Scary Clothes, Electrocuties, Apocalypse On The Rocks

Horror merch sites are like porn websites — just when you think you’ve seen ‘em all, a new one pops up. While most are pretty dang cool (Fright-Rags, Pizza Printing Party, Nightmare Toys), few are as maniacally colorful and bent brain wild as BeastWreck. Shirts of their original horror/sci-fi art will actually scare your other shirts right out of the closet, or in my case, the clean pile, which looks a heckuva lot like the dirty pile.

BreastWreck’s melding of horror and pop culture is printed on the aforementioned shirt, but hoodies, stickers, decals (fancy name for stickers), lapel pins, key chains, and patches as well. Need frameable art? BW’s art print horror homages to Gigan, The Thing, Friday the 13th and RoboCop are essential interior decorating, or in my case, inferior decorating.

While you click here to get some of BeastWreck’s awesome swag, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/series that may or may not belong in a clean pile…

THE HEADMISTRESS / March 3, 3023 (VOD)

“When a debt-ridden teacher inherits an abandoned lakefront inn, she and a group of potential buyers visit the property, where they discover a dark, sinister secret and a malignant supernatural presence determined to keep them there forever.”

It’s called a mortgage.

THE POWER / March 31, 2023 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A group of teenage girls mysteriously develop a special power that allows them to electrocute people at will.”

You mean teenage girls don’t already have that power?

SPIN THE WHEEL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During the last hours of the world complete strangers all find their way to a local watering hole to enjoy a few beverages for their last hours of existence. Little do they know that a man named Lou may or may not be the Devil. He offers each of them a chance to save the world, but only if they can beat him at a game of Russian Roulette. Each stranger in the bar has their own secrets, which slowly surface throughout the game’s runtime.”

The world is ending and you’re only having a “few” beverages? I’d drink like there’s no tomorrow. 

WHAT THE WATERS LEFT BEHIND: SCARS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“An Anglo-American indie rock band winds up stranded in Epecuén, where their internal conflicts and the bad luck of their tour quickly lose importance before the hell that awaits them.”

Epecuén is located in the Buenos Aires Province of Argentina and is famous for being flooded in 1985 when a dam broke and became known as the town that drowned. What this has to do with the movie I have no idea. But it sounds like a better plot than whatever this one has.

Godzilla Sells Out, Kissable Demon Hunter, Earth vs. Hell

You snooze, you lose. That’s the sum yield of one’s non-diligence when shopping on the MondoShop.com website, containing one-of-a-kind original horror/sci-fi/movie art designed by some of the best illustrators in every zip code. No sooner than Mondo posts the art, they’ve sold out within minutes. If you’re an impulse-buyer, timing is everything.

Poster art of Godzilla, Wolf-Man, Bride of Frankenstein, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Alien, Dracula, Phantom of the Opera, Mummy, RoboCop, Dirty Harry (when you think about it, RoboCop and Dirty Harry are kinda the same thing)… The list goes on and on and shopping for ‘em MondoShop.com is a frustrating experience because all the art is immediately sold out. You’ll need to drink an adult beverage to placate your inner shopper.

But there’s a solution — sign up for their free newsletter, which tells you exactly what the upcoming art is and when it goes on sale. All are surprisingly affordable for being limited edition ($50 — $400). And know that Mondo sells more than posters — there’s limited edition curated horror movie soundtrack colored vinyl albums, toys, puzzles, CDs, board games, books, tiki mugs and more. But unless you visit their website EVERY DAY, you can’t get in on this action unless you sign up for a heads up. Do that here.

While you’re drowning your sorrow in refreshing adult beverages for missing out on the She-Ra 1/6 Scale Figure, here are a few out now/up and coming horror/sci-fi/fantasy movies that may or may not sell or sell out… 

THE DEMON HUNTER’S ROMANCE / Out now (iQIYI)

“In the prosperous city of Guangping, humans and demons coexist. Demons are skilled at disguising themselves as humans. Ban Xia the daughter of a wealthy family, has a pair of strange eyes and can often see the shadows of those who are not there. Ban Xia reveals her cousin’s sister-in-law is a demon, which led her to be hunted down by demon-hunter, Xuan Ye. The gentle kiss he gives to Ban Xia made her thoroughly see the world where humans and demons coexist.”

Nobody likes a snitch.

LOCKDOWN TOWER / February 8, 2023 (France), 2023/2024 (US)

“The inhabitants of a tower block wake up one morning to find a black veil shrouding all the windows and doors of the building — a veil which devours anything and anyone who tries to go through it. Stuck inside together families organize themselves, but time passes and nothing changes. They gradually return to their most primitive instincts and now respond to a single watchword: survival.”

Did they film a movie about my apartment building without me knowing it?

THEY WAIT IN THE DARK / February 10, 2023 (VOD)

“Amy, a young woman is on the run with her young son Adrian from her abusive ex-girlfriend. When the past rises up to haunt them, they must confront the forces threatening them from both outside and in.”

Another bland movie with a bland plot and bland description. None of what they’re describing compels one to invest valuable couch time to watch it. They can keep waiting in the dark.

THORNS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An ex-priest working for NASA is sent to investigate a remote observatory that went silent after receiving a radio signal from deep space. Upon arrival, he discovers the signal has set in motion the biblical end of times. The former priest must now summon his lost faith to stop the signal from spreading hell on Earth.”

Jesus on his ham radio again, punking the godless Universe.

Killer TV, Medically-Trained Zombies, A Storm of Clowns

In a sea of horror/sci-fi movie streaming channels, now comes a potential heavy hitter in the blandly named The Killer Movie Channel. Found on Roku™ and other platter platforms, TKMC seems to hit most of the right notes and is reasonably priced after a free trial: $3.99 a month/$36.00 year. For a horror movie junkie like myself, this is a good business model.

Going through their offerings, if you’re a horror freak, you’ve likely seen 99% of the movies featured. And even though they seem to have a decent selection/somewhat deep catalog, you might give Shudder and/or Midnight Pulp a try. Way more content and a bit more expensive, but not a wallet buster — unless you eat from garbage cans and whatever’s stuck to the underside of a Waffle House dining tables.

Find The Killer Movie Channel HERE. And here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stick to the underside of Waffle House dining tables…

THE CLEANSE (May 4, 2018)
“Paul Berger, an unemployed, down and out, is a heartbroken man searching for happiness. When Paul sees an ad for a spiritual retreat promising to restart your life, he immediately signs up, hoping to cleanse himself and fix his broken life. But after only a few days, he discovers the cleanse is releasing more than just everyday toxins…a lot more.”

If you’re a down and out heartbroken man with a name like Berger — which awesomely sounds like “burger” — then your priorities are all out of whack. And as for releasing more than everyday toxins, isn’t that what everybody eventually does after eating a Taco Bell™ XXL Grilled Stuft Burrito? (Note to anyone brave enough to eat at TB — go for the Power Menu Burrito; a little less “impactful” on the plumbing.)

FERAL (May 25, 2018)
“A wild animal attacks six medical students on a weekend hike in the woods. One by one, they become infected with a ‘feral disease’, turning them into rabid, bloodthirsty creatures, and the vacation becomes a nightmare as they fight to survive each other.”

Doesn’t say much for the “medical” students if they can’t even treat being infected by gangsta pine cones and/or poisonous raccoons. So does this also mean they have to drop out of med school for becoming rabid, bloodthirsty creatures? If so, Kinkos™ will take ‘em.

UPGRADE (June 1, 2018)
“After his wife is killed during a brutal mugging that also leaves him paralyzed, Grey Trace is approached by a billionaire inventor with an experimental cure that will ‘upgrade’ his body. The cure — an Artificial Intelligence implant called STEM — gives Grey physical abilities beyond anything experienced and the ability to relentlessly claim vengeance against those who murdered his wife and left him for dead.”

Sounds like a mash-up of The Six Million Dollar Man (1974 — 1978) and RoboCop (1987). I’d rather have stretchy powers, like Plastic Man or Gumby, though. Bonus: I’d be waterproof!

CLOWNADO (pending crowd-funding)
“A one of a kind thrill ride into the depths of depravity and gore! Believe it or not, it is a Horror Film Noir, with crazed killer Clowns on a rampage from Hell, out for revenge and only BLOOD can quench their savage desire for destruction! Be ready for one twisted and scary adventure!”

Funny title. I feel compelled to contribute to their fundraising campaign, especially when they hit my mental joy-buzzer with words like “depravity”, “gore” and “savage desire”, which bartenders comment when I slobberingly order bottle after bottle of Budweiser™.

Vampire vs. RoboCop

 

Also known as The Vampire Lives (1989), Counter Destroyer (ugh – sounds like something I’d come up with while under the leadership of cold hard booze) is about Joyce, a young gal needing peace and quite to finish a movie script. So she and her micro-bikini wearing, she-male voiced secretary move into a secluded, yet haunted Japanese home.

A Taoist priest warned them not to move in as the place was already occupied by an evil vampire who jumps around, wearing Freddy Krueger knife gloves. (You don’t want to second guess Taoist priests – they know things. Spooky things.)

After drinking a possessed soft drink, Joyce unleashes Hell. And by Hell, I mean for anyone watching this stunning piece of vampire droppings, as the plot suddenly shifts to the movie company’s secretary assassinating a rival film studio trying to make the same movie.

When a blow-dried American boy shows up to check on Joyce and finds her arm is possessed by a vampire, he rotates counter-clockwise a few times and turns into a ninja warrior with a rifle. Think Robocop (1987) with a mullet. If you’re anything like me, you’ll get lost right after the opening credits roll.

In closing, Counter Destroyer/The Vampire Lives is insanity bad. And that’s me being nice for a change.