Archive for Sand Sharks

This Shark Is The Bomb

Posted in Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Atomic Shark

It used to be we were justifiably afraid of sharks, what with their emotionless biting off of limbs and/or employable extremities. Now that our ferocious friends of the foamy sea have been tornado’d, tomato’d, super-sized and mechanized, the continuously-mocked apex predator has been relegated to a one punch line cinematic joke. Shame on everyone except me.

And the knee-slapping continues with the impending Atomic Shark (coming 2014), wherein a terrorist and a biologist devise a device that makes great white sharks attack a variety of anything. As if sharks ever need an excuse to chew you out.

To add some padding to the plot, criminal humans attach bombs to the sharks, kinda like what the Navy’s been doing with delicious dolphins for decades now. The terrorist’s target? A nuclear sub that, once bitten by a shark that thinks it’s a heavy metal hot dog, would explode and smear everyone except me in a cloud of radioactive hair product.

I’ll say this about Atomic Shark, though – at least they didn’t turn the hapless eating machine into a comedy act hybrid, ala Sand Sharks, Sharktopus, Ghost Shark, Snow Shark, Psycho Shark, Avalanche Sharks, etc., etc., etc. Why can’t we pick on oysters for a change?

The Atomic Sharks

P.S. Do not confuse this movie with The Atomic Sharks, the educational kid’s music  ukulele duo comprised of Kris Hensler and Kenny Taylor, both of whom still have employable extremities.

It’s The Great White Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 10, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shark-O-Lantern

YET ANOTHER horror shark movie, tailor made for Halloween. Cleverly titled, Shark-O-Lantern (2013) has our Dentist the Menace ocean friend swimming around a pumpkin patch, scaring the candy corn out of anyone who dares wade through the field of pumpkins where it lurks. Trick or treat thus becomes trick or eat. (Heh.)

So a shark swimming in farm dirt isn’t very believable? It’s been done convincingly before with Sand Sharks (2011), a gripping pant-filler that had prehistoric-esque sharks that looked like they were wearing alligator sweaters using actual beach dirt to get around in. (Hollywood dirt looks too fake.)

Shark-O-Lantern takes place in the Midwest, far from any ocean or “sea” where you’d normally find sharks playfully frolicking. An Ohio farmer, whose abundant pumpkin patch is legendary and attracts families and kids from miles around to get Halloween pumpkins, switched to using fish fertilizer to grow bigger pumpkins. Besides smelling like a YWCA locker room on cardio night, this magic fertilizer is way cheaper than that overpriced Miracle-Gro™ crap.

Meanwhile, the sun is experiencing a massive coronal discharge, sending utra-violent rays towards Earth, where it causes space lighting to go off all over the place and renders our TVs useless. A lightning strike in the pumpkin patch supercharges the fertilizer, which was made up of ground up shark carcass and oatmeal filler. The shark meat’s DNA is fused to the pumpkin plants and reanimated by the concentrated electricity. Presto – Shark-O-Lantern!

Blood, guts, screaming, running, cussing, peeing, spilled candy… Everything that makes for good family television – if the darn thing still works after that solar storm nonsense.

You know this one’s fake, too, yes?