Archive for Russia

The Light, The Dark, The Radioactive Cow

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 6, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night Watch

The forces of Dark battle the do-gooding p*ssies of Light. This is exactly what the ancient prophecies warned us about, even going so far as to even use the word “p*ssies” in the script. What are they fighting about? Hell if I know; this Russian fantasy sci-fi movie made about as much sense as borscht, which I believe is either motherland soup or some sort of radioactive cow.

Night Watch

The Night Watch are patrollers with superhuman abilities, not unlike a radioactive cow. Their job is to keep the Others, who are vampires – but not with capes or fangs – out of their business. Apparently, both sides are equally balanced. Tip the balance and whichever side it leans to, wins everything.

Night Watch

So Geser, the Lord of Light has a sit down with Zabulon, General of the Dark, and a truce is suggested. If each side is equally matched, they’ll both destroy themselves. Cool for me, not cool for them. So while they wait for the coming of The Great One (see Day Watch) who will decide which teams wins everything, they gotta chill. Of course, they don’t, and humanity is caught in the middle.

Night WatchEven though most of Night Watch (2004) went over my head, this is a highly imaginative something or rather with wild characters and radioactive cows. One part of that sentence is wrong.

Looking Dead Ahead

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on July 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Dead Zone

After coming out of a five-year coma induced by a car wreck, school teacher Johnny Smith (great name – he’ll fit right in) wakes to find his fiancee has moved on and married and plopped out a kid. He also discovers he has post and pre-cognition, meaning when he makes touchy with you, he knows all about your past, present and future. It wouldn’t be good for either of us if Johnny touched me.

The Dead Zone

Sure, he helps people with his gift (people rescued from a burning house, kid saved from drowning, helping cops solve a grisly murder mystery), but he’s shunned as though he were a modern day witch. He kinda is.

The Dead Zone

A chance handshake with a visiting politician reveals the Republican goes on to be elected President of the United States (a fun and relaxing job), and sees him launching a nuclear strike against Russia, thereby bringing on a holocaust of biblically foretold proportions. Good – I don’t like Russia. They don’t know how to spell “soup.” Johnny’s plan is to assassinate the front-runner and stop the future from happening.

The Dead Zone

The Dead Zone (1983) is one of the better Stephen King adaptations, loaded with face-pinching tenseness and flavorful impending doom. Could Johnny (played by the insanely cool Christopher Walken) tell if a Lottery ticket was a winner by touching it? Man, that’d be seriously way cool. Moreso if he taught me how to do it. That would rock.

That ’80s Sea Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

DeepStar Six

DeepStar Six™ is an all-the-way underwater Navy-funded sub-station with a science/janitor crew setting up a missile silo, which will later be used to blast Russia or whales right in the blow-hole.

DeepStar Six

The constantly bickering crew has fatigue syndrome, which makes the confined workspace more socially exciting. While drilling through a sea wall, a mini-sub is attacked by a prehistoric monster that looks like one of the graboid sand worms in Tremors (1990). Never mind that this movie came out before Tremors did – the worm was copied, I tell you.

DeepStar Six

The aquatic monster barely makes an appearance at this point, and doesn’t show up again until the last 30 minutes when it gets inside an air lock and goes after the crew, whose numbers fall prey to severed limbs and liquid-filled lungs.

DeepStar Six

Swear word-infused yelling, a torso bit in half here, a heart exploding there, but mostly a dry tale of underwater horror. Not to be confused with  The Evil Below, The Rift (Endless Descent), Lords of the Deep, Leviathan, and The Abyss, all of which had pretty much the same plot and came out the same year as DeepStar Six (1989). Hollywood needs a new lifeguard. 

Weirdo Russian Sci-Fi

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on February 18, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Day Watch

Day Watch (2006) (also known as Night Watch 2: The Chalk of Fate), is the Russian sequel to the sci-fi fantasy hit Night Watch (2004) and is as equally as confusing. (I just don’t get sub-titles, man.)

Day Watch

There’s this guy Anton, who is a modern day enlistee in the war between Light and Darkness. He possesses some sort of power to tip the balance of power. Shut up, that was not redundant.

Day Watch

Zavulon is the cheesy named leader of the Dark Others. Anton (his name’s OK) and the good powers of Night needs to get his son Yegor (gonna get beaten up on the playground with a name like that), who is the wild card in this battle, and who Zavulon has all but recruited. Yegor has been f-ing things up as he’s already chosen which team he’d rather play destiny volleyball for.

Day Watch

Bookending all of the above is cars driving across the sides of buildings, an apocalyptic war, snow where there should be no snow, and Anton being able to take over a female body (makes dating a whole lot easier).

Day Watch

Yegor has daddy issues, which paints Anton into a surreal corner, where the forces of Light and Dark meet, greet and dish out defeat. There’s way more to it than that, but I lost track 20 minutes in and just decided to stare slack-jawed for the rest of the movie instead of taking notes. Hey, I freakin’ tried, man.

Russian Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , on January 5, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Abandoned

Inheriting the farm house (which is roughly the size of The Shining’s Overlook Hotel’s guest parking garage), a woman with a checkered past travels to Russia to inspect the property. But she doesn’t want the house that hasn’t been lived in for forty years as it will need about 500 coats of paint and a serious exorcising. But she’s seeking information on her knife-perforated mom – and coming “home” seems a good place to start. At first.

The Abandoned

Twin doppelgangers roam the house and look to be in grievous disrepair. And whatever you do to them happens to you. Hence, the hole in the man’s leg when he shoots his flesh-torn twin in the femur region.

The Abandoned

As the clock nears midnight, what happened in the house all those reverse years ago begins to replay itself: The dad comes home from work, perforates mom with a knife and takes the newborns out to the barn where hideous and hungry black pigs live. At this point you better have a strong stomach. The next few minutes are flinchy ones, but you have to keep watching if you wanna know more about the care and feeding of hideous black pigs in case you ever buy some at the mall.

The Abandoned

The ghosts, looking downright spooky, are getting closer to achieving their goal. I’d tell you what that is, but then those ghosts would probably get me. The Abandoned (2006) takes a while to build up steam, but the final scene is very tasty – like a big plate of black pig bacon.