Archive for S&M

Free-Love Vampire

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 26, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Female Vampire

Several things you need to know before you watch Female Vampire (1973). First, there is a LOT of naked nudity. Front, back, upside down, sideways, rolling around, perpendicular… Secondly, it’s sub-titled. But when you have that much sex and naked stuff, sub-titles seem more or less an annoyance.

Female Vampire

Female Vampire is a European horror film about Countess Irina von Karlstein, a young and eerily attractive, fang-less descendant of a family of vampires, who, unable to speak (not with her mouth full all the time), goes around having unsafe sex with anyone, anytime, anywhere. Just so you know, it’s not blood that sustains her. Use some imagineering here.

Female Vampire

And since this is the ‘70s and in Europe, there is an abundance of body hair, all of which is zoomed in on – sometimes uncomfortably close. Which reminds me, I should probably mow the lawn and trim those bushy hedges.

Female Vampire

There’s a plot, but it only gets paid lip service as Irina pays a lot of lip service on her victims and spends most of the movie wearing nothing but a leather belt, knee-high leather boots and a cape. In case she gets cold. I don’t see how as she’s so hot. Heh.

Female Vampire

Unlike Irina, all bases are covered: girl on guy, guy on girl, girl on girl, girl on bed post, girl on bed pillow, girl on bath tub… There’s even an S&M scene thrown in there to make it more continental.

Female Vampire

Female Vampire comes in several varieties/titles: The Bare Breasted Countess, in both hard R-rated and X-rated versions. Regardless, you could say this movie sucks. But that’s the point, is it not?

P.S. Female Vampire is available for streaming on Netflix™. You’re welcome.

Blood Gnomes

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Gnome

A crime scene photographer catches footage of small, toothy creatures that are invisible to all but the camera’s eye. He can’t prove their existence to anyone, but continues to investigate more and more sex-all-the-way murders, each with bodies that were a short time ago doing whips, leather and the meaningful holding of hands.

He finds a fetish gal to help him understand what S&M is all about. (Sodas and Marshmallows – duh.) This plot device is important as it means a LOT of girls get naked.

Blood Gnome

Directed to a conveniently local S&M mistress is the key as she has a giant crate in her “dungeon” containing a toothy, tentacled thingamajig that, when fed blood, gives birth to the “blood gnomes.” A by-product of these births is a milky goo that she sells as X, a powerful drug that makes Ecstasy look like baby aspirin.

Blood Gnomes

The gnomes are onto the photographer as he finally has photographic evidence, even instant-messaging him on his computer as to their demands. (I don’t know how they could type with those pointy claws, let alone find a store that would even sell a computer to a blood gnome.) When the S&M mistress kidnaps the photographer’s new girlfriend (the fetish gal) he has to rescue her. To not do so would totally be insensitive.

Blood Gnome

Shot on hand-held camera, Blood Gnome (2004) manages to rise above its budgetary limitations and actually has an attention-holding plot with some good back endery. Ahem. The grand display of bare boobies makes perfect sense when factored in with an S&M bondage mistress who owns a multi-tentacled creature in her garage.

Yeah, the blood gnomes look a little goofy and way too rubbery, but they get the job done. As do featured star Julie Strain’s monumental hood ornaments, which don’t look at all rubbery.