Archive for skin diver

Sharks With Tan Lines

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Malibu Shark Attack

Underwater earthquakes off the coast of California release a school of prehistoric sharks hell bent on eating anything wearing a bikini. And these Goblin sharks do a LOT of gobblin’: surfers, skin divers, swimmers — anything that rhymes with food.

Malibu Shark Attack

So what were the sharks doing for a million years while buried under the ocean? Playing cards, would be my guess. Probably Go Fish™. Don’t give me that look — that joke was gold.

Malibu Shark Attack

The earthquakes cause a tsunami, which obliterates those suns of beaches. In a genius move four lifeguards and two beachers make it into a lifeguard stand and ride out the Big Wave. Never mind that the lifeguard stand is basically painted balsa wood that manages to take a direct hit from the wave without snapping into toothpicks, or that the tsunami crushes everything else into jellyfish.

Malibu Shark Attack

The survivors (for now) are trapped in the shelter with Goblin sharks skinny-dipping around them. Brilliant, I tell you. The sharks, unfortunately, meet their seafood destiny at the end of a Black & Decker™ chainsaw (B&D should use that in their marketing brochures.)

Malibu Shark Attack

Goblin sharks have cartoonish protruding snouts, which look like novelty-store noses. Only thing missing is over-sized eye-glasses and squirting flowers on their lapels. They look stupid. Malibu Shark Attack (2009) is stupid. I’m stupid. Oh, yeah? Well, so are you. So there.