Archive for Santa Jaws

Demonic Beekeeper, Horror TV, Holiday Shark

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

AHS: Apocalypse

Getting giddy for the upcoming premier of American Horror Story: Apocalypse. The teasers are eerie and stylishly cool, an AHS trademark. Kinda like expensive perfume TV commercials.

AHS: Apocalypse

Some background info in case you’ve been living under a rock: “American Horror Story: Apocalypse is the eighth season of the FX horror anthology television series American Horror Story. It will premiere on September 12, 2018. Series co-creator Ryan Murphy (Glee, Feud) has confirmed that the new season will be a crossover between Season 1 (AHS: Murder House) and Season 3 (AHS: Coven).

While we count down the days until TV becomes good again, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stink like expensive perfume…

Santa Jaws

SANTA JAWS (available now/SyFy™ Channel)
“Trying to survive the family Christmas, Cody makes a wish to be alone, which ends up backfiring when a shark manifests and kills his entire family.”

Not surprised — the title alone has inspired countless memes, so it makes sense that someone would capitalize on it. Personally, I would’ve gone with Mama Shark, in tribute of Mother’s Day. If Mama Shark tells you to go clean your room and you don’t do it, the living room rug will likely need to be forensically vacuumed to get what’s left of your torso/face/leg meat out of the absorbent fibers.

What Keeps You Alive

WHAT KEEPS YOU ALIVE (August 24, 2018)
Jackie and Jules are a couple celebrating their first anniversary at a secluded cabin in the woods belonging to Jackie’s family. From the moment they arrive, something changes in Jules’ normally loving wife, as Jackie begins to reveal a previously unknown dark side — all building up to a shocking revelation that will pit Jules against the woman she loves in a terrifying fight to survive.”

Sounds more like a regular relationship than a horror movie. But then again, aren’t all relationships kind of a horror movie when you think about it?

Hell House LLC II: The Abaddon Hotel

HELL HOUSE LLC II: THE ABADDON HOTEL (September 14, 2018/Limited)
“The sequel picks up eight years since the opening night tragedy of Hell House LLC; still many unanswered questions remain. Thanks to an anonymous tip, an investigative journalist is convinced that key evidence is hidden inside the abandoned Abaddon Hotel. This evidence that will shed light on: the hotel’s mysteries, many unsolved deaths and disappearances.”

Didn’t see the first one, so I have little insight here. Hey, I was BUSY. Supergirl on The CW™ isn’t gonna watch itself. Did a bit ‘o research — Abaddon is defined as this: “In the New Testament Book of Revelation, an angel called Abaddon is described as the king of an army of locusts.” Sounds like a beekeeper.

The Dawnseeker

THE DAWNSEKER (September 4, 2018)
“2245, the Earth’s sun has dwindled and no longer provides the energy needed to sustain human life. Five hired mercenaries travel to an uncharted planet to collect a rare mineral known as stardust to replenish the dying star. After their spaceship crashes on the alien planet, they are stalked and hunted by a creature far more advanced than anything they have ever encountered before.”

Stardust is the hippie/druggie code name for cocaine. Sprinkle a pile of that on the dying sun and that thing will fire up and want to party. It’ll be a short party, though. Other than that, this one sounds suspiciously like The Predator.

Raiders of the Lost Shark

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , on December 6, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Raiders of the Lost Shark

From the makers of Jurassic Shark (2012) now comes Raiders of the Lost Shark, an admittedly tongue-in-cheek chew-a-thon done on a budget that wouldn’t cover your monthly shark repellent bill.

Jurassic Shark

Literally zero is known about the plot at this time. However, they might think about re-titling the movie as it’s been used before, going all the way back to the heavily-copyrighted Raiders of the Lost Shark Disney cartoon in 1994.

Raiders of the Lost Shark

Then there’s the upcoming The Ghastly McNastys: Raiders of the Lost Shark kid’s book by Lyn Gardner and Ros Asquith that comes out in May 2014.

The Ghastly McNastys: Raiders of the Lost Shark

Then there are the Raiders of the Lost Shark movie poster spoofs littering the internet…

Raiders of the Lost Shark

I could go on. But I choose not to at this time as I’m busy hunting down a replacement DVD of the holiday shark movie, Santa Jaws. I wore out my last two copies.

Santa Jaws