Archive for Shark Attack In The Mediterranean

Shark Alarm

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shark Attack in the Mediterranean

In Shark Attack In The Mediterranean (aka, Hai-Alarm auf Mallorca/2004)A helicopter pilot’s wife was sampled by a huge shark, which left him grief-stricken and unable to take his leather coat off in the hot sun. So he moves his supermodel-in-training daughter to the Mediterranean (Mallorca, to be exact, but I don’t know where in the ocean that is) and flies a different helicopter around while his daughter takes tourists on super fun shark-diving excursions.

Shark Attack in the Mediterranean

Then there’s his police officer best friend whose wife is dying of cancer stuff. Then there’s a jet-ski race. Then there’s a supermodel marine biologist who just happens to go for guys who wear leather jackets in the hot sun. She ends up working for a science firm giving enemas to sharks to find out why those mindless eating machines don’t get cancer. (See how this is all starting to tie together?)

Shark Attack in the MediterraneanBodies start to wash up on the beach, which makes leather coat man all uptight, especially after he pulls a tooth the size of a hubcap out of a floater. Now all he has to do is convince everyone he’s not crazy by running down the beach yelling, “Shark alarm! Shark alarm!” He does this 11 times (I counted). Shark Attack in the Mediterranean

When you do get to see the shark, it’s somewhat impressive (i.e., it doesn’t look too fake). It swims as fast as Aquaman on crystal meth, though, which means if you get in the water you’re gonna end up as ocean lasagna. The mega gripe here is that most of the time is spent on the tedious sub-plots and not what we paid good money to see, which is the giant shark’s digestive system in action. 

Shark Attack in the Mediterranean

Where it gets good for 30 seconds is when Megalodon swallows a jet-ski. Too bad there wasn’t anyone on it, a sea hippie perhaps. And leather coat man? He totally pulls a Batman and hangs from the struts of a helicopter to take a rifle shot at the shark, which doesn’t seem to have a problem launching out of the water like a Crest-sponsored Polaris missile.

Shark Attack in the Mediterranean

So if L-coatman was dangling from the copter, who was flying it? Why, his supermodel marine biologist girlfriend, of course! And you thought they only taught about stinky fish in oceanography school. You must feel pretty dumb right about now. The best line in the whole movie: “He’s young and Spanish — no wonder my daughter is attracted to him.” ¡Conseguido eso la derecha, gringo!