Upside Down House, Woodland Werewolf, Kids-Only Apocalypse

Yet another Stranger Things-related real estate offering, this one being the horror house where Vecna dwelt/dwells. In case you forgot/didn’t care, Vecna was/is the super mean sentient creature from the Upside Down, the place where the tavern floor is the ceiling and the ceiling is the tavern floor. (Don’t worry — it makes sense after you’ve had a few.)

Vecna’s shack — aka, the Creel House — is going for $1.5 million in loose bus change. It’s located in Rome, GA (I thought Rome was in Italia) and has 6,000 square feet — plenty of room to store a lot of things…upside down. Heh. It also has seven bedrooms and (gasp!) seven bathrooms…and one with a cast-iron urinal. How metal. Toilet paper, unfortunately, is not included. 

Just a few years ago (2019), the pre-evilized house was purchased (or “bought”) for $350,000. After a little restoration, some rust-free coating on the aforementioned heavy metal watering pot, and a ton of free advertising on Stranger Things, apparently there’s no price ceiling on these ceilings. 

While you put a cast-iron urinal on your Christmas piss list, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved with rust-free coating… 

SHADOW MASTER / November 4, 2022 (Theaters), November 8, 2022 (Apple TV™)

“Slain during a ferocious fight and reborn with supernatural powers, one man stands between demonic forces bent on hastening the Apocalypse and a ragtag group of apartment dwellers protecting their children from certain peril. Shadow Master is an outrageous mix of haunted house chills and martial arts thrills, featuring jaw-dropping fight choreography.”

Looks like someone’s been tik-talking with The Crow (1994).

BUZZ CUT / December 12, 2022 (VOD)

“The Hash House Harriers (a drinking club with a running problem) are on a 25th anniversary get-together when they accidentally cross paths with a beekeeper, who also happens to be a serial killer in this crazy Kiwi horror-comedy that’s part Animal House and part ’80s slasher movie.”

A beekeeping serial killer and a drinking club. Sounds like Candyman joined a frat.

THE FOREST HILLS / Pending release 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“A disturbed man is tormented by nightmarish visions after enduring head trauma while camping in the Catskill Mountains.”

This movie is supposed to be about werewolves. All they’re telling us is there’s a confused guy with a headache. That’ll pretty much describe me if they don’t give us werewolves.

HEARTLAND / Pending release 2023 (Theaters)

“A group of children in the American Midwest struggle to survive in the brutal landscape of a zombie apocalypse that has wiped out the entire adult population.”

Great — a world full of unsupervised kids. The zombie apocalypse will be the least of Earth’s problems.

Global Sharks, Canadian Sharks, God’s Whoopee Cushion

Been sitting on the sidelines, listening (well, reading, actually) superhero fan boys complain their acne-terrained faces off over the new Spider-Man costume upgrades, implemented by Tony Stark/Iron Man for Spider-Man: Homecoming (July 7, 2017). The new suit has a built in computer chip that allows Spider-Man to glide like a flying squirrel, a parachute (for when the flying squirrel feature doesn’t fully deploy), collapsible (yet form-fitting) fabric, an on-board computer (ala, Iron Man), and new and improved web stuff that shoots out of his hands. (Let’s hope that’s all that shoots out of Spider-Man.)

Not sure why all the bellyaching; after countless comics and five movies with two different Spider-Guys — all using the same suit — these upgrades are not only downright awesome (I would like one, please), it’s about flippin’ time, and brings Spider-Man — a Marvel Universe linchpin — in line with all the rest of the superheroes that’ve been brilliantly contemporized (looking in your direction, Batman) for the sake of our movie bit coins. So I say to the complainers — shut up twice.

Speaking of things needing an upgrade, here are a few horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need technological assistance…or a scientifically accessorized Whoopee Cushion™.

THE DRIFTER (June 6, 2017)
“A uniquely troubled man finds himself on a downward spiral induced by painful memories of his dark and distant past. Taking refuge from his long days and nights of driving aimlessly on the open highway, he stops off in a small town, where he happens to cross paths with an old acquaintance. This acquaintance becomes dangerously intrigued and determined to discover the skeletons hiding in the drifter’s past.”

A troubled man caught in a shame spiral. Sounds like a lot of bar stool people I know. Not me; I mock shame. So is The Drifter a slasher movie? A serial killer movie? (Same difference.) A plot-weary drama trying to dress itself as a horror movie? Goin’ with that one.

SHARKNADO 5: GLOBAL SWARMING (August 6, 2017)
“The mission gets personal for Fin Shepard and his bionic wife, April when their young son gets trapped in a traveling ‘nado and transported all over the world. From London to Rio, Tokyo, Rome and Amsterdam, the heroes seek assistance from royals, scholars, Olympians and news talking heads in their epic battle.”

Sharknado has officially become the bad karaoke night of “sci-fi” movies. So sharks, now the new zombie virus, are taking over the planet. And April is a bionic wife? Does that mean she nags in digital? About the only thing I do like is the kicker line: Global Swarming. That made beer shoot out my nose — and I wasn’t even drinking one when I read it.

FIGHTING THE SKY (2017/2018)
“A group of young ufologists explore a series of apocalyptic sounds emerging from the sky. For years, all around the world, people have heard and recorded a thundering sound that emits from the sky without any origin or explanation. Even the scientists are stumped, folks, and the strange part is the media is ignoring it.”

Fighting the Sky’s premise was taken from all those YouTube™ videos of people recording unseen source apocalyptic sounds coming from the sky. It’s as if God was the world’s noisiest neighbor. Most have been proven to be fake. (Probably made with two turntables and a microphone — and a really big Whoopee Cushion™, which is right up there with the invention of the wheel in terms of civilization advancements.)

MOOSE JAWS (pending crowd-funding)
Combining a shark with a moose? Why didn’t I think of that? This one’s being made by genius wise-guy Kevin Smith, who looks to complete his “True North Trilogy,” which began with Tusk (2014) and followed up with Yoga Hosers (2016). Smith has said that the walrus/human hybrid from Tusk will appear in the film, as will the two main characters from Yoga Hosers. I just felt a pee shiver of anticipation.

Kevin’s official statement: “I love Jaws, I love Canada, and I combined the two of them. So the whole thing is beat-for-beat Jaws, up until the third act. In the third act it becomes Godzilla, Destroy All Monsters, Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan, and ends with Return of the Jedi. It’s pretty magical.”

That’s the understatement of the year. We need to give Kevin all our money right now to get this thing made.

Space Dracula

When you run out of things to for horror icons to do and still want to keep the rent checks coming in, send ’em into space. That said, it’s about time they did something different with Dracula; this time they plunged him into deep space. Good – his dusty schtick was getting a bit long in the tooth. Heh.

Instead setting him up with sleek astronaut pants (with optional Van Allen radiation belt –heh), they have Dracula decked out in his dusty old 18th Century clothes. And everything that follows circles Uranus from there.

Investigating a derelict space ship, Casper Van Dien as Commander Van Helsing (gimme a break) boards the empty craft, but discovers a bunch of wooden coffins. According to the ship’s log, the coffins were picked up on Transylvania Planet in the Carpathian System (good grief). Dracula is in one of the easily-opened boxes, breaks out and bites 187 (Coolio). The scene-chewing rap star turns into a vampire and hams it up good. When in Rome.

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness (2004) belongs in a black hole. Sorry, that’s all the space references I could think of. I blame it on gravity, always holding me back ’n stuff.