Archive for reptile

Shivering Snakes

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Boa

In the generically-labeled Boa (aka, New Alcatraz/2001), a prehistoric giant snake in the Antarctic, after having slept in ice colder than a nuclear beer cooler for a billion million years, is rousted from its frigid slumber by the “come and get it” dinner bell noises of a bunch of people running an arctic penitentiary.

Boa

The concept of a prison in the South Pole is believable enough; with no mittens to be had, what’s the point in trying to escape? And that a 100-foot reptile comes to life after being defrosted is also easy to swallow when you consider it’s easier to fake a snake than giant, human-pecking penguins (which would’ve made a lot more sense and been way more cooler).

Boa

A bunch of super criminals have just arrived and aren’t too happy about having igloo-detention for life. After the snake gets loose and goes on a snack attack that wipes out 99% of the cast, it’s up to the bad guys — who are experts at breaking in and out of things — to figure out an escape plan. I’m all for enlarged reptiles and/or insects wreaking havoc on the world (hey, if I had a proboscis, I’d be doing it), but this one should never have been taken out of the freezer.

Sea Monster and Swimwear

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Loreley's Grasp

Local legend has it that the Loreley, a reptile creature with a taste for human hearts (ick), comes every seven moons (206 days) and seeks out those with human hearts. Whew — I’m safe!

The Loreley's Grasp

The night before her wedding a hot redhead is trying on her veil and negligee when a reptile creature jumps through her second-story (!) window and rips out her heart. I’m wondering if that was the Loreley everyone’s talking about?

The Loreley's Grasp

This freaks out the nearby all-girl supermodel boarding school, run by an uptight but seriously smokin’ hot redhead. Her eyes seem too big for her face, but it didn’t goon me out. So the mayor hires a freelance hunter to protect the supermodels.

The Loreley's Grasp

Enter the extreme handsome, Sirgurd. Despite his crazy name, he looks like Engelbert Humperdink and dresses like Tom Jones. And he’s packin’ heat — a high-caliber rifle. A plan is implemented to go scuba diving in the Rhine in hopes to find the reputed cave the Loreley lives in. You know what this means — a chance for Sirgurd to take off his shirt.

The Loreley's Grasp

The Loreley’s three helper chicks fight over who gets to have sex with Sigurd (wouldn’t you?) and in the process let him escape. Loreley in reptile form has really dry hands, but her nails look good. She wears a cloak to hide her face, which is similar to that of a large plastic piranha. Sirgy knows what he has to do — make stab happen and then go make out with the chicks. (Wouldn’t you?)

The Loreley's Grasp

The Loreley’s Grasp has pretty cool gore and boobies and Sirgy action for a 1974 foreign movie with dubbed dialogue. I wish I knew where the treasure cave with three bikini-adorned helper chicks lived, though. Then I’d go visit them. Often, as it turns out. Hey, swimming is good for you. The Internet says so.

Ghosts, Strippers, Sharks and Flying Reptiles

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Peelers

Sometimes watching horror movie trailers is better than watching the entire movie. (I suffer from “don’t bore us, get to the chorus” syndrome.) You get all the money shots, snippets of boneheaded dialogue instead of 90 minutes worth — and more importantly — spoilers.

Titanic

How many movies, horror or not, have been ruined by trailers that, in a two-minute bid to sell you on their product, give away the whole darn thing? (When I watched the trailer for Titanic and they showed the ship hitting an iceberg (or possibly Godzilla) of all things and sinking, that gave away every reason I might have had to see the flippin’ thing.)

Here’s a few upcoming (as of right the heckaroo now) horror movies that might command more of my ever drifting attention span. I SAID MIGHT…

PEELERS (2017)
“A small-town strip club owner must defend her bar from infected raiders on closing night.”

That’s a horror movie? Aren’t most people who go to strip clubs, like, pre-infected? Not me – I take baths, man…sometimes before I go into a T-bar (Mary’s Club in downtown Portland). But if you don’t want to live life to the fullest by experiencing one of these vital institutions, try Strippers vs. Zombies (2008). Wash your hands afterward. To do so before is kinda pointless.

Cage Dive

CAGE DIVE (release pending 2016/2017)
Cage Dive follows three friends from California who set out to film an audition tape for submission to an extreme reality game show. To ensure they stand out, they decide to travel to Australia where they will be documenting themselves taking part in a most extreme activity…shark cage diving. While on the dive, a catastrophic turn of events leaves them in baited water full of hungry great white sharks and turns their audition tape into a survival diary.”

Gotta love shark movies that use real sharks. They probably don’t get paid as much as those snobby Hollywood sharks, though. But if these true-to-life biters are as good on the big screen as they are in the killer trailer, bye-bye to all you Sharknado posers. (Or if you live in France, “poseurs.”).

Unspoken

UNSPOKEN (October 28, 2016)
“In 1997 the close-knit Anderson family vanished from their country home without a trace without an explanation. No bodies were ever found and for 17 years the house has remained undisturbed…until now. A sinister tale of haunting and murder, Unspoken is a refreshing twist on the horror genre.”

No it isn’t. Not being a hater here, but refreshing twists on the horror genre are as likely as me winning the jackpot on the Mega Meltdown™ slot machine at the Tulalip Resort Casino. (Only thing I’ve been able to win is dirty looks from the staff.) But if you want a hot slap in the face of sinister haunting and murder, look no further than The Changeling (1980). Put a stain on/in your Old Navy™ pants, it will.

Terrordactyl

TERRORDACTYL (November 1, 2016)
When a meteor shower rains down outside Los Angeles, friends Lars and Jonas head out to find one and strike it rich. After recovering one they’re stalked by Terrordactyls – ancient flying reptiles – that launch a full-on assault on the city. They soon discover there’s more to the meteor than meets the eye…”

Flying Monkeys / Rodan

Flying monsters rock my world. (Flying Monkeys/2013 – craptacular movie, but hey…FLYING MONKEYS!) My wings tend to flap in the direction of Godzilla frenemy Rodan (1956) for sweet flying reptile city destroying action. But hey, I’ll get a boarding pass for Terrordactyl.

Note: The DVD cover says Terrordactyl, but the kicker line says “They want their planet back.” Somebody needs to put an “s” on that airborn noun.

Nice Night For A Moon Beast

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Track of the Moon Beast

High on a mountain in the Arizona desert, a man, trying to get him some ’o that sweet Southwest skank action, is struck in the facial quadrant by a meteorite fragment while watching a meteor shower caused by a comet slamming into the moon and bouncing off in Earth’s direction. NASA refers to this as “lunar pinball.” Suffice to say, though, a real mood bringer-downer. Thus is the plot architecture if the 1976 cheesy sci-fi movie, Track of the Moon Beast.

Track of the Moon Beast

Over the following days, he’s prone to headaches and blacking out. All this without the assistance of sweet alcohol. His new girlfriend tells her boyfriend’s best friend, a college professor called John Longbow (great porn name). Longbow looks like a Native American version of Bobby Goldsboro and got his name, not from the gals he used to date, but rather his adept skill with the bow and arrow.

Track of the Moon beast

At night when the moon’s anointing rays light up the maniac switchboard in the meteor man’s head, he’s turned into a huge lizard-esque creature with three things on his mind: die, kill, bleed. By morning the man is “normal” again, but still having health issues. The cops don’t know dick about lunar metamorphosis as they fumble around looking for a hypothesized animal with a taste for human blood.

Track of the Moon Beast

Several more nighttime killings and it’s soon apparent who’s doing all the die-kill-bleed. The police finally corner lizard/meteor man and fire bullets into his scaly hide. Like that’s gonna work. Longbow, who earlier had prudently fashioned an arrowhead out of the fallen meteor, fires one off into L-Man’s chest. The counteracting polarities of the magnetically-charged minerals causes the TV screen to flash orange and black, while Lizzy stands there and wiggles his claw arms.

Track of the Moon Beast

This special effect is meant to indicate Longbow’s positive efforts in bringing the monster’s illegal activities to a grinding halt. This also leaves the door wide open for John’s other longbow to nail his new target, the still screaming and freshly-single girlfriend. It’ll help with closure.

20,000 Fathoms of Fun

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms

Atomic bomb tests in the Arctic Circle defrosts a gigantic reptile creature-o-saurus (official name: Rhedosaurus). This monster is nearly 100-feet long, walks on all fours, has buzz-saw sharp things on his back, is several stories tall, and judging by his diet — shark, octopus, lighthouse, diving bell, roller coaster tracks, humans — is not a picky eater.

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms

Hibernating in ice for 100 million years, the thawed beast travels towards Manhattan, stopping off in Nova Scotia to eat a lighthouse as though it were a sugar cookie. Once in the city, Rhedosaurus wanders Times Square and takes a hole to the neck via a good ’ol United States Army bazooka. (Way to treat tourists, New York.)

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms

Red’s blood emits a virulent germ that contaminates the very streets where people used to live, litter, and now die. Rhedosaurus scorecard: 180 dead, 1,500 injured, $3,000,000 in collateral damage. Scientists determine that if a radioactive isotope can be fired into the monster’s open neck hickey, that might stop him from racking up more kill points.

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms (1953) is THE monster movie that inspired Godzilla (1954), coming out a full year before Japan copied the hell out of us. Good thing Godzilla was so cool, or else we’d be armed with more than an isotope, if you catch my drift.

Outer Space Odd Couple

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Enemy Mine

Space pilot Willis Davidge and his enemy – a frog-faced Drac fighter pilot – both crash on the ninth dirtball from the sun after a zinging laser battle. This sets up the movie’s scenario as they both have to work together to survive the hostile planet – rain comes in the form of flaming meteors, bed bugs are the size of Space Chevy hubcaps, and there’s no 7-Elevens™ as far as their future binoculars can see.

Enemy Mine

Slowly, they learn each other’s native tongue and soon they’re talking, arguing and fighting as if two mismatched New York roommates. And they’re forced to eat large Trilobite bugs instead of hamburgers. One day the unwashed Davidge goes in search of anything else edible on the barren planet and happens across garbage left by outlaw miners who use Dracs as slave labor to dig up e-commerce rocks.

Enemy Mine

When Davidge goes back to tell his unlikely buddy, he finds out the Drac is pregnant. Seems Dracs are both male and female and reproduce spontaneously. (I can only imagine the arguments that go on inside its head.) The Drac, who is also dying, makes Davidge promise to recite his kid’s lineage in front of the Draconian High Council — and he has to do it in the Drac native tongue and it has to include all 170 family members’ names. The only thing less painful would be if a Trilobite ate Davidge’s head off.

Enemy Mine

When Zammis (way dumb space name) is born, he looks like a slug. To complicate matters, the outlaw miners come back several years later when Zammis is but a mere tadpole. Guess who captures the little lily pad jumper?

Enemy Mine

Odd, occasionally cheesy, and mildly entertaining, Enemy Mine (1985) does have a few cool moments. Drac looks appropritely neat as a reptilian creature, and when he talks it sounds like he’s gargling chocolate Trilobite milk. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go recite (throw up) my lineage (last night’s beer binge) before the High Council (porcelain throne).

Zombie Croc: Reanimated Reptile

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie Croc

In horror movies, crocodiles, or “alligators,” have been super-sized, mechanized and man-made to terrorize for our viewing pleasure. But when was the last time you saw a walking dead gator? Now you can with the release of Zombie Croc, billing itself as 35 feet of undead reptilian terror. Only thing missing is some drunk rednecks with shotguns and…oh, wait…

Zombie Croc

The best way to bring a crocodile back from the dead is with voodoo. I know what you’re thinking; what about a space virus or secret government/military powdered gas or sweet refreshing pollution? Those things cost money. Voodoo is practically free – just yammer out a bunch of nonsensical curse words, shake some bones (not your own, you pervs), and get this party started.

Zombie Croc

Speaking of parties, the voodoo-risen zombie croc crashes a birthday party and chomps down all the screaming desserts. Earlier he ate a clown hired to perform at said box social. He said the clown tasted funny. (Heh.)

Zombie Croc

Zombie Croc (also listed as A Zombie Croc as well – not sure why) was screened in July of 2015 at a party I wasn’t invited to. (That’s ok; I sent zombie croc in my place.) When will ZC be commercially released to fulfill your low-budget horror comedy needs? Dunno. Their movie’s Facebook™ page is as weak as the storyline.