a one-night-stand gone wrong, Samantha, a young gal, has sorta consensual sex with a guy who just had sex with a corpse (he works at a morgue). The next day, after waking up feeling not so fresh, Samantha soon discovers her body is slowly rotting from the inside out. Even if she ate soap sandwiches, it couldn’t stop the progressing ickiness. What to do? Have sex with someone and share the “love.”

Contracted: Phase II

And that’s right where the sequel, Contracted: Phase II (2015) picks up. This guy Riley sorta consensually has sex with Samantha, and doesn’t seem to mind the maggots coming out of her public privates. So now he’s got the love bug:

Phase II follows Riley, one of the last people to come in contact with Samantha, as he scrambles to track down those responsible for the outbreak before the highly contagious disease not only consumes his body, but the world as we know it.”

Contracted: Phase II

Contracted: Phase II comes out on September 25, 2015. You might want to have a bottle of bleach handy to wipe down the TV after you see it. Just in case.