Archive for Slurpee

Cartoon Werewolves, Magic Cameras, Cruel Tools

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Archie Comics™ was first published in 1939 (as MLJ Magazines™) and has been in print every since. If my Internet math lessons serve me correctly, that’s 83 years as of this blogging. And during that time, the freckle-faced teen Archie Andrews has never graduated Riverdale High School (except that time he dropped acid with his drug dealer Jughead Jones and hallucinated he made it to college, only to drop out and drop more acid). He started a band, had one hit thrash metal song (“Sugar Sugar”) in 1969, and has only nailed Veronica Lodge and Betty Cooper, the two competitive hotties in constant battle to win Archie’s affections, in G-rated fashion. Disappointing.

But what if Archie and pals were recast in a horror comic? Sure, it’s been done before (Jughead: The Hunger, Afterlife With Archie, Vampironica, Archie’s Madhouse, Archie & Friends: Twilight, Archie At Crystal Lake), but now there’s YET ANOTHER ONE titled Happy Horror Days O.S., a two-issue treatment (and two different covers) with the gang going up against Krampus and more. Here are the gripping details… 

“T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a…werewolf? The holidays look a little different in Riverdale this year — Santa’s nowhere in sight but Krampus is on the rampage! Who can take him down? That’s right, WereJug returns to do battle with the horned and hoofed holiday beast with Betty Cooper in his corner! Then, we dive into the true story of the Icelandic yule cat, Jólakötturinn, and her master — Sheila Wu! Finally, Reggie meets a nice girl that he takes to the Mantle family holiday party — but things aren’t as they seem when she systematically dismantles Reggie’s life! The holidays are horrifying in this special horror anthology, that reunites the team of Jughead: the Hunger!”

In all, 32 pages of teenage horror (kinda redundant). Get ‘em here for $3.99. That’s less than Archie would pay on a non-base scoring date with Veronica/Betty. So while you’re making room in your vast collection of Archie Comics™ for two more, here a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have blood flowing as colorful as comic book ink… 

LANDLOCKED / January 6, 2023 (VOD)

“Summoned to his soon-to-be demolished childhood home, Mason discovers an old VHS camera that can see into the past, driving him to record as many memories as possible before the doomed house is destroyed.”

Personally, I’d just set up the camera on a bar top, order refreshing adult beverages until last call and hit the record button. Lather, rinse, repeat.

HUMAN RESOURCES / January 10, 2023 (VOD)

“After starting a job at a creepy hardware store, Sam Coleman uncovers a shocking mystery involving a missing employee. With the help of Sarah, a cynical coworker, Sam plunges into the dark corners of the store and is forced to confront the terrifying forces that lurk just behind the walls.”

Of course terrifying forces lurk there. Hardware stores are one-stop shopping for theme-masked serial killers purchasing essential tools of their trade: trowel with ergonomic grip, reciprocating saw with double-edged bore blade for multidirectional cuts and rounded end for easy plunge cutting, garden hose with adjustable nozzles… A veritable candy land for those in the business of butchering wanting to up their game and add a little pizzazz to their profession.

65 / March 10, 2023 (Theaters)

“After a catastrophic crash on an unknown planet, pilot Mills quickly discovers he’s stranded on Earth…65 million years ago. Now, with only one chance at rescue, Mills and the only other survivor, Koa, must make their way across an unknown terrain riddled with dangerous prehistoric creatures in an epic fight to survive.”

65 million years into the past? Man, that would totally suck — 7-Elevens™ didn’t exist until 1927. That’s a long time to wait for a Mountain Dew Slurpee®.

RAVAGE NATION / Release pending 2023 (DVD)

“In 2036, CV5 was born. A stronger strain, vaccine resistance. Mothers gave birth to hybrid creatures and mutations. Others had zombie-like qualities. A mere bite or scratch and within 12 seconds you were turned. This was the new normal. Beasts hunt man for food and sport.”

Makes sense to hunt man for food and sport. You don’t wanna keep one of those messy things around as a house pet. Just cleaning the litter box alone would make you sick to your stomach.

Horny Space Gargoyles

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Terror Within

At some point during the future, a chemical warfare “oops” happened and everybody died. I’m surprised you didn’t know about it. This turned the world into a post-apocalyptic wasteland, full of dirt, caves and gargoyles. Fortunately, a small group of scientists in matching jumpsuits were able to create an antidote and sequester themselves in an underground science lab. From there they venture out into the dirt to see if anyone is left alive and if so, can they direct them to the nearest 7-Eleven™ (they’re always open) for a refreshing Slurpee™ because damn, it’s hot out there.

The Terror Within

Those who do not come back are presumed ripped into Bacon Bits™ by the surface gargoyles and their food rations dispensed among the inwardly happy survivors. One such patrol yields a supermodel not yet turned into Californian gargoyle wrap. They take her back to the science hole and discover she’s pregnant. One theory as to who the father is. During the extremely truncated gestation period, she gets ready to pop in just a few hours. One doctor chick slices open the mom-to-be’s gut bucket (i.e., stomach), reaches in and pulls out a (you’re NOT gonna believe this) gargoyle. Before the reluctant mother can give it a name, like Rot Face Chew Boy or Dougy, the thing wiggles away and leaves mom ready for a dirt nap.

The Terror WithinThe newborn makes its way into the air vent and grows at an accelerated rate. The rest of the scientists are pretty much screwed — they can’t stay in, yet they can’t go out. A quandary for sure. Now in his teens, the gargoyle puts his raging hormones to use and gets busy with one of the science chicks, who gives birth a half-hour later as well. What the heck is it with gargoyles and their whole “I don’t use condoms, man” ethic?

The Terror Within

The gargoyle resembles an alligator if the alligator was turned inside out and stood on two legs and had rubber-looking feet and claws. It doesn’t need to be said, but those gargoyles are king butt unattractive. With only two scientists (a dude and a chick) remaining, the race is one to get out of the doom tunnel before the gargoyle wants to knock boots again. Smellin’ a party, all the top-side gargoyles come a’runnin’.

The Terror Within

Were it not for a strategically placed bomb (no underground laboratory with limited escape routes should be without one), it could’ve been an all-out slumber party for horny beasts. (If even one of the monsters was from, say, the Castro District in San Francisco, the last remaining science dude would be looking for the nearest phaser to swallow. Okay, that didn’t come out right.) And were it not for the Alien (1979) rip-off scenes and overly long plot padding, I might’ve given the generic The Terror Within (1989), half a zero instead of a full zero.

Merry Christmas, Dracula

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 5, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Christmas At Draculas

Even though it’s grammatically wonky Christmas at Draculas (2015) is in contention for best horror movie title of the decade.

Just think what the holiest time of the year (besides Halloween and National Beer Day) would be like with the Prince of Darkness. I mean, what would you give the guy who has everything? A chew toy? A cherry Slurpee™? A Groupon™ for tooth polish?

So here’s the plot, which has me drooling all over my National Beer Day shirt:

“Told through the eyes of The Invisible Man, Count Dracula has hit rock bottom, so with the help of his noble companion Igor, he decides to throw the greatest Christmas party of all time.”

“He invites The Wolfman, Medusa, The Wicked Witch, Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll and The Invisible Man. But when two killers arrive at the door, things slowly begin to spiral out of control. And Dracula’s faith lies in the hands of one creatureDeath himself!”

I only have one question – How do I score an invite to this party? If anyone can hook a brother up, I’d appreciate it.