Crayon Horror, Rodent Republicans, Werewolf Babies

The horror genre is colorful (where would the popularity of movie screen blood be if it was puce?), so why not make a coloring book based on it. Or how about two coloring books? Better still, three coloring books?

Enter The Beauty of Horror 3: Haunted Playgrounds coloring book by Alan Robert, arriving July 2018 from IDW Publishing. Time to bust out those old Crayola crayons and get your Picasso on.

Speaking of the world’s most favorite drawing implement this side of a chisel and stone tablet (a bit cumbersome, but makes a rather bold statement), in 2008 Crayola had 120 colors from which to augment your graffiti. Colorful memories recall Macaroni & Cheese, Atomic Tangerine, Inch Worm, and my favorite, Beaver (a metaphorical cross between Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown and Tickle Me Pink.) Today’s Crayola colors number in the billions. Or so I’ve heard. (No word whether or not “Shard” made the grade.)

While you contemplate that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stay inside the lines…

RATPOCALYPSE (December 12, 2017)
“American Senator John Perryman, a man of pure and humble soul with a warrior’s disposition, delivers a fiery speech in Moscow about the country’s main evil — corruption. A corruption so pervasive it will turn men into “rats.” He declares that he was ordered from above to speak to them and threatens everyone with the loss of their human form, which draws only guffaws and resentment from the people. Many take the Senator for a madman as gradually, all his friends and relatives turn away from him. Eventually the Senator meets a mysterious girl in the streets who seems to be his guardian angel but soon, everything he talked about in Moscow begins to come true, triggering panic in Russia and around the world.”

If I were to choose a parasitic form for politicians to morph into, it’d be butt worms. Oh wait, that already happened. Still, rat-faced politicians, while new to movies, is nothing out of the ordinary. Just turn on the news.

OCCUPATION (2018)
“After a devastating intergalactic attack on Earth, the last surviving humans must band together for the sake of survival. As war looms, and the struggle to stay alive worsens, they realize the only way to save the human race is to stay one step ahead of their attackers and strike back.”

Wow. That couldn’t be a more limp sausage, generic press release. And why “intergalactic”? Couldn’t they have just said, “beyond Earthly confines”? That sounds way more science-y.

GOOD MANNERS (aka, As Boas Maneiras/2018)
“Clara, a lonely nurse from the outskirts of São Paulo, is hired by mysterious and wealthy Ana to care for and protect her son after he is born not looking like a human.”

A Brazilian horror movie foreignly released summer/August of 2017, that, while given the U.S. title of Good Manners, actually translates to The Good Ways. Absolutely none of the above works at all as the newborn is a werewolf. (Not a spoiler; it’s all over the Internet thingamajig.) And while we’re on the subject, since when does a newborn look anything like a human? I’m thinkin’ more of along the lines of shaved peaches. (Come to think of it, that could be another cool Crayola color.)

THE TOYBOX (2018)
“A family goes on a cross-country trip across America and get stranded in the desert by a supernatural force that is slowly killing them off.”

Yep, someone busted a grumpy in the RV toilet and didn’t jiggle the handle. The same supernatural force can be experienced walking into a gas station restroom.

Tailgating Aliens

Tailgating on the back of the heavily documented 1997 Phoenix Lights incident, where thousands of people witnessed what was thought to be a UFO over Arizona (but might have just been lights), Night Skies (2008) finds the same light configuration following an RV full of young people lost on a back road.

Looking at said lights instead of the road causes the driver to crash the recreational vehicle into a tree, knocking everyone inside down, one of whom lands on a butcher knife. (I don’t know why more RVs don’t come with butcher knives; It should be standard equipment.)

Outside, dark colored aliens are stalking the humans, making the same burp-chirping sounds those extraterrestrials did in Signs (2002). They must know each other.

The aliens abduct a guy (who has a gun) and a chick, who we earlier found out was pregnant. Regaining consciousness, both wake up on board the UFO (or “lights”) covered in what looks to be half-digested pasta and Super Glue™.

The aliens slather some sort of space paste on the girl’s stomach, which makes her top skin transparent. Now they can see her organs. How embarrassing for her. Then they reach in and take out her impending child. (It’s here where an audible “whew!” sound can be heard, probably from the baby’s reluctant father back in the RV.)

The guy, though naked and covered with party fluids, still has the gun with one shot left. Should he shoot the aliens right in Uranus? Should he cap the chick in the head to spare her the pain of having a lunar abortion? Should he pop someone wearing the same pants size so he can get out of this mess with some dignity?

Better to run outside screaming and shoot at those lights in the sky instead. That’s totally what I would do given the opportunity.