Archive for Saran Wrap

13 Fridays, Raiding Tombs, Killer Mom

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Channel Zero: No End House

Behold, the new key art poster for Channel Zero: No End House. I hear tell they’re gonna use the Brian Russell tale on Creepypasta.com, where they got the entire 6-episode plot for Channel Zero: Candle Cove (2016).

If you haven’t seen it, you might wanna watch it and fill your pants with creepy pasta (home of the Slenderman legend). It’s some of the spookiest TV on television. Okay, that was a bit redundant. So what — I drink.

While we’re waiting for Channel Zero: No End House to debut on the SyFy Channel on September 20, 2017, here are a few horror, sci-fi and fantasy adventure movies to get your pasta pot boiling….

The 13th Friday

THE 13th FRIDAY (October 7, 2017)
“When a female refugee discovers an ancient demonic device that opens the gateway to another realm, she unleashes a dark entity that poses as her daughter. After many failed attempts to have the church explain the creation of her worst nightmares, she learns that the house is cursed by an enraged spirit that died on Friday the 13th. And now a group of thrill seeking friends unknowingly unleash its wrath and damn their souls.”

Clever — take the iconic branding of Friday the 13th, swap the letters around just a bit, and then ride the coattails of a successful franchise with a weak plot/script. I should try that with my bar tab.

Nightmare Cinema

NIGHTMARE CINEMA (2017)
“This anthology centers on a series of down-on-their-luck individuals who enter the decrepit and spine-chilling Rialto Theater, only to have their deepest and darkest fears brought to life on the silver screen by The Projectionist – a mysterious, ghostly figure who holds the nightmarish futures of all who attend his screenings. By the time our patrons realize the truth, escape is no longer an option.”

Borrows heavily from the Italian gore fest Demons (1985), in which move-goers are trapped in a theater during a screening of a violent horror movie, unbeknown that they themselves are about to become infected demon gore zombies that shred each other into half-chewed Twizzlers™. Once again, life imitates art.

Tomb Raider

TOMB RAIDER (March 16, 2018)
Lara Croft is the fiercely independent daughter of an eccentric adventurer who vanished years earlier. Hoping to solve the mystery of her father’s disappearance, Croft embarks on a perilous journey to his last-known destination — a fabled tomb on a mythical island that might be somewhere off the coast of Japan. The stakes couldn’t be higher as Lara must rely on her sharp mind, blind faith and stubborn spirit to venture into the unknown.”

This reboot is already getting taken to task on the Internet for the poor Photoshopping of Alicia Vikander (Lara Croft) in the key art. It looks like she has a horse neck. Maybe she works out a lot and has hulk bulked her lateral flexion.

Applecart

APPLECART (2017/2018)
“A caring mother loses her sanity, setting off a chain of events resulting in tragedy and murder. The story of Casey Pollack unfolds from two very different perspectives when one night in the woods culminates in absolute terror.”

Only one thing that can set off a caring mother, turning her into a murderer — stretching Saran Wrap™ over the toilet seat, then lowering the lid. When mom has to tinkle, stand back and wait for the fun/murder. That may or may not have happened to me during my prankster years (grade 4 through 12).

Planet of the Vampires

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 29, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet of the Vampires

Planet of the Vampires (1965) is also known as Terrore Nello Spazio. (It’s an Italian sci-fi flick.) Even so, only half of this movie’s title is correct.

Planet of the Vampires

Two pricey spaceships, loaded with astronauts in work clothing, crash on a mysterious planet that has a lot of glowing steam and pointy rocks. The place looks unoccupied, but the planet’s residents are invisible. (That saved the film company a few bucks on crappy rubber masks.)

Planet of the Vampires

The crew of the Argos become possessed by these invis-o-beings and turn last call-hostile, beating each other up and down. Those who die during these point-counter points are reanimated with space herpes sores on their faces, and stalk those without space herpes.

Planet of the Vampires

A couple of the guys from Galliot, the other space ship, want to get the heckaroo outta there, and go about stealing Argos’ Meteor Rejector device, the thing that will allow them to navigate the pinball asteroid field they barely made it though on their way to Planet Boring in the first place.

Planet of the Vampires

The DVD box art shows giant skeletal vampires with icky faces attacking the crew. There are no such creatures in the movie, just astronauts covered in Saran Wrap™ running around and smacking each other. I wish I had a Crappy Horror Movie Rejector device installed on my TV.