Macabre Music, Voodoo Teenagers, Evil Boat Safety

Wednesday, the monster murder mystery spin-off of The Addams Family, became a global phenomenon with its premier on November 22, 2023, and is Netflix’s™ most popular comedy series to date. That’s an understatement. According to my exhaustive research (cut ’n pasting from Wikipedia™), Wednesday holds the record of most hours viewed in a week for an English-language Netflix™ series with a total 341.2 million hours watched in its first week of release, amounting to more than 50 million households, and passing prior record holder Stranger Things 4’s 335.01 million hours. Nielsen Media Research™ reported a combined watch time of 6 billion minutes within its first week of release, making it the second-biggest streaming week ever recorded by the firm.” 

Foaming at the mouth fans cite the series’ music as an ongoing highlight. And now you can get the soundtrack as limited edition colored vinyl to quench your Wednesday obsession. From the press release: “Wednesday’s first season soundtrack is available on vinyl for $35 via Lakeshore Records. Expected to ship in July/August 2023, the score is composed by Danny Elfman (Batman, Men in Black) and Chris Bacon (Bates Motel, Source Code). The album is pressed on 2xLP vinyl with three color variants: “Enid’s Pink Sweater” (Mondo™ exclusive, limited to 500), “Wednesday & Enid’s Room” (Walmart™ exclusive), and “Purple Goth with Smokey Shadow” (retail version). It’s housed in a gatefold jacket.”

It should be noted that the soundtrack does not contain the series’ other music, such as the nimble-fingered cello interpretation of the Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black”, the acoustic instrumental (or would that be “instrumetal”?) rendition of Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters”, and The Cramps’ Goth punk pop, “Goo Goo Muck’, which sparked Wednesday’s dance craze and topped the charts over 40 years after its release in 1980. (P.S. “Goo Goo Muck” was written by Ronnie Cook and the Gaylads all the way back in 1962, the year non-dyed Goth punk pop was born.)

While we frantically preorder the soundtrack (take me there), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature a Goth punk pop song…

DEVILREAUX / June 9, 2023 (VOD), July 18, 2023 (DVD)

“A series of murders in 1800s will be avenged by forbidden voodoo, woken up accidentally by a group of teenagers.”

Seems like this plot is backward: “A group of forbidden teenagers is woken up by voodoo.” Then change voodoo to social media.

BEDRIDDEN / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“On the evening of their anniversary, Ray is attacked and murdered by a masked assailant in a desolate motel room while his wife, Teri, is forced to watch. Teri now faces the reality of rebuilding her life as a single mom without her beloved husband. Desperate to communicate one last time with Ray, she uses a mysterious Ouija board to try to reach out to the other side. Doing so opens up a portal that puts her and her daughter’s lives in danger. When her worst fears seemingly come true, Teri finds herself bedridden and trapped in a cat-and-mouse game of life and death.”

So Teri uses a Ouija board to talk to her dead husband. She should be using Dead Speak Pro™, an app that connects you to the spirit world. It has lots of spooky features and is free on Google Play™.

MOTORBOAT / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“A rural lakeside community is terrorized by a demonic black boat prowling its waters, killing locals and turning the waters blood red. A fallen Priest and a no nonsense Harbor Patrol Captain have to fight a decades long evil, resurrected by a death cult, the Brotherhood of Darkness, led by the unstoppable Messiah Ward. It’s faith vs. hate in this battle for one town’s soul.”

This makes a mockery of life preservers. Not cool.

THE ONLY ONES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A seemingly harmless weekend getaway turns into a chaotic nightmare as this group proves that when you’ve got friends, who needs enemies?”

With a plot like that, who needs this movie?

Superhero Facial Hair, Alien Robots, Criminal Comets

My TV superhero watching guilty pleasures include Arrow, The Flash, Gotham, Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, Daredevil, The Punisher, Luke Cage, Iron Fist (just barely) and Jessica Jones. But it’s Supergirl on The CW that, while targeting young teen girls, is hilarious enough to keep me all giggly during its three seasons.

Favorite moments include Supergirl getting drunk (“I feel…float-y…but I’m not floating…”), excitedly meeting the President (original Wonder Woman star, Lynda Carter) for the first time: “Should I get a blow-out?”, Karaoke rapping (she’s actually not half bad, though rap music in general sucks red kryptonite) and eating glazed pastry after glazed pastry in a diner as her alter-ego, Kara Danvers. (Waitress: “How can you eat all this day after day and not gain a pound?” Kara/Supergirl: “I’m an alien.” Comedy gold, I tell you.

But in Season 3, several characters are getting costumes, specifically ex-Supergirl boyfriend Mon-El (he has a cape he uses as a wicked weapon) and apocalyptic nemesis/world killer Reign, whose costume looks like it’d be perfect for cosplay night at the Fetish Fortress in Chinatown, NY. Both are welcome upgrades, though not too crazy about Mon-El’s new hipster beard/mustache. Arrow being the exception to the rule, superheroes in general don’t look superhero-y with facial hair — just ask Superman and his universally-mocked, digitally-erased “Canadian scarf” in Justice League (2017).

While I go shopping for a new pair of britches I can use as a weapon, here are a few upcoming/just released horror/sci-fi and genre documentaries that may or may not give your fright level a smooth, close-shave…

KIN (August 31, 2018)
Kin, a pulse-pounding crime thriller with a sci-fi twist, is the story of an unexpected hero destined for greatness. Chased by a vengeful criminal, the feds and a gang of otherworldly soldiers, a recently released ex-con and his adopted younger brother are forced to go on the run with a weapon of mysterious origin as their only protection.

I bet the “weapon of mysterious origins” is a Super Soaker™ filled with pee pee. That should pretty much stop anybody, even otherworldly soldiers. In fact, I hear NASA is building up an arsenal of such weapons just in case Earth is invaded by extraterrestrials. I heard about that on the Internet, so it can’t possibly be wrong.

THE FLATWOODS MONSTER: A LEGACY OF FEAR (available now)
“This documentary that unlocks a decades-old mystery that included a government-ordered military examination of a purported alien crash-site, and multiple UFOs seen by countless residents of Braxton County, WV. In September of 1952 hundreds of people across the United States witnessed glowing objects streak across the skies over much of the Eastern Seaboard. One of the objects in question was seen to land on a hill near the small community of Flatwoods, West Virginia by a group of children. The children and two adults made a journey to the top of the hill to search for the object but instead found themselves face to face with a thirteen-foot tall mechanical monster.”

I’ve seen numerous TRUE documentaries about this “Beverly Spacebilly.” A moment-by-moment recounting of the story on Wikipedia™ tells that when the local sheriff showed up to investigate, he found “two elongated tracks” in the mud. We can only hope aliens, mechanical or otherwise, have enough sense to wipe their tentacles before tracking up a freshly-mopped UFO kitchen floor/deck.

 

STONE SEEKER (available now)
“Three soldiers descend into the caves beneath their city to find a fabled stone with powers.”

And there they find members of the Rolling Stones. (Stones with powers — get it? Why I’m not on Comedy Central™ continues to baffle me.)

GARLIC AND GUNPOWDER (available now)
“A comet is on track to destroy the planet — or not, depending on who you talk to. The world’s top 1% aren’t taking any chances and are planning on stashing their gold and valuables in vaults hidden deep in the mountains. A 300-pound female Mob Boss, a Chinese Mafia leader and a couple of Federal agents all have competing plans to pull off what could be the final heist of existence.”

They’re right — the guy selling tainted Romaine lettuce in the grocery store insists a comet will wipe our butts clean. Then there’s the bus stop lady who never gets on the bus who claims the end-of-the-world produce guy is full of E.coli. Either way, the criminals — and I can’t believe I’m saying this — are smart to invest their ill-gotten gains in mountain vaults. Just to be safe, they should tell me where its hidden, so I can help them re-find it if and when the comet comes to cash us out.

Italian Possession

The residents of a mountain village in Southern Italy think the local peasant girl Purif is demonically possessed. Just because she does the upside down spider walk (predating the one in the extended version of The Exorcist by 10 years) and goons out when a cross is liberally applied to her forehead isn’t exactly proof. Then again, when you live in a remote town where the houses are made of stone and the local crops are rock, you’re quick to hysterical superstition. (There’s nothing else to do for entertainment there except water the rock crops.)

But had they stopped freaking out for just a dang second, they’d discover Purif isn’t evil saturated at all, but a young girl scorned by Antonio, the only guy left in town without shattered shards for teeth. (Gravel is a bit tough on the tooth.) So she can be forgiven for attempting half-baked voodoo, freaking out and trying to disrupt his wedding ceremony with goats and what looks to be a dead bunny rabbit. (She didn’t kill Mr. Fuzzy; probably some other demon possessed person or a harvested rock did it.)

To make matters worse, her freakouts, which give illustrative meaning to the phrase, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” aren’t doing a lot to argue the contrary. When Purif’s hauled into church, she flips over and does the inverted spider dance move while the priest and a gaggle of onlookers just stare with their toothless mouths open in disbelief. And nowhere is disbelief more evident than in a church.

While Antonio is getting ready to fulfill his husbandly duties to a gal with a uni-brow and whose clearly not happy to be fulfilled, Purif continues her goon out. This forces the villagers to push her down on the rock crops, throw rock crops at her and banish her from ever setting foot back in the rock crops ever again. (Earlier attempts to torch the “witch” failed because hey, ROCK DOESN’T BURN.) And to add filler to this diller, Purif is tied up and G-rated assaulted twice, once by a priest and another a toothless, bearded hag. (Apologies to the Stones — the band, not the village’s primary food source.)

Such are the not-so-happy moments of Il Demonia (1963) with no sub-titles to enhance its quirky nuances. As could be expected, it does not end well for Purif. When she finally persuades Antonio to re-rock the casbah just a day after his marriage, he fatals her out of guilt and/or shame. That was not very knife of him. Too bad; she had all of her teeth. Off the hook bat-sh*t crazy, but man, nice chompers.