Archive for Samurai

Gigantic Giant Giants

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 7, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Big Man Japan

Daisoto is a 40-year-old introverted, divorced Japanese bachelor living in a pig-pen of a house, sitting in the park and eating the same meal every day. (Yeesh — that hits a little too close to the bone.)

Big Man Japan

Daisoto, turns out, is the last of a long line of giant monster killers. When a new Costco™-sized foe threatens Japan, the Department of Defense calls Daisoto and off he goes to a nearby power plant to get electrodes hooked up to his nipples and one million volts applied thusly.

Big Man Japan

This causes him to grow into a giant with several-story tall Eraserhead/Kid ‘N Play hair wearing a pair of stunningly purple Samurai diapers and the occasional advertising sticker on his chest. His only weapon: a telephone pole-sized steel club. He needs it — the colossal creatures that arrive out of nowhere to rearrange the city’s landscape are adversarial — and some of the most freakishly unique monsters ever seen in any country with tall knock-downable buildings.

Big Man Japan

There’s the Strangling Monster, a nearly indescribable ogre with expanding cables for arms, which it uses to throw around buildings and back flips them. It also has a comb-over. Then there’s the Stink Monster, a female creature that emits the smell of 10,000 feces. It also acts as a perfume-like attractant to other monsters. The beast Daisoto doesn’t want to face, though, is The Red One, a mega-tough child-devil creature that could end the career of Big Man Japan, thereby leaving the city unprotected and chest advertisers un-advertised.

Big Man Japan

Played as deadpan humor and as a tongue-in-cheek take on Japanese giant monster movies, you gotta see these things as there’s nothing you can compare ’em to. Except YOURSELF. I kid. Oh, and the reason his neighbors hate him so much? When in giant form Daisoto causes more destruction than he stops, uses up way too much electricity, is horrendously loud, and is not the sharpest chopstick in the drawer.

Big Man JapanWatch Big Man Japan (2009) and put it in the “WTF?” category. In the next few minutes, once you’re done hooking battery cables to your chest parts. P.S. Don’t really do that.

Evil In Real-Time

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Live Evil

We humans aren’t the only ones affected by pollution. After years of taking drugs, smoking drugs, eating drugs and overloading on McDonald’s Happy Meals™, our blood is so contaminated, even vampires won’t drink it. And when they do, they vomit all over the place. How rude.

Over the years this poor diet has led to vampire mutations, with some being able to walk around in day light as if a werewolf, others having their fanged mouths in the palm of their hands. (You DO NOT wanna give these vampires a high-five.)

Live Evil

So off four of vampires go, traveling from the blood-bereft Nevada desert to the gushing Hollywood Hills, looking for something to drink. Yep, you’ll find countless decorative ponds of untainted blood in L.A.

Hot on their trail is a whiskey-swilling old priest who carries a Samurai sword and guns. If you can’t figure out why the priest has been so hardcore about chasing down a particular vampire couple, you should stick your head in a garbage can.

Live Evil

Yeah, the movie title (Live Evil/2008) is dumb and the action is both hokey and Z-grade. But there’s lots of gooshing gore and naked nudity. Sounds like a typical day in Hollywood.

Stoned Demon God

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Daimajin

The Japanese term Daimajin translates to good ’ol English as Great Demon God. (I wonder what my term translates to in Japanese? Probably Great Beer God. I like that. Thank you, Japan.)

Daimajin is also the title of the 1966 horror fantasy movie about a gigantic stone statue that comes to life and squashes people. There is nothing about that sentence I don’t like.

It’s bad enough the downtrodden villagers in ancient Japan are enduring a series of tremors (or “mini quakes”); on the flip side you have their leader Lord Hanabasa in constant arguments with the super mean and cruel Samanosuke. The quakes are attributed to the spirit of the Daimajin trapped in a nearby mountain and is trying to bust a move. The meanness of Samanosuke is attributed to him just being a dick.

Daimajin

Samanosuke uses the villagers superstitions against them and to overthrow (i.e., kill) Lord Hanabasa, thus ruling with an iron fist (i.e., sword). His reign is highlighted with torture, stabbings, eye gougings, and assorted punchings, leading to a slave labor workforce.

Shinobu, the village’s local priestess, has had enough of this crap and, after a long story involving other story-padding characters, warns about the Daimajin coming to smash evil.

Samanosuke chortles at the stone Samurai and sends his posse to go beat the revered stone statue into bite-sized chunks. When the army starts pounding a huge railroad spike into Daimajin’s forehead, the statue comes alive and breaks free of his dirt cage. It’s clobberin’ time.

Daimajin

Stomping its way towards the village, Daimajin’s face changes into that of a pissed of Shogun with a facial expression that looks like the railroad spike was pounded into Daimajin’s glory hole. It’s as if the demon god was sold at a Pottery Barn™ managed by Slayer.

Doing what only a 25 meter tall ticked off stone creature can do, Daimajin, who only makes its appearance an hour (!) into the movie, stomps, crushes, squishes and squashes Samanosuke’s bully squad into egg rolls.

Daimajin

But wait, Daimajin is unable to distinguish evil from reverse evil, and begins swinging his wrecking balls all over the village, wiping out years of shabby architecture. It’s only when a chick cries at Daimajin’s dirty feet that it’s spirit is released and goes zooming off as a UFO-esque orb, leaving it’s husk to crumble all over the place. Guess who has to clean up that mess?

There were two more sequels: Return of Daimajin (1966) and Daimajin Strikes Again (1966). Yes, all three were released in the same year. I think they just reused the original Daimajin monster. Way to milk that sacrificial cow.

Return of the Giant Monsters

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 30, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gamera vs. Gyaos

Man, I wish people would pick a lane and drive in it. Case in point: Gamera vs. Gyaos, a raucous 1967 Japanese sci-fi monster mash, has Gamera’s fruit fly foe as being named “Gyaos” and “Gaos” on different marketing materials. Aieeee! And to make matters more convoluted, the U.S. version is titled Return of the Giant Monsters, all of which causes me sleepless nights. I don’t have a clue as to why it bothers me so much, it just does.

Gamera vs. Gyaos

Anyway, Gamera Vs. Gyaos is more for kids than someone who may or may not drink a LOT of beer, and has just about everything a fan of giant Japanese monsters could ever want.

Gamera vs. Gyaos

Mt. Fuji has erupted again, this time awakening Gyaos, a “special needs” prehistoric vampire reptile bird that eats humans and emits a supersonic frequency that can slice through other giant monsters like a hot knife through tofu. (Excellent run-on sentence!)

Gamera vs. Gyaos

This causes hell on Earth for a super freeway project slated to plow through a nearby village of people (village people, heh) who can’t decide if it’s cool to give up their ancestor’s land so everyone can get to the store faster, or sell out and become as rich as Samurais (their words, not mine).

Gamera vs. Gyaos

Enter Gamera (giant turtle that flies ‘n farts flames, in case it slipped your mind), even though no one in the movie knows how to correctly pronounce his name. Rescuing a little kid instead of dispensing some super-sized ass smack, Gamera leaks first blood via Gyaos’ lethal frequency. Turns out Gyaos has two throats, which acts like a tuning fork. (Good thing it’s not a female Gyaos – then it would never shut up. OK, that was uncalled for, ladies. I respect your boobs ’n stuff.)

Gamera vs. Gyaos

Gamera retreats back to the ocean to heal after his arm is almost cut off by the animated-but-deadly frequency. This forces the humans to take matters into their own hands. And what an ingenious plan they have. Using hundreds of gallons of synthetic human blood, they lure Gyaos to the top of that building that has a spinning roof. While he drinks it, they turn on the spin-y building roof and make Gyaos all dizzy so he can’t fly back to his cave before being burned by the sun when it rises in three f’n minutes.

Gamera vs. Gyaos

The scene of Gyaos going around and around like a 33 1/3rpm record album being played on 45rpm is one of giant monster movie’s greatest moments. If that was me on that “turntable,” I’d mega puke big time.

Gamera vs. Gyaos

The other scenes of G&G locking it up (Gamera even bites several toes off Gyaos, but they grow back) are the stuff drug dreams are made of. But don’t do drugs as they’re not cool for you. Stick to canned beer or prescription glue and see how giant monsters used to settle their differences back in the ’60s.