Hellish Pizza, Stinky Bigfoot, Reanimated Santa

“We have such slices to show you…”

A perfect paraphrased salvo to introduce their new “Hellraiser” pizza, Portland, Oregon’s Sizzle Pie™ is arguably the best pizza joint in the world. The place is garnished in horror movie posters, they blast hardcore metal at volumes that could cook your face, and they serve up pies with names like “Ace of Spades”, “Napalm Breath”, “Pig Destroyer” and “Demolition Man.” With the introduction of the “Hellraiser” (cup and char pepperoni, sausage, bacon), Sizzle Pie™ just smacked your taste buds right in the mouth.

S-Pie™, established in 2011 (menu here), has locations in Portland’s Central Eastside, downtown, the Hollywood District, Beaverton, a spot at the Moda Center, and Reno, NV. Good, but not good enough. We need Sizzle Pie™ in every town in every state. But not Europe. They don’t deserve the majesty of these majestic pizzas. (They’d just add weird stuff to ‘em, like clams, malt vinegar and ketchup.)

Every time I’m in Portland, which is a lot (they have the best strip clubs as well —I go to ‘em for scintillating conversation), my first stop is ALWAYS Sizzle Pie™. To be within rush-the-stage distance of their downtown location, I strategically position myself at The Benson Hotel (287 guest rooms include 47 junior suites, seven Penthouse Suites, two Presidential Suites), which is two blocks away. I asked The Benson if they could move their 100 year old+ hotel closer to Sizzle Pie™. They said they’d get back to me on that. I feel positive about their response.

While you decide which mode of transportation will get you to Sizzle Pie™ faster, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of having a pizza named after them… 

GREYWOOD’S PLOT / Out now (Tubi™/YouTube™)

“A struggling paranormal blogger named Dom is on the verge of ending things forever when a mysterious tape arrives on his doorstep. It’s a rare sighting of a classic cryptid sends Dom and his friend Miles on a road trip to find the fabled creature, but they soon find where their loyalties lie.”

The fabled creature in question is the Skunk Ape, said to be the missing link between man and ape. Uh, shouldn’t that be the missing link between skunk and ape? Don’t look at me like that — it’s right there in its name. Speculative science is rarely wrong.

OGOPOGO — THE MYTHICAL SNAKE FROM THE LAKE / Out now (DVD)

“Fresh on vacation after battling Bigfoot, Aliens and the Easter Bunny, John is quickly wrapped up in a new case like no other — and with stakes personal to the heart. Tracking the Ogopogo – British Columbia’s legendarily elusive beast, John documents the flesh hungry creature with independent filmmaker Richard Mogg. But when Cupid hits his target and John falls in love with his soulmate Julie, all Hell breaks loose.”

I have high hopes for Ogopogo winning an Academy Award™. The odds are favored as this comes from the guy who did Bigfoot Ate My Boyfriend, Hot Chicks Blast Uranus!, Easter Bunny Bloodbath, Massage Parlor of Death, and the blouse-busting Bangin’ Vengeance – Enhanced Nudity Edition. Required viewing is not a suggestion.

S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: SHADOW OF THE ZONE / July 1, 2023 (VOD)

“A seasoned Free Stalker tasked with guiding a band of Mercenaries deep into The Zone to investigate a paranormal radio signal. Along the way they will uncover the nightmarish effects of exposure to the signal, in addition to the grim reality of the signal’s existence.”

This one’s a live-action sci-fi short fan-film based on the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. video game series. I don’t play video games as I live in the now, man. Okay, I did recently crammed a bunch of laundromat quarters (i.e., my paycheck) into a Pac-Man™ machine at the Tug Tavern. But I still live in the now. Man.

SANTASTEIN / Pending release 2022/2023 (VOD)

“When Max Causey was six, he accidentally killed Santa.12 years later, Max rectifies his mistake by resurrecting him, but soon realizes the creature he created is a bloodthirsty killer and it’s headed right to his friend’s Christmas party.”

I would very much like an invitation to that Christmas party. I’ll even bring delicious sugar cookies, a six-pack with “do not touch” written on ‘em, and a pitchfork.

Meatloaf Monster

The Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973) is neither. He/she/its an 8-foot mutant sheep born of the poisonous mustard-colored gas seeping from Virginia City’s old mine outside of Reno, Nevada, The Biggest Little City In The World™. (The have loose craps there.)

The town’s historical/hysterical mayor wants to capture the misshapen creature and sell tickets to see this “Eighth Wonder of the World.” Hello — King Kong™ already owns that title, dumbass.

Professor Clemens and his plain-as-paint assistant Mariposa want to study the creature. Eddie, a down-on-his-luck shepherd, is standing by as he was the one who found the beast when it was just the size of a glistening meatloaf, claiming ownership. And Godmonster, kept in a glass incubator with mustard-colored gas being pumped in, grows about a foot a day. In height, not as in needing an extra shoe.

Unfortunately, most of the movie is spent on an African-American real estate broker who is looking to buy the old mine for his clients, but meets resistance from the town’s old school ways. Mayor Silverdale is a racist and sets up Barnstable (the real estate dude — awful name) for a crime he didn’t commit just so he and his cronies can hunt it down and throw an old fashioned Texas necktie party.

But Godmonster will not stand for such social prejudices. Breaking out of his confines, he shambles across the land, looking like the world’s most disgusting laundry basket with an oatmeal face. Mariposa, who raised him from the toaster oven, tracks the butt-ugly beast in hopes of convincing it to return to the lab. Of the numerous you-gotta-be-kidding-me scenes, it’s the one where Mariposa starts dancing with Godmonster as she tries to calm him down. Where’s mustard-colored gas when you need it?

Two more scenes of mess destruction occur when the creature crashes a little girl’s outdoor birthday party, resulting in the dropping of hot dog and the scattering of potato chip. The second one is slightly more graphic, and ends with a gas station being blown up. If you’re gonna roast hot dogs, now would be the time to do it. 

Eventually GM is surrounded by cowboys on horseback, hog-tied and put on display for profit. As Mayor Silverdale whips the crowd into a frenzy, they turn on him — and Godmonster, too. Guilt by association. Apparently, the slow-leaking gas affects humans just as much. Think of it as farting times a million.

Godmonster, caught in the middle of it all, ends up in the garbage dump. All he wanted to do was rock hard and ride free, but The Man wouldn’t let him. I think there is a lesson to be learned here. If only I knew what it was.