Batty For Batwoman, Debt Demon, Classy Slashy

Coming this Fall, CW™ is finally giving us Batwoman (not Batgirl, as erroneously reported October, 2018), starring the inhumanely gorgeous Ruby Rose as the kick ass crime crusher. And when she’s not punching it as Batwoman, Kate Kane (her secret identity), rides around on a motorcycle, has tattoos, wears a leather jacket and a Ramones t-shirt. I wish to hug her.

Here’s what’s about to go down: “Armed with a passion for social justice and a flair for speaking her mind, Kate Kane soars onto the streets of Gotham as Batwoman, an out lesbian and highly-trained street fighter primed to snuff out the failing city’s criminal resurgence. But don’t call her a hero yet. In a city desperate for a savior, Kate must overcome her own demons before embracing the call to be Gotham’s symbol of hope.”

There’s a three-minute trailer for Batwoman, which you need to see. Before you do that, here are a few now available/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as a highly-trained street fighter gal wearing a Ramones shirt…

13 SOULS (available now)
“An evil creature created from the souls of coal miners killed in a mining massacre, takes revenge on a small town every 50 years. His mission is to collect ‘13 souls to pay the debt.’”

There are lots of horror movies about coal mines — you just have to tunnel for ‘em. Heh. For a good throwback coal mine horror flick, give My Bloody Valentine a spin. The 1981 version, not the full-of-holes 2009 remake.

NUN’S DEADLY CONFESSION (available now)
“Dr. Morten Holst is a psychiatrist who struggles with as many problems, if not more, as his wide range of unique patients. A detective finds himself in a threatening situation when he gets caught in the doctor’s game while unraveling a mysterious case.”

The cover art is as confusing as the plot. And that nun doesn’t look very holy. God’s probably gonna give her the frowning of a lifetime.

STRAWBERRY FLAVORED PLASTIC (available now)
“A sensational, sentimental, and philosophical horror neo-noir that follows the still-at-large crimes of Noel, a repentant, classy and charming serial killer loose in the suburbs of New York.”

There’s a bunch of words that don’t belong in this plot blurb. I can fix it for them — take everything out and just say, “serial killer loose in the suburbs of New York.”

ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS (July 23, 2019)
“Serial killer Peter Harris, aka ‘The Doll Maker,’ returns to his ancestral family estate after being released from the state hospital for the criminally insane after 20 years – a ‘cured’ man. Once inside the old house, anguished memories from a tortured childhood and visitations from past victims shake Peter’s resolve, but it isn’t until the lovely young Ashley enters his life that Peter makes a fateful decision, one that rekindles old desires that always have ended in murder.”

Don’t’ confuse this Rock, Paper, Scissors with the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2012, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2018, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2007, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2013, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out earlier in 2019.

Heavy Metal Waffles, Homicidal Wrestlers, Shark Parade

I’ve seen a lot of KISS™ merchandise over the years, but a Gene Simmons waffle iron is probably the coolest. (It also beats my KISS™ home pregnancy test kit all to hell.) Designed to make “Demon Waffles” (Gene’s character), it forms otherwise pointless waffle batter into a likeness of the bass player’s famous make-up design. (Wonder why McDonald’s™ never thought of that for the Hamburgler?)

KISS The Demon Waffle Maker™ can be obtained for $39.99 plus your soul and can even be used as a sandwich press, though Gene Simmons as a gooey peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn’t sound that rock. It measures 8.5” x 5” x 10” and is made of stainless steel, or “metal.” Heh.

While your demon-faced waffle finishes burning, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to stick your own face into…

MONOCHROME (June 6, 2018)
“A disillusioned young woman becomes a serial killer targeting wealthy land-owners, forcing a brilliant detective to use his unusual neurological condition to track her down.”

Pffft! — I have the same unusual neurological condition. It’s called a hangover.

WERESTLEMASSACRE (July, 2018)
“Randy is an awkward groundskeeper who is obsessed with professional wrestling. Longing for a sense of belonging with grandiose dreams of becoming a wrestling superstar, Randy is only met with abject humiliation and alienation. A brutal shaming at a local wrestling school pushes Randy over the edge and lights the spark for his blood lust. Donned in wrestling gear and armed with homicidal rage, Randy sets out on a blood soaked rampage to punish those who wronged him. The only hope of putting an end to his reign of carnage lies with Becky, an understanding client who is one of the only few to ever show him kindness.”

As a fan of pro wrestling — the only TRUE sport — I look forward to this one. If you’re of like mind, check out Wrestlemaniac (2006), Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies (2013), Santo vs. las Mujeres Vampiro (1962) and my guilty fav, Monster Brawl (2011). I usually apply choke slams on beers while watching it.

GREAT WHITE (2018)
“A blissful tourist trip quickly turns into a nightmare when five passengers on a seaplane become stranded miles from shore. In a desperate bid for survival the group try to make it to land before they either run out of supplies or are taken by the man-eating sharks lurking just beneath the surface.”

Not to be confused with the other Great White movie, an Italian-made Jaws rip-off, back in 1981. But along with this one and Discovery Channel’s™ deliciously popular Shark Week (30th anniversary) launching on July 22, 2018, this looks to be the year of the shark, all topped off by The Meg (2018) chomping its way through people floating on inner tubes as if wet donuts.

HELLBOY (January 11, 2019)
“The new story sees the hero squaring off against a medieval sorceress who seeks to destroy humankind.”

One of no doubt many new sales art representations of the Hellboy: Rise of the Blood Queen movie. I first tagged this one on June 27, 2017. That key art was illustrated so as to keep kinetic with the graphic novels. But I like this one better as Hellboy himself looks pretty Hell-y.

Be Witched

The rich tapestry of witches seems to have taken root these days, fueled possibly by the success of the TV series Salem (2014), an annoyingly hard-to-follow depiction of fevered witch paranoia life in stinky Massachusetts in the late 1600s. (If your neighbor thought you to be in league with Big D, you were proved it merely by hearsay in a court of law and burned alive in the public square, the colonial version of a tailgate party.

Rock dude/horror filmmaker Rob Zombie even tried his hand at some lovin’ from the coven in 2013 with the The Lords of Salem. (I’m generally a fan of Zombie’s music and film work, but that thing is outright laughable and does great disservice to our witchy women.)

Regardless, the market fire burns hot for Wiccans and their vibrant community. Vin Diesel (Riddick himself!) is set to release The Last Witch Hunter (2015), followed by The Witch (2016), a period horror piece that promises some wicked wickedness.

Here’s what The Witch is conjuring (heh): “Evil takes many forms in this vintage horror thriller set in New England in the 1600s about a family and their suddenly missing children.”

Okay, not a lot to go on. But the trailer is a tasty appetizer. And early reviews gush that The Witch “blends The Crucible, The Shining and The Exorcist in a frightening New England folktale.”

You can find more information about witches in Wiccapedia: A Modern-Day White Witch’s Guide (2011), written by “spiritual life coaches” and celebrity witches Shawn Robbins and Leanna Greenaway. If those aren’t kick ass credentials, then you’re likely a non-believer. I fear for your very soul.

P.S. For a really fun/funny/f’d up witch movie, check out Spain-made Witching & Bitching (2013). The first 15 minutes alone will put a spell on you (heh).