Zombies, Demons and Santa

The hardest part about shoveling my way through the Internet (or “world  wide web”) is finding potential brainertainment (fun times for your frontal lobe) and then never actually getting to see it. I chalk that up to Republicans.

Regardless of that particular crushing disappointment, I’ll continue to slip on my digital hip-waders and go fishin’ for your/my/our horror super fun happy times. To that…

ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE (out now)
“Fifteen years ago a peaceful Christmas neighborhood was engulfed by fear when five-year-old Jamie Garrett was mysteriously taken from her bedroom, never to be seen again. Now on Christmas break, Rachel Kimmel comes home from college to find her neighborhood struck again by a reign of terror. A violent killer is hiding behind a grisly Santa mask, leaving a bloody trail of slaughtered women and castrated men on the steps of the Garrett house. Rachel finds herself in a horrifying nightmare as she discovers the twisted secret behind the mask.”

After countless Christmas horror movies, Santa – however evil or f’d up – isn’t scary anymore. I’ll still watch this (man, I just don’t know why), but if you want some seriously f’d up Kris Kringle action, put Krampus (2015), Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010), and Sint (2010) on the ’ol Victrola.

THE MONSTER (October 6, 2016 / DirecTV; November 11, 2016 (VOD / Limited)
“Mother and daughter trapped and tormented in a black forest by a screeching creature – it is unlike anything heard before. Not human. Not animal. Like a thousand horses, like a mother’s clamor, a baby’s wail, a father’s howl. Only a mother’s protective love, her most primal instinct, can save her daughter from what’s lurking in the darkness.”

Screeching creature. Sounds like an ex-wife. Or soon-to-be ex-wife.

DAY OF RECKONING (October 8, 2016)
“The story begins fifteen years in the past when the world suffered a horrific global disaster when millions of demon-like creatures ascended from the bowels of the earth, swarming the entire planet, and feasting on mankind for one full day. This event became known as the Day of Reckoning. A less-than-perfect husband and father tries to save his broken family from the return of the demon-creatures in modern day Los Angeles.”

It appears they took the premise of The Purge (2013), replaced the fake monsters with real ones, and are covering this slaughter salad with a tangy gory dressing. Crud – now I’m hungry.

ZOMBIES (October 21, 2016)
“A virus leaves the world in shambles and plagued by blood-thirsty zombies. Will Luke and his crew have enough strength and ammunition to stay alive long enough to outlive the undead?”

A virus? Really? They couldn’t come up with something even slightly original, the title notwithstanding? It’s annoying enough ANYONE is making YET ANOTHER zombie movie. But to rely on a plot device so overused it could have come from 99% of every other zombie movie since Night of the Living Dead (1968)? And I thought I was lazy when I throw my slipper at the TV channel to change it.

P.S. I don’t really wear slippers. I meant to say flippers. Hey, they’re suprisingly comfortable. Who knew?

Putting a Krampus In Christmas

For every god there’s a devil. For every Batman there’s a Joker. For every plaid there’s a stripe. For every peanut butter, there’s a jelly. So it stands to reason that for every Santa there’s a Krampus, a sort of evil opposite Santa Claus. And because of that, the Krampus makes for great horror movie fodder.

Arriving just in time for Christmas (4th of July for Jesus), Krampus – releasing December 4, 2015 – looks to put a cramp on the biggest commercial holiday of the year. Here’s how jolly this one’s gonna get…

“A horror-comedy, Krampus tells the story of young Max, who turns his back on Christmas as his dysfunctional family comes together and comically clashes over the holidays. When they accidentally unleash the wrath of Krampus – an ancient entity from European folklore – all hell breaks loose and beloved holiday icons take on a monstrous life of their own. Now, the fractured family is forced to unite if they hope to survive.”

There was a Krampus on campus several years ago: Krampus: The Christmas Devil (2013). It went like this: “Jeremy, a local police officer, leads a life of a confusing past, spending his current time searching for his kidnapper as a child. After other children begin missing, Jeremy pieces together the truth and realizes that his childhood kidnapper could be a creature of ancient yuletide lore, Krampus, who is the brother of St. Nick, and punisher of children who perform acts of unspeakable evil without repercussion.”

I like the business model. And if these seasonal slashers get you in the mood, try Rare Exports (2010), featuring 100 naked Santa Claus’ running down  a snowy hill with their sleigh bells a’ringin’.

And hey, for your zombie Santa needs, there’s Sint (2010), who rides an evil horse on roof tops, slaughtering children and not leaving gifts. (Man, that’s just mean.) How the evil horse doesn’t slip on the icy roofs is a testimony to Sint’s power. I fear him.