Spiders With Passports, Undead Animals, Killer Clothes

Three new key art posters promoting the upcoming (July 5, 2019) release of Spider-Man: Far From Home, the sequel to the smash hit, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017). Spiders…home…I’m sensing a theme here, beacuse who doesn’t have spiders in their home? I don’t, but that’s not the point.

Actually, I don’t have a point, other than Spider-Man: Homecoming was kick ass and I’m webbing my pants in anticipation of the new one.

I’ve already written about Spider-Man: Far From Home and outlined its plot. Only thing I can add is I’m pretty sure Spider-Man gets laid in this one. You go, Peter! (Okay, that didn’t sound as good as it did in my head.)

While we all wait for Spider-Man to squirt sticky fluid out of his…wrists, here are a few now available horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you feeling like you need a cigarette and a nap after watching ’em…

ZOOMBIES 2 (available now)
“Poachers break into an animal preserve to poison the animals they are hunting. However, one of the poison darts actually contains an animal zombie virus instead, causing the surviving poachers and park staff to work together to survive a killer animal outbreak.”

Did you see Zoombies (2016)? Even though the plot is practically the same as the sequel, you should be publicly humiliated for not watching it and… Yeah, I didn’t see it, either.

MERCY BLACK (available now)
Fifteen years after stabbing a classmate to conjure an imaginary phantom known as Mercy Black, Marina Hess is coming home. She’s being released from psychiatric care to live with her sister and young nephew. But in the years since her crime, the myth of Mercy Black has gone viral inspiring Internet rumors, stories, and even copycat crimes. Marina is haunted by what she has done and the phantom she imagined. Though she would rather leave the past buried, her nephew becomes increasingly obsessed with Mercy Black. To save him, Marina must face her past and uncover the truth behind Mercy Black. What she discovers is a very real and very deadly horror that will stop at nothing to claim her and her nephew.”

If I was Slenderman, I’d hire an attorney.

THE HAUNTING OF SUICIDE HOUSE (available now)
“It’s been three years since a local girl murdered her family in cold blood, leaving a trail of theories about what really happened in the house on 101 Black Street.”

If I was The Amityville Horror, I’d hire an attorney.

THE GOWN (available now)
“After discovering that the vintage wedding dress she’s chosen to wear is cursed, a bride-to-be struggles to solve its mystery before it kills everyone in her wedding party.”

A haunted wedding dress. Slashin’, not fashion. Apparently, dry cleaning it with holy steam was a waste of time AND money.

Bigfoot Clothes, Parisian Zombies, Regrettable Face Tattoos

Been looking for a another Bigfoot T-shirt to add to my growing wardrobe of mythological creature-wear. Found this one: a silhouette of Bigfoot and the proclamation: Hide and Seek Champion. Sheer genius. So much so, it now replaces my Slenderman shirt, which failed to live up to its name. (Didn’t make me look slender at all.)

While I continue in my bid to become a cryptid fashionista, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not go with anything in your drawers…

THE NIGHT EATS THE WORLD (March 7, 2018 (France) 2018/2019 (US)
“After waking up in an apartment where only the night before a party was raging, Sam is forced to come to grips with reality: he is now alone and the living dead have invaded the streets of Paris. Petrified with fear, Sam is going to have to barricade himself inside the building and organize his survival. But is he really the sole survivor?”

It’s like they’re not even trying to come up with a plot. So stock is this zombie movie premise, I bet Sam goes back into the building to get caught up on sleep.

LOWLIFE (April 6, 2018)
“Set amidst the seedy underbelly of Los Angeles, Lowlife zigzags back and forth in time as it charts how fate — and a ruthless crime boss — connects three down-and-out reprobates mixed up in an organ harvesting scheme that goes from bad to worse to off-the-rails insane. Careening from savagely funny to just plain savage to unexpectedly heartfelt, this audacious thriller serves up nonstop adrenaline alongside hard-hitting commentary about the state of contemporary America.”

It’s not in the press release, but Lowlife stars a fallen Mexican wrestler with rage issues and a “regrettable face tattoo.” That’d be a great name for a band.

THE FIELD GUIDE TO EVIL (2018)
“They are known as myths, lore, and folk tales. Created to give logic to mankind’s darkest fears, these stories laid the foundation for what we now know as the horror genre.”

For some of us, The Field Guide to Evil is merely walking into The Tug Tavern. You WILL encounter your darkest fear just inside the bathroom door.

TELL ME YOUR NAME (2018/2019)
“After a troubled childhood, Ashley searches for a connection, and unknowingly invites in a demonic force, which leaves her loved ones fighting for her soul.”

I’ve always wondered why demonic forces want your soul. It’s not like they’re collectibles to put on a shelf next to the jars of grape-flavored eyeballs and still-beating hearts in maraschino juice. That, and most souls are not quite mint-in-box. Like mine, for instance.

13 Fridays, Raiding Tombs, Killer Mom

Behold, the new key art poster for Channel Zero: No End House. I hear tell they’re gonna use the Brian Russell tale on Creepypasta.com, where they got the entire 6-episode plot for Channel Zero: Candle Cove (2016).

If you haven’t seen it, you might wanna watch it and fill your pants with creepy pasta (home of the Slenderman legend). It’s some of the spookiest TV on television. Okay, that was a bit redundant. So what — I drink.

While we’re waiting for Channel Zero: No End House to debut on the SyFy Channel™ on September 20, 2017, here are a few horror, sci-fi and fantasy adventure movies to get your pasta pot boiling….

THE 13th FRIDAY (October 7, 2017)
“When a female refugee discovers an ancient demonic device that opens the gateway to another realm, she unleashes a dark entity that poses as her daughter. After many failed attempts to have the church explain the creation of her worst nightmares, she learns that the house is cursed by an enraged spirit that died on Friday the 13th. And now a group of thrill seeking friends unknowingly unleash its wrath and damn their souls.”

Clever — take the iconic branding of Friday the 13th, swap the letters around just a bit, and then ride the coattails of a successful franchise with a weak plot/script. I should try that with my bar tab.

NIGHTMARE CINEMA (2017)
“This anthology centers on a series of down-on-their-luck individuals who enter the decrepit and spine-chilling Rialto Theater, only to have their deepest and darkest fears brought to life on the silver screen by The Projectionist – a mysterious, ghostly figure who holds the nightmarish futures of all who attend his screenings. By the time our patrons realize the truth, escape is no longer an option.”

Borrows heavily from the Italian gore fest Demons (1985), in which move-goers are trapped in a theater during a screening of a violent horror movie, unbeknown that they themselves are about to become infected demon gore zombies that shred each other into half-chewed Twizzlers™. Once again, life imitates art.

TOMB RAIDER (March 16, 2018)
“Lara Croft is the fiercely independent daughter of an eccentric adventurer who vanished years earlier. Hoping to solve the mystery of her father’s disappearance, Croft embarks on a perilous journey to his last-known destination — a fabled tomb on a mythical island that might be somewhere off the coast of Japan. The stakes couldn’t be higher as Lara must rely on her sharp mind, blind faith and stubborn spirit to venture into the unknown.”

This reboot is already getting taken to task on the Internet for the poor Photoshopping of Alicia Vikander (Lara Croft) in the key art. It looks like she has a horse neck. Maybe she works out a lot and has hulk bulked her lateral flexion.

APPLECART (2017/2018)
“A caring mother loses her sanity, setting off a chain of events resulting in tragedy and murder. The story of Casey Pollack unfolds from two very different perspectives when one night in the woods culminates in absolute terror.”

Only one thing that can set off a caring mother, turning her into a murderer — stretching Saran Wrap™ over the toilet seat, then lowering the lid. When mom has to tinkle, stand back and wait for the fun/murder. That may or may not have happened to me during my prankster years (grade 4 through 12).

Amityville Overdose, Slenderman Diet, Human Popsicles

Just when you think they couldn’t milk one more drop out of the Amityville Horror movie franchise cow, now word comes down the udder that 1974, a movie based on the true murders that happened in the infamous Amityville house, is going into production in September, 2017. This will be the 20th such Amytiville movie since 1979. That’s about 19 too many. (By comparison, the Friday the 13th series steps up to the empty plate with a mere 12 titles. In your hockey mask, Jason — ha!)

From the Internet: “On November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. shot and killed six members of his family at 112 Ocean Avenue, a large Dutch Colonial house situated in a suburban neighborhood in Amityville, on the south shore of Long Island, NY. He was convicted of second-degree murder in November 1975. In December 1975, George and Kathy Lutz and their three children moved into the house. After 28 days, the Lutzes left the house, claiming to have been terrorized by paranormal phenomena while living there.”

This, of course, was the basis for the first movie. And a good one it was, providing neat jump moments, scary this and thats, a flying pig with glowing eyes (better than it sounds), and a bunch of flies forming a halo around a preachy preacher. (A nod to Alice Cooper on that one.)

So why do we need YET ANOTHER Amityville horror movie? Because apparently there’s a significant number of you out there that weren’t even born when the movie first came out. How is that even possible? Suggestion: If you know how to read, try the Jay Anson book (The Amityville Horror: A True Story/1979) of the horrific account first, though. Bonus: you won’t have to plug it in.

Speaking of things you won’t be able to swipe to the left, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth the flick of the wrist…

WITCH’S DOLL (2017)
“Ambitious young true crime writer Adeline Gray travels to a remote English village to unravel the mystery behind a family’s murder. While investigating the prime suspect’s now derelict ‘Manor in the woods’, she notices a creepy life-size Victorian doll is following her from room-to-room. After a series of terrifying and inexplicable events, she believes the doll is carrying a hateful spirit wanting to be left alone. Desperate for a career defining story, Adeline’s persistent search for answers soon puts her too at the mercy of the Witch’s Doll.”

Yep, a complete and utter RIP-OFF of Annabelle, the evil doll from The Conjuring/Annabelle: Creation RIP-OFFS. And it should come as no surprise this comes from The Asylum, who have made a thriving career out of RIPPING OFF other people’s intellectual property. Feeling RIPPED OFF? You should.

REALIVE (October 3, 2017)
“Marc experiences a terrible shock when, at just 32, he is diagnosed with a disease and is given one year to live, at best. Unable to accept his death, he decides to freeze his body before the disease can impair it. Sixty years later, an institution called Prodigy Health Corporation manages to revive him. Although his return to life comes with many medical complications, his body clings to life. It’s the soul that is harder to heal.”

I’m soulless, so bringing me back from a frozen stasis to remove that pesky purple thing on my neck isn’t an argument. And the whole “human snow cone” thing should fall under my discount medical coverage. It better.

SLENDERMAN (Friday, May 18, 2018)
“A tall, thin horrifying figure with unnaturally long arms and a featureless face, is reputed to be responsible for the haunting and disappearance of countless children and teens.”

Getting rid of kids and teens? Gotta say — I’m already liking this man of slender. If this catches on, what do you bet they’ll come out with the Slenderman Diet program?

TABBOT’S TRAVELING CARNIVALE OF TERRORS (October 31 2018)
“This traveling carnival, a well-oiled machine of malignant deception moving into its third generation of grinding up choice guests and spitting them out, runs according to its own twisted family plan. Each Tabbott plays their part: Papa, the ringleader and ringmaster; Mama, the fat witch on her throne; the children: Bobbie, a seductively cunning fortune teller; Buck, the temperamental werewolf; Elijah, a silent scarecrow; and their darling Emma, the ghostly child you’d do well not to ignore.”

Sounds like they’re descendants of 1964’s 2000 Maniacs. In that gruesomely brutal (yet still kinda funny) one, people were lured into a small Deep South town for a Centennial celebration where the residents graphically killed them into picnic-sized portions. Had something to do with revenge, the Civil War and the people who just can’t seem to let the loss go.

Cartoon Zombies, Tent Snakes, Slenderman’s Cousin

Read a press statement that the advanced screening for the new Wonder Woman movie was for women only — no dudes allowed. You can bet your U by Kotex Barely There® Thong Panty Liners that if the situation were reversed, girls would be screaming bloody murder.

While you ponder that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies — allowed to be read by women AND men — while I go outside and scream bloody murder…

SEOUL STATION (May 30, 2017/iTunes)
“As the sun sets around Seoul Station, an old man thought to have died sinks his teeth into the warm flesh of a homeless person. Soon, the streets are filled with vicious zombies desperate to feed. Hae-sun, a runaway, witnesses the frightening sight while her father Suk-gyu and boyfriend desperately search for her. As the attacked become the attackers, the government declares a lock out of the station, leaving the uninfected to struggle desperately against the dangerous undead. With zombie numbers exploding, people without a home to return to, now have to flee without a place to run to in order to survive.”

This is an animated (or “cartoon”) prequel to Train To Busan, 2016’s best zombie movie. Haven’t seen TtB yet? How dare you? It’s on Netflix™ and various other viewable platforms. I prefer to view it from the platform of my couch.

ROGUE WARRIOR: ROBOT FIGHTER (June 2, 2017)
“In the distant future, artificial intelligence rules Earth, but one woman has a plan to find a mythical weapon that represents humanity’s only hope of salvation.”

Actually, she has two mythical weapons. Don’t make me explain this.

DON’T HANG UP (June 12, 2017/UK, June 26, 2017/US)
“Following a long tradition of cocky teenage boys with too much time on their hands, Brady, Sam, and Mosley like to amuse themselves by making prank calls. However, their cellular diversions are intensified by the extreme nature of the pranks they put their unsuspecting victims through, and the delight and encouragement they receive when they post videos of their hijinks online for maximum humiliation. Having pushed the wrong person too far, they find themselves on the other side of a call, and an evening intended for normal high school revelry turns increasingly bloody as their unknown assailant ramps up a prank of his own.”

Ugh — more social media teen horror. With a plot of borrows (or “steals”) from a dozen other movies, I bet they made it for $1. Hope they double their money at the box office.

BETTER WATCH OUT (October 6, 2017/Limited)
“On a quiet suburban street tucked within a ‘safe neighborhood’, a babysitter must defend a twelve-year-old boy from strangers breaking into the house, only to discover that this is far from a normal home invasion.”

This one’s also being called Safe Neighborhood. Neither title works, so might I suggest, Home Alone.

SERPENT (2017)
“A husband and wife on a romantic escape out in the wild quickly turns deadly when they are trapped in a tent with a poisonous snake.”

Pfffft — she didn’t call it poisonous on their honeymoon.

FLAY (2017)
“An estranged daughter who, after the death of her mother, struggles to save her brother and those around her from a malevolent faceless spirit.”

Slenderman called and he wants his faceless face back.

KUDZU ZOMBIES (2017)
“Lonnie must lead a mismatched group of survivors to the local air strip to escape a deadly zombie horde after an experimental chemical enters the food chain, transforming the citizens of Charleston, MS into monsters.”

Spoiler: the “experimental chemical” was chipotle and it was used illegally on a hamburger instead of a taco. And the zombies aren’t monsters but rather p*ssed off fast food customers wanting their $1.99 (plus tax) refunded in full.

Teen Exorcisms, Tall Phantoms, Big Pigs

Finished binge watching the third season of From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series (2014 – 2017) and the Gecko Brothers locked horns with the Queen of Hell. Gotta say, in human form, she’s quite the looker. But in demon shape she has black/blue lava textured skin, well-flossed snake fangs, Predator hair and a dress Morticia Addams would kill for. Not seeing how she differs from all the other gals at the bowling alley, though.

Speaking of things not that different, here’s a pile of upcoming horror that you’ve seen before, whether you bowl or not…

AMERICAN EXORCIST (May 2, 2017 / VOD — August 1, 2017/DVD)
“Damon Richter thought he left the world of possessions, exorcisms and evil behind until an old friend arrives with frightening information about his estranged daughter knowing that only his otherworldly skills can save her.”

The possessed teen is probably just going through puberty, in which case, we’re ALL doomed. Dude, just sprinkle anything labeled Clinique around the house, buy her an iPhone™ and NEVER come into her room without knocking, lest ye be damned.

EVEN LAMBS HAVE TEETH (May 2, 2017)
“Dreaming of a trip to NYC, the beautiful Sloane and Katie leave for the countryside to earn money working on an organic farm. But on the way they are kidnapped and abused by a sinister family of small-town psychopaths. When the girls finally escape, they decide to return to the scene of the crime and settle the score. It’s not pretty.”

So organic farm hippie chicks have a streak for revenge. How do they think they’re gonna do that — make their torturers eat canned vegetables loaded with GMOs? As for small town psychopaths, aren’t they pretty much in every small town? This is what happens to society when you have no 7-Eleven™ or Starbucks™ within impulsive spitting distance.

TALL MEN (May 9, 2017)
“Terrence Mackleby claims bankruptcy after being over $80,000 in debt. His private world is turned upside down when Terrence is visited by strange demons and tall phantoms in business suits after he applies for a mysterious black credit card, in this nightmarish Holbrookian vision.”

This one used to be called Customer 152. I like Tall Men slightly better, though said height gifted men look like Slenderman’s neighbors. So demons and phantoms wear business suits to work. I guess casual Fridays don’t apply in other dimensions.

BOAR (2017)
Boar showcases the harsh and beautiful Australian landscape. Lurking within this picturesque setting is a dark and terrifying threat — a beast of staggering size with an uncontrollable desire for blood and destruction. Driven by its insatiable appetite for carnage, it defends its territory with brutal force and savagely takes on any who get in its way.”

With a press release this generic, all you have to do is swap out the title to Razorback (1984), Pighunt (2008), Chaw (aka, Chawz, 2009), Hogzilla (2014). But you’d already know that if you read my preview of this one back in November 4, 2015 (And it still doesn’t have a specific release date, but sometime in 2017.) I’ll re-state it: they should change the movie’s name to Bore.

REARVIEW (2017/2018)
“Nicky is a young woman traveling alone to meet her band mates — through the back roads of the British countryside — who escapes the clutches of a dangerous stranger. Her road trip soon turns from bad to worse as she finds herself running for her life as she attempts to escape a serial killer and the hordes of predatory locals in the area known as ‘The Highway of Tears’.”

This one smells like 1986’s The Hitcher. Hope she’s the singer of the band. Can you imagine if she was the drummer? Hauling a drumset around the British countryside, let alone from the band van to the backstage door, is a royal pain in the tom tom.

Healthy Horror

Drugs and horror movies are similar in that they’re both addictive. But drugs taken out of moderation can wreck your life and/or face, whereas horror movies are nutritious and watching them makes you a better — and healthier — person. That should be a goal for 2017 — to become a horror movie addicted, better and healthier YOU.

I should be a life coach. I don’t know about you, but here’s how I plan on staying healthy this year…

BEWARE THE SLENDER MAN (January 23, 2017/HBO)
“Slender Man is a fictitious, abnormally tall, faceless man with long arms who stalks and abducts children. In 2014, he inspired real-life horror as two 12-year-old girls in Wisconsin lured a friend into the woods and stabbed her 19 times in an effort to “appease” the fictional entity.”

2017 might very well be the year of Slender Man, with this and another movie slated for release before the spring. If he catches on you might see some cool cross marketing, like Slender Man Weight Loss programs, where you don’t just cut calories, you kill them. Heh.

THE GIRL WITH ALL THE GIFTS (January 26, 2017/DirecTV; February 24, 2017/VOD limited)
“The near future — humanity has been all but destroyed by a mutated fungal disease that eradicates free will and turns its victims into flesh-eating “hungries.” Only a small group of children seem immune to its effects.”

Pffft — the “mutated fungal disease that eradicates free will” has been around for years. It’s called “television.”

PERSONAL SHOPPER (March 10, 2017)
“Kristen Stewart stars as a high-fashion personal shopper to the stars who is also a spiritual medium. Grieving the recent death of her twin brother, she haunts his home, determined to make contact with him.”

I wish I had a personal shopper/spiritual medium. It’d be neat to have someone go to the Piggly Wiggly Superstore™ and buy me some new britches and then divine whether or not people will like them. Could save a lot of emotional grief if you ask me.

BEDEVILED (2017)
“Alice and her friends are teens like any other — social and tethered to their devices. When they download the latest Siri-like app offering quick solutions to life’s quotidian, the friends soon discover the app offers much more than directions and places to eat. So much more. The app probes the teens’ deepest fears, manifesting these fears in the real world in a diabolical quest to terrorize its unwitting users to death.”

Quotidian? Only a few days into the new year and that is easily the most pretentious word display in a horror movie press release for 2017. (Quotidian means “ordinary or everyday, especially when mundane,” which seems to apply to Bedeviled’s plot.)