If you did/didn’t see Shin Godzilla (2016), you’ll still have a gnawing urge to buy the insanely detailed “frozen” Godzilla action model, complete with that awesome mutated tail. (Note: If you didn’t see Shin Godzilla, please unread the previous sentence as it will spoil your TV dinner.)
Bandai™ is selling said model/action figure/occasional table guardian in July, 2018 (I don’t know when that is) and the SH MonsterArts design will set you back $132.00 U.S. bit coins, though there is no North America release date scheduled. This means you’ll have to fly to Japan, get a hotel, take a taxi to the nearest toy store, buy the model, go back to the hotel and drink up all the mini-bar beverages, and fly all the way back home and build a nightstand shrine for it. Or you can order it online. Whatev.
While you pack your suitcase (leave room for some duty-free saki purchasable at the Narita Airport), here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that probably don’t rent for $132.00…
DOOMSDAY DEVICE (available now)
“Two FBI agents trying to arrest several crooks who find an ancient Japanese artifact of enormous power. Now, they must stop the crooks from delivering the stone to the criminal mastermind, who is a rich businessman.”
They don’t tell you what the “enormously powerful” stone does, but looking at the key art, it appears to control the weather. Wish I could do that. If so, I’d make it rain on everybody’s parade except mine. Now that I think of it, maybe I’ll make it purple rain. And it’ll stain like nobody’s business.
ATLANTIC RIM RESURRECTION (available now)
“Mech-bots, with even bigger and badder weapons than their predecessors, attempt to stop bio-mechanical monsters from descending on LA. But the monsters are stronger, leaving the pilots of the mech-bots scrambling to defeat the creatures.”
Could’ve predicted this one without the help of those 1-800 psychics. Once AGAIN The Asylum is cashing in on someone else’s intellectual property to make a cheap knock-off and a quick buck. Atlantic Rim Resurrection, of course, is the sequel to Atlantic Rim (2013), which “borrowed” from Pacific Rim, and now Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), the upcoming sequel, as well. Be careful walking by Asylum’s offices; if they look out the window and see what you’re wearing, by the time you get to the end of the block, the staff will all be dressed exactly like you.
ALPHA GATEWAY (available now)
“A particle physicist grieving over the loss of her husband in a car crash travels to a parallel world to find him again, with dire consequences for her family.”
Um, is this not a main part of the story arc of CW’s hit TV series, The Flash? Every time Barry Allen, oops, I mean the Flash (dang — I just gave away his secret identity) travels either forward or backward in time, he messes up everyone’s chi. Also, this plot takes liberty from The Butterfly Effect (2004). But if you’ve been traveling back and forth in time, you already knew that.
TEDDY BEARS ARE FOR LOVERS (2018/2019)
“During a college-wide Valentine’s Day party, a 20-something Casanova is targeted by a group of blood thirsty, adorable Teddy Bears seeking revenge for the hearts he has broken, and must confront his ex-girlfriends to break the curse.”
Bloodthirsty Teddy Bears. So this is what the bottom of the idea barrel looks like.
Drinkin' & Drive-in 