Archive for San Antonio

Phantom Food, Possessed Puppets, Corn-y Kids

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Always look forward to fast food giant Burger King’s™ annual Halloween themed and ridiculously healthy cuisine. This year they outdid themselves — the sphincter-clenching Ghost Pepper Whopper™, which cranks up the blast furnace that is your mouth. So yeah, I’m in.

From BK’s press release: “The Ghost Pepper Whopper™, true to its name, features a burger with white cheddar-flavored orange-colored buns topped with Ghost Pepper cheese. It’s also packed with bacon, fried jalapeños, and a queso sauce.” They could just sell me the orange-colored buns and call it day. But wait, there’s more: “Along with the launch of the new Whopper™, Burger King’s™ app has also launched a “Ghost Detector”, which will help you find ghosts in your home…and unlock a special deal.” An app that finds ghosts in my house? Why am I just finding out about this now?

And now the bad news, which doesn’t include the mandatory bathroom time after eating said Ghost Whooper™— it’s only available in select restaurants in 10 cities: Detroit, Memphis, Philadelphia, Phoenix, San Antonio, San Diego, San Francisco, Savannah, Summerville, and New Orleans. (There’s a new Orleans? What happened to the old one?)

While we juice up the jalopy and head to whatever city is closest (807 miles from Seattle to San Francisco), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not put your indoor/outdoor plumbing to the test…

DEATH CAMP / Out now (VOD/DVD)

“A group of teenagers go to an abandoned cabin for a summer weekend where kids from a high school class were killed 20 years earlier.”

Clichéd [ klee-sheyd, kli- ]: Adjective — Representing or expressing a cliché or stereotype; trite; hackneyed; commonplace.

DOKTOR DEATH / October 28, 2022 (Full Moon Features™ channel)

“A beautiful young med student is trapped in an erotic nightmare and must face-off against the demon that inhabits the evil puppet.”

They had me at “erotic nightmare.” They lost me at “evil puppet.”

PRESENCE / November 17, 2022 (VOD)

“Leaving New York after a mental breakdown, Jennifer is contacted by her best friend about good news concerning their joint business venture. Within the hour, Jennifer is boarding a private plane and walking down the dock to a billionaire’s private yacht. All seems well, except that Jennifer is plagued by violent, unsettling visions. Is her unchecked anxiety attempting to self-sabotage her once again…or has a sinister presence latched onto her?”

If you’re flying on a private plane and floating around on a private yacht, unchecked anxiety and/or a sinister presence should be the least of your baggage. Store it in the overhead compartment and sit down. 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN / Fall 2022 (VOD)

“Eden, an orphan possessed by the spirit of the town’s dying cornfield decides to take revenge against the town’s adults, who are destroying the corn (and the children’s future) with their irresponsible decisions. Bo, equally upset at the adults’ selfish behavior, decides to make a stand against Eden’s radical plan to massacre every adult living in the town. After much mayhem, their epic final showdown leads to Bo and Eden facing off one last time, with the fate of everyone and everything in their hands.”

Some corn to shuck here — this remake allegedly came out in October of 2020 in…Sarasota, FL, which causes quizzical expressions on my non-Floridian face. Secondly, it’s allegedly being released to VOD platforms any day/week now. Thirdly, the original Children of the Corn came out in 1984 and grew 10 more sequels, each less tasty than the one that came before it. Fourthly, I never watched said sequels as I felt it was my mom’s subversive way of getting me to eat vegetables. For all the good that did, they may as well have titled it Children of the Cauliflower.

Nightclub Zombies, Overweight Sharks, Toilet Paper-less Apes

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ibiza Undead

Ahhh — nearing vacation time, the few days out of the year I get to lay around and watch horror movies around the clock — but in a different city! It somehow makes the movies more exciting.

Speaking of exciting, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll be thrilling or not — in any city…

IBIZA UNDEAD (available now (UK)(DVD) releasing 2017/2018 (US)
“Three best friends —Alex, Az and Jim — head to Ibiza for their first lad’s holiday. Unfortunately for them, tagging along is Alex’s unimpressed ex-girlfriend Ellie. Arriving in Ibiza, the lads dump Ellie with Alex’s sister Liz, and her friend Zara, and head to San Antonio to start their week of debauchery. Soon they end up in a San Antonio club, run by local gangster Karl, where the attractions aren’t all alive — in fact they’re zombies! Due to Jim’s antics, the zombies escape, and soon all hell breaks loose and no one on the party island is safe.”

Karl’s a gangster? The heck you say. I knew he owned zombies, but geez, he breaks the law? That’s the last time I go to his club. Hey Karl — your bathrooms smell like rotting flesh! (To be fair, most San Antonio bars smell like decomposed skin suits.)

Meg

MEG (August 18, 2018)
A deep-sea submersible — part of an international undersea observation program — has been attacked by a massive creature previously thought to be extinct, and now lies disabled at the bottom of the deepest trench in the Pacific — with its crew trapped inside. With time running out, expert deep sea rescue diver Jonas Taylor is recruited by a visionary Chinese oceanographer, against the wishes of his daughter Suyin, to save the crew — and the ocean itself — from this unstoppable threat: a pre-historic 75-foot-long shark known as the Megalodon.”

Meg

The biggest shark currently polluting our oceans is the Whale Shark, tipping the fish scales at 41,000 pounds (or “lbs”). That it doesn’t eat swimmers/surfers/spring breakers means its a toothless vegan Democrat.

But at 75 feet long and probably one billion pounds in weight, the Megalodon makes the Whale Shark look like one of those freshness-expired goldfish you win at the Puyallup Fair for throwing ping pong balls at bowling pins. Wonder what Mega-Shark (2009) thinks about the new Carcharodon carcharias on the block?

The Strangers 2

THE STRANGERS 2 (2018)
“A family’s road trip takes a turn when they arrive at a secluded mobile home park and after the power goes out they decide to hunker down for the night in a borrowed trailer. Under the cover of darkness, three familiar masked psychopaths pay them a visit to test their every limit.”

Aside from a different locale, The Strangers 2 doesn’t even try to expand on the one-note plot of The Strangers (2008), wherein a small group of killers stalk and then stab two people alone in a house. (So much for calling it a “living” room.) They should just title this movie, Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

War for the Planet of the Apes / Godzilla: Monster Planet

WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES (July 14, 2017)/GODZILLA: MONSTER PLANET (November 2017)
Yes, I’ve already e-barfed about both these movies prior. But these are NEW POSTERS people. That’s gotta stand for something. As the 10 billion people (give or take) who regularly read this blog know, I’m a lollipop-wrapped sucker for movie art. I blame this on my early-age diet of comic books and undiagnosed illiteracy.

In War for the Planet of the Apes, armies of monkeys fling poo at their human adversaries. (Don’t get it in your eyes, fellas.) In Godzilla: Monster Planet (anime), Godzilla “marks his territory” over the entire world. Advice: buy wading boots that go up to your neck. And don’t let any get in your eyes.

Texas Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 13, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

From Dusk ‘Til Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money

This artery-rippin’ sequel of From Dusk ’Til Dawn (1996) is a pretty cool take on vampires. Since these undead heads are made from Texans, they wear snakeskin boots, drive big black Eldorados and have teeth the size of San Antonio lollipops (jalapeños).

From Dusk ‘Til Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money

A group of poor robbers head south of the border to steal five million dollars (or $53,565,073.88 pesos) from a bank guarded by a minimum wage security employee. Along the way one of the robbers goes into the Titty Twister Club (they still had that cool sign left over from the first movie) and gets bit on the collar area by a bartending vampire. (And no, he wasn’t serving Bloody Marys, though you think he would, you know, just for inside laughs ’n stuff). He then sucks on the rest of his gang. When the cops show up (not realizing it’s their last day on the job), it’s carnage ala’ mode.

From Dusk ‘Til Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money

Killer action (heh), campy gore, clever camera angles, which includes a vampire chomping down on a throat – from the inside point of view from its mouth! Despite the fact there’s only one sex scene (barely showing any boob), it does lead to a shower scene which plays as a nifty tribute to Psycho (1960). All the robbers turn into suckers, except one. If he can last the night, he gets all the cash/pesos/vampire coupons and the keys to the Eldorado.

From Dusk ‘Til Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money

The shoot-out between the cops and neck-suckers that lasts until daybreak is pretty much the Bout to Suck The Blood Out of vampire bloodfests. Why can’t all movies – including romantic comedies – be like From Dusk ‘Til Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (1999)?