Archive for Science Fiction

Edible Monsters, Rubberized Evil, Reanimated Relatives

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jell-O Monster Slime

Did you watch Ghostbusters (1984) and ever want to take a bite out of Slimer, that hot dog-guzzling poltergeist that looks like a big green, lumpy marshmallow with a mouth? Of course you did. And now you can with Jell-O™ Monster Slime, edible, um, goop (or something that rhymes with it), that pays loose homage to that iconic sticky ghost.

Jell-O Monster Slime

Available for pre-order on Amazon.com (14.8 ounces), this 100% digestible lime gunk will sell for $10 (give or take) and will be available at select stores (probably in the bathroom plumbing department of The Home Depot™) on December 10, 2018. Watch how fast I don’t go there.

Unicorn Slime / Monster Slime

In case Monster Slime™ isn’t your taste (heh), they also have Unicorn Slime™, which is pink and strawberry-flavored. There’s a joke in there somewhere. While I try and come up with a non-offensive punchline, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not gum up your internal plumbing…

Elizabeth Harvest

ELIZABETH HARVEST (December 4, 2018)
“Newlywed Elizabeth arrives with her brilliant scientist husband Henry to his magnificent estate, where he wows her with lavish dinners and a dazzling tour of the property. The house staff Claire and Oliver treat her deferentially but she can’t shake the feeling something is off. Henry explains that everything in his world now belongs to her, all is for her to play in — all except for a locked-off room he forbids her from entering. When he goes away for business, Elizabeth decides to investigate.”

This plot echoed around the gas chamber that is the inside of my head, so I decided to investigate (click madly the mouse): Turns out, Elizabeth Harvest is a science fiction re-imagining of the French folktale of Bluebeard (1697), in which a violent nobleman in the habit of murdering his wives is confronted by a new wife trying to avoid the fate of her predecessors. Sounds like an extreme case of buyer’s remorse.

Replicas

REPLICAS (January 11, 2019)
“A scientist becomes obsessed with bringing back his family members who died in a traffic accident.”

Keanu Reeves — on a hot roll following the John Wick movies (extremely cool badass) — looks to be playing a modern day Victor Frankenstein here. I wish him well with all his science-y skills to achieve the desired results. Ironically, though, all he really needs is a shovel and some sort of…pet sematary.

Child's Play

CHILD’S PLAY (June 21, 2019)
“A mother gives her son a toy doll for his birthday, unaware of its more sinister nature.”

This plot also sounds suspiciously familiar. Could’a sworn I saw something very similar back in…1988. Something about a doll possessed by evil or a facsimile thereof.

Bonejangles 2: Bride of Bonejangles

BONEJANGLES 2: BRIDE OF BOJANGLES (2019)
Picking up after the events of Bonejangles, supernatural serial killer, Edgar Friendly Junior, a.k.a. Mr. Bonejangles, is inadvertently resurrected by a mysterious and sinister cult of followers of the succubus witch, Rowena. Mr. Bonejangles wastes no time picking up where he left off and sets his sights on hapless police officer Doug Partridge, the one who got away from him. But Rowena’s followers have plans of their own on Bonejangles…plans that may spell doom for the very world itself.”

Didn’t see the first Bonejangles movie (2017), so I have no idea what the heckaroo they’re talking about. And as for the plans that spell doom for the world, a lot of movies make the same claim. My question: When are any of you gonna make good with that promise? Getting tired of waiting around.

A Truly Crappy Horror Movie

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

13: Game of Death

Pusit is having a bad day — and it’s about to get worse. A musical instrument salesman in Thailand, Pusit’s top client was nabbed by a ladder-climber co-worker and was fired. Then his car was repossessed. Then his mom calls and needs to borrow money he doesn’t have. And there’s a fly that keeps buzzing around his face. Then he gets an unusual cell phone call telling him that if he can kill the fly with that rolled up newspaper at his feet, 10,000 baht (Thailand dollars) will be put in his bank account. Smacko!

13: Game of Death

The phone rings again showing his bank account has been credited. Then the caller issues another challenge: eat the dead fly and more money will be put in his account. Yummy. His phone rings again with more money verified. (That never happens to me.)

13: Game of Death

Then the game begins. The mysterious caller issues a challenge: complete 13 “games” and 100 million baht ($318,347,000.00 in U.S. funds — I checked) will be his.

13: Game of Death

The tasks start out simple, like making at least three children cry. But it’s the restaurant “game” that’s really tough to watch. Pusit is instructed to walk into a four-star eatery where he is seated and brought a covered dish. The caller says he must eat what’s under the dish in order to go to the next level. The lid comes off and it’s a big plate of something that belongs in a toilet, with gravy and a broccoli floret and slice of tomato. You may not want to watch this scene as he takes his first bite — and finishes the job, even licking the plate. I had to stop the movie right there and go brush my teeth with Clorox™. 

13: Game of Death

The subsequent challenges get a little more tough, each with consequences. Most of this stuff is funny, but the movie takes a slow harsh turn involving a wire clothesline, a Samurai sword, a little dog and a poop lollipop (sorry, made that last one up).

13: Game of Death

The tension gets to the point where you’re really rooting for Pusit as he’s trying like hell to play the game right. But now the cops are after him, as is his co-worker chick friend who discovers what “the game” is and sets out to stop it before any more harmless crap gets eaten.

13: Game of Death

The ending  of 13: Game of Death (2006) is not what you’d expect or predict, and when you think about it, is the only way to tie things up. An intense flick, for sure; You aren’t gonna see many this bizarre or tasty (kidding). Just have your toothbrush standing by.

Underwater Love, Ancient Alligator, Rehab Werewolf

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aquaman

They — and I have no idea who “they” are — just released a slew (from the Irish Gaelic sluagh, meaning “multitude”) of Aquaman (December 21, 2018) character posters, one even including Aquaman himself wearing his classic DC Comics™ orange/green scaly costume. Not sure how I feel about that since showing Aquaman swimming around in leather pants in Justice League (2017) was somewhat…intriguing.

Black Manta/King Nereus

Love the new posters: Black Manta (with the football shape of his head, how does he keep headphones from slipping off?), King Nereus on a seahorse (I got mine from the back of a comic book), Queen Atlanna (I would totally bow to her bathing suit area any day), and Princess Mera, Aquaman’s on/off girlfriend. (Wonder if she could give me swimming lessons? I’d pretend to drown so she’d have to perform mouth-to-mouth on me — for, like a half hour, followed by a refreshing adult beverage, some seafood appetizers and a little skinny dipping — not necessarily in that order.)

Queen Atlanna / Princess Mera

While I go shopping for a new swim suit that doesn’t zip up the back, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as Clams Casino

Crocodylus

CROCODYLUS (2018)
“A dark secret is unearthed by a local farmer. Local paleontologists reveal its the remains of a prehistoric monster Crocodylus. It’s trible seal has been broken unleashing terror upon the local towns people.”

As bat-sh*t crazy as the world seems to be right now, you know we’re okay when we get another giant crocodile movie. Let’s hope this croc has a taste for politicians. That would be ironic as politicians tend to leave a sour taste in one’s mouth/gaping jaws of doom.

Among The Shadows

AMONG THE SHADOWS (2018/2019)
Kristy Wolfe is a Brussels private eye descended from werewolves who must go to work when her uncle Harry Goldtsone is murdered in a politically-motivated attack. Patricia Sherman, the wife of European Federation President Richard Sherman, hires Wolfe to investigate Goldstone’s killing, as he was her husband’s campaign manager. Wolfe finds bodies falling all over city and must use her innate instincts to unravel the case and stay alive long enough unmask the conspiracy.”

Two things: werewolf movie = neato. Secondly, waaay too much plot getting in the way of fur where there was no fur before. (Yeah, I used that joke before — I’m sure you’ll find a way to get over it.)

Captive State

CAPTIVE STATE (March 29, 2019)
“Set in a Chicago neighborhood nearly a decade after an occupation by an extraterrestrial force, Captive State explores the lives on both sides of the conflict — the collaborators and dissidents.”

Aliens becoming our master overlords. Y’know this might make for a good TV series as well. They could call it Alien Nation or V or Falling Skies or The Invaders or Earth: Final Conflict or…

STARFISH (2019)
A young woman who struggles with the death of her best friend while trying to assemble a series of clues left on mixtapes in order to stop a monstrous end to the world as we know it.”

It figures the end of the world would end up on mixtapes. Who made this film — some dumbass dorm student who thinks social media is a substitute for actually having a real life?

The Final Dead, Evil Clothes, Sex Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

Proceed with caution as there be spoilers ahead. For those who are hardcore (or even casual) Walking Dead fans, the final episode of Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln, whose father-in-law is hippie flute player Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull) was kind of a swerve.

Rick Grimes

Impaled by re-bar and barely escaping a herd/horde of walkers, Rick, bleeding out like a stuck pig, keeps passing out and hallucinating. Sounds like a night out at The Tug Tavern. Several past characters return to offer advice and to yell at him to wake up. Then he blows up a bridge over troubled waters, which cause a ton of zombies to cannonball into the raging river below.

Rick Grimes

Did Rick go ka-BOOM during the explosion? Not according to the last scene, which I won’t reveal. But it’s already in the works Rick will be back in not one but three impending Walking Dead movies, as well as directing a few episodes.

Rick Grimes

This is good news as I didn’t want Rick to go ka-BOOM. While we ponder the future of The Walking Dead without him, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna jump off a bridge…

Cam

CAM (November 16, 2018)
“An ambitious cam-girl wakes up one day to discover she’s been replaced on her show with an exact replica of herself. As this copy begins to push the boundaries of Alice’s Internet identity, the control that Alice has over her life, and the men in it, vanishes. While she struggles to regain what she’s lost, she slowly finds herself drawn back to her show and to the mysterious person who has taken her place.”

Okay, that’s gotta feel weird, being replaced by yourself. If that happened to me, I’d tell that guy to get a haircut and wear something else besides KISS T-shirts day in and day out for months at a time.

Ugly Sweater Party

UGLY SWEATER PARTY (November 23, 2018)
On Christmas Eve at a campsite deep in the woods, an ugly sweater party is in full swing. Best friends Cliff and Jody arrive expecting some mistletoe action from the sexy twins who invited them, but soon realize that they are at a Bible camp. To make matters worse, Cliff is wearing a sweater possessed by the ghost of notorious serial killer Declan Rains. While the evil sweater slowly possesses Cliff, Jody also realizes that the party guests aren’t as innocent as they first seem.

An evil sweater. Welcome to the bottom of the barrel.

Arctic

ARCTIC (February, 2019)
“A man stranded in the Arctic is finally about to receive his long-awaited rescue. However, after a tragic accident, his opportunity is lost. He must then decide whether to remain in the relative safety of his camp or to embark on a deadly trek through the unknown for potential salvation.”

Unless a polar bear eats his head off and snacks on his entrails as if unheated lasagna.

Rabid

RABID (2019)
Rose, a young woman who, after an accident leaves her scarred beyond recognition, undergoes a radical untested stem-cell treatment. While turning Rose into the belle of the ball, the experimental transformation comes at a price.”

A remake of David Cronenberg’s same-named 1977 classic, which was a remake of his 1975 sex zombie movie, Shivers (1975). Check out the plot: “The residents of a suburban high-rise apartment building are being infected by a strain of parasites that turn them into mindless, sex-crazed fiends out to infect others by the slightest sexual contact.” Forget condoms — wear a wet suit.

A Slew of Superheroes, Devil Sex, Heavy Metal Babysitters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Elseworlds

The ratings winning CW Network is heavily pushing Elseworlds, a crossover event that takes place on December 9, 2018 on The Flash, continuing on December 10, 2018 on Arrow (as in Green Arrow), and concluding on December 11, 2018 on Supergirl. I know what I’ll be doing for three days in December.

The Flash

This one’s gonna be epic as it finally introduces Lois Lane (Superman’s “friends with benefits”), Batgirl (insert excited slobbering here), and the returning John Wesley Shipp, who played Jay Garrick in The Flash as a multiverse speedster. He seems nice.

Elseworlds

Here’s the upsell: The Flash and Arrow switch pants. Then they change their clothes again — as does Superman — to all black. (I’ve been doing that for years.) And just when you think it could be any more mind-bending, John Wesley Shipp appears as The Flash in his old costume from when he played the Flash back in the 1990 TV series and will be called Barry Allen. My mind is a fried egg right now.

Elseworlds

In the new Flash series, Shipp played Henry Allen, Barry’s dad, and was killed by Flash nemesis, Zoom. (Weird to have a metahuman named after a breakfast cereal.) Now he’s back to play the Flash like he did before his hair turned grey.

Elseworlds

There’s lots more happening in Elseworlds, so don’t think of any of this as spoilers, but rather Fritos™ and bean dip before the big dinner. But before you go to the store to stock up on Fritos™ and bean dip, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you grey hair…

Luciferina

LUCIFERINA (November 20, 2018/DVD | December 4, 2018 / Digital HD)
Natalia is a 19-year-old who reluctantly returns home to say goodbye to her dying father. But when she meets up with her sister and her friends, she decides instead to travel the jungle in search of a mystical plant. Instead of pleasure, they find a world of Black Masses, strange pregnancies, bloody deaths and perhaps, a sexually violent clash with the Devil himself.”

A sexually violent clash with the Devil. That’s a lot to unpack. Think this one came out last March, 2108 in some country that is foreign to me. But hey, Devil sex, magic plants, black masses — no doubt you could find those things in any civilized country/bowling alley.

Ghost in the Graveyard

GHOST IN THE GRAVEYARD (2018/2019)
A small town comes under the thumb of Martha, a vengeful ghost who returns to haunt the children who witnessed her death during a game of Ghost in the Graveyard in their youth. Long blamed for the accident, Sally Sullivan must figure out why Martha has returned and how to get her to rest in peace for good. As the mystery of her return unravels, deep secrets are revealed that will have consequences for everyone involved.”

Back from the dead, revenge, murder, blah, blah, bah. This premise is so overdone, it’s like dry meatloaf — and there’s not enough ketchup in the world to make it taste any better. For a slightly better version, try Darkness Falls (2003). That one has a teen in it.

Shed of the Dead

SHED OF THE DEAD (2019)
Trevor is between jobs. He spends his days avoiding his nagging wife by hiding out in his allotment shed and painting figurines for his war-games with his agoraphobic friend, Graham, and dreaming of his heroic alter-ego, the battle mage Casimir the Destroyer. When Mr. Parsons, one of the other allotment tenants, petitions to have Trevor removed from his disgrace of a plot (he’s not there to grow stuff!) an argument ensues that leaves Trevor with a corpse to hide. Unfortunately, this untimely accident coincides with the zombie apocalypse and Mr Parsons’ return is just the beginnings of Trevor’s problems. More pressing is whether or not he should try and save his wife and her beautiful best friend, who both he and Graham have a thing for.

Yeow, what a hot mess of a plot. Only thing missing is dry meatloaf.

Babysitter Massacre: Heavy Metal

BABYSITTER MASSACRE: HEAVY METAL (in production)
Billy Dragg breaks things off with his girlfriend and subsequently goes on a murder spree. But is he in control, or is the ghost of Viper, a dead heavy metal superstar, influencing Billy’s actions?”

Push in your stool — this will take a minute. The guy who brought us 2013’s Babysitter Massacre is not done massacring temp rental guardians. Babysitter Massacre II: Slay Bells takes place around Christmas, a few weeks after the first movie. Then follows Babysitter Massacre III: Overnight, starring a different slasher. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing, hence Babysitter Massacre: Heavy Metal. These were all funded by Kickstarter™, so don’t expect a lot of different knives or clothes. Not sure what a ghost of a heavy metal superstar has to do with changing diapers, but hey, might as well come at it with that fabled open mind people keep telling me to use.

Canned Puke, Medicated Zombies, Vampire Socialite

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Christmas Tinner

It makes sense that upscale eateries like Burger King™ and McDonald’s™ annually come out with seasonal themed food-like substances. But Christmas Tinner™, an entire holiday meal in a can, easily takes the crown.

In what seems like something out of a horror movie, Christmas Tinner™ is a nine-layer meal that includes everything you need for a traditional Christmas dinner, including dessert. I think I just thew up in my own mouth.

Christmas Tinner

If you have a strong stomach, the “meal” starts with scrambled egg and bacon (WTF?), then layers down to mince pie, turkey and potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, Brussel sprouts/broccoli with stuffing, roast carrots and parsnips. And if this wasn’t enough, they stuff Christmas pudding at the bottom. All of a sudden, gas station sushi doesn’t seem so bad after all.

Christmas Tinner

Wonder if it looks the same way coming out as it does going in? While you chew on that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have you needing your stomach pumped after watching ‘em. (P.S. Christmas Tinner™ photos courtesy of Chris Godfrey)…

Elves

ELVES (December, 2018)
“The Holiday Reaper, a ruthless killer that terrorized a small Texas town, has been caught. While celebrating, a group of friends find an elf inside a magical toy box. When a freak accident kills one of them, they discover a group of elves have been scattered throughout town, each representing one of the seven deadly sins. It’s a race against time to survive the elves’ wrath before Christmas ends.”

A gang of homicidal elves trying to ruin Christmas? I bet Santa is rolling over in his Christmas Tinner™.

Leprechaun Returns

LEPRECHAUN RETURNS (2018/2019)
“The deadly, wisecracking Leprechaun is back in all his gory glory. When the sorority sisters of the Alpha Upsilon house decide to go green and use an old well as their water source, they unwittingly awaken a pint-sized, green-clad monster. The Leprechaun wants a pot of gold buried near the sorority house, but first, he must recover his powers with a killing spree — and only the girls of AU can stop him.”

You’d think they would’ve pulled life support on this one after the disastrous Leprechaun Origins (2014). That one was so bad, even non-Hollywood Leprechauns boycotted the movie.

Altered Skin

ALTERED SKIN (February, 2019)
“During a routine hospital round, Insiya Zia, a Pakistani doctor, contracts a virus called the MN-2. A devastating pathogen, the virus causes uncontrollable outbursts of violent rage. With no cure in sight, the doctors have no choice but put Insiya in a state of induced coma. Meanwhile, the virus continues to spread through the country. The only relief is a drug called Cidhar, sold as an adhesive patch. However, it’s not a cure. All it does is calm the symptoms for a few hours. As Insiya’s condition continues to deteriorate, it appears her husband has accepted her impending death. But then the dead body of an investigative reporter turns.”

The Returned

A Pakistani zombie movie that borrows (i.e., steals) from The Returned, a 2013 Spanish/Canadian film that goes a little like this: “When a rare and difficult to obtain medicine that requires daily doses to stave off the effects of a zombie infection runs low, a physician and her infected husband go on the run to avoid angry demonstrators.”

They go to all this trouble when beer is the cure-all to pretty much everything, except it turns you into a zombie as opposed to the other way around.

Morbid Colors

MORBID COLORS (2019)
“Two foster sisters hunt down a socialite whom they believe infected the elder sibling with vampirism.”

Being a vampire seems like a better option than having a Rent-A-Center™ parent.

Playing With Zombies, Frat Massacre, Mansion Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the Living Dead

As it is the 50th anniversary of the zombie cult classic, Night of the Living Dead (1968), CMON, Ltd. has acquired the license to turn the movie into a board game that includes miniature PVC figures, board, dice, tokens, coins and cards. What, no half-gnawed body parts?

Night of the Living Dead

A statement from CMON, Ltd. had this to say about that: “Night of the Living Dead is the quintessential zombie movie,” says Geoff Skinner, CMON’s VP of Media Development. “It’s an honor to work with such a property, and we are excited to be able to partner with Living Dead Media and Image Ten on creating a game worthy of the movie’s legacy.”

Night of the Living Dead

There was an unofficial NOTLD fan-made game that came out about 10 years ago. Created by Dennis L. Bishop and designed by Richard Dengel, the play was bare bones (no pun intended), but stayed faithful to the movie’s groove. Just sayin’.

While we impatiently wait for the new NOTLD game (releasing November 23, 2018), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you bored/board…

Haunting on Fraternity Row

HAUNTING ON FRATERNITY ROW (November 2, 2018)
“A fraternity house throws their final party of the year, a massive Luau extravaganza, but when fraternity brothers and co-eds begin dying horrible deaths they discover an evil entity has taken over the house.”

A massive Luau extravaganza and an evil entity special guest? I just have one word for you — when and where?

Blood Bags

BLOOD BAGS (2018)
“A creature stalks the corridors of an abandoned mansion. Two friends break in and discover that all exits have been sealed off and the creature that hunts them is growing hungry for their blood; there is no escape.”

Hungry for blood? Shouldn’t that be thirsty for blood, as blood is kinda liquid-y? Need proof? Have you ever seen Dracula chew after downing a refreshing neck cocktail?

RAVERS (2018/2019)
“Ravers follows an illegal night-time rave, in a factory where contaminated energy drinks caused a worker to go fatally berserk, that turns into a nightmare. As a forgotten batch of the drink is found and consumed by drunken ravers, a truly terrifying physical transformation takes over and those unaffected try to escape in panic.”

Sounds like a spin on Office Uprising (2017) and the tainted energy drink scenario. But ravers who guzzle energy drinks already know that it makes them goon out — just watch ‘em dance. Truly horrifying.

The Head

THE HEAD (2019)
“A warrior travels wild expanses on horseback, pursuing the monster that murdered his daughter. His thirst for revenge is the driving force of a film constructed with very few elements, minimalistic and epic at the same time, where fantasy and horror find their more physical and gory incarnations.”

Horseback? Why didn’t just drive after the monster in a cool sports car? Heck, he could put his warrior fanny pack in the trunk, set the car on cruise control and kick back until it’s time to kick ass.